Nina: You know, my heritage happens to be very important to me.
Mary: As it should be. I'm Irish, and I'm very proud of that. And you're what?
Dick: Me? Uh, [stammers] I-I-I'm, uh one of those, uh... You know, one of the really good ones. You're this big anthropologist. You tell me. What am I?
Mary: Certifiable.
Dick: Yes, that's what I am. Certifiable. Certifiable and damn proud of it. As my father was before me and his father before him and his father before him. Certifiable. Of course, we no longer practice.

Don: Okay, Mr. Solomon, it's time to finger your perp.
Dick: [points to Mary] Believe me, I've tried, but she just won't let me.

Mary: No. Stop it.
Dick: We're not in the office.
Mary: Behave yourself.
Dick: Let's go back in the car.
Mary: No.
Dick: Not in the car, not in the bar, not in the house, not up your blouse. I cannot touch you here or there. I cannot touch you anywhere.

Mary: What are these?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Escargot foie gras champignon à la grecque en croute. Do try one.
Mary: Oh, this is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!
Dick: Once again, I come in second.

Tommy: How's Dick?
Sally: Oh, not so good. I thought he could use some fresh air, so I sent him down to the old town road to pick up strawberries. [Dick returns] Wow. You're back quick.
Dick: [as Henry Fonda] You want to know why I came back so fast? I got to the end of our driveway, and I couldn't remember which way to go. I went into our backyard, and nothing looked familiar to me. Not one damn tree. Scared me half to death.
Sally: Snap out of it, ya old poop!

Dick: Look at this. I could write a better book overnight.
Nina: You think you're the smartest man on the planet, don't you?
Dick: For the thousandth time, yes!

Dick: How can you possibly say Harrison Ford is sexier than I am? I mean, just because he's got those incredible cheekbones and that perfectly chiseled jaw and those penetrating brown eyes that you... you could almost lose yourself in if you stare at them long enough... Whoa!
Mary: But I love you. See you, Dick.
Dick: [holds hand mirror in one hand and magazine in the other] Oh, my God! I'm hideous!

Dick: My students are right. I colonized every continent. I enslaved an entire people, and even after I abolished slavery, I- I continued to marginalize minorities with economic disincentives.
Mary: Don't let this eat you up.
Dick: Angel food cake is white. Devil's food cake... black!
Mary: I know how you feel.
Dick: Who gets to make the first move in chess? The white guys.

Dick: I have spent my entire life as a human on the outside looking in. Always trying, approximating, attempting, but never being a human being.
Sally: That's 'cause you're not.
Dick: Lieutenant, I refuse to be defined by who I am. My past has always gotten me into trouble. As of now, I have no past. I am no longer an alien.
Sally: What?
Dick: From now on, I am a human being. I am John Q. Pubic.

Dick: No, let me explain. Let's say that these eggs represent all our money.
Tommy: Uh-huh.
Dick: And these containers represent stocks.
Tommy: I'm with you.
Dick: Now, if one of these stocks is doing better than all the others, then we should put all our money in that stock.
Tommy: Oh, I see what you're saying. So we should put all of our eggs in one basket.
Dick: No. We should put all our eggs in one bucket.
Tommy: No eggs in the basket?
Dick: Forget the basket.