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Dick Like Me

‘Dick Like Me’

Season 1, Episode 16 -  Aired April 23, 1996

The Solomons struggle to understand where they fit in on Earth when they realize they never chose an ethnic group.

Quote from Dick

Nina: You know, my heritage happens to be very important to me.
Mary: As it should be. I'm Irish, and I'm very proud of that. And you're what?
Dick: Me? Uh, [stammers] I-I-I'm, uh one of those, uh... You know, one of the really good ones. You're this big anthropologist. You tell me. What am I?
Mary: Certifiable.
Dick: Yes, that's what I am. Certifiable. Certifiable and damn proud of it. As my father was before me and his father before him and his father before him. Certifiable. Of course, we no longer practice.


Quote from Dick

Dick: Now, let's have a look at Einstein's boundary conditions according to the theory of relativity. Einstein, a Jew, never could have made this breakthrough, had it not been for the earlier work of Copernicus, Polish, or Tycho Brahe, the unlucky Dane from Prague. Which brings up another question. How many Puerto Ricans do we have in class? Any Puerto Ricans? Leon, what are you?
Caryn: You don't have to answer that.
Leon: Dutch.
Dick: Oh, I love your tulips and your dikes.
Leon: Oh, thank you.
Dick: However, I turn your people down because of the silly shoes. Okay, no Puerto Ricans? Any Latinos in general? Anyone with Latino information? Anybody?
Pitman: Dr. Solomon, with all due respect, I find this offensive.
Dick: Oh, Pitman, you won't be left out. I'll get to the Asians.

Quote from Harry

Tommy: This rules. I'm still a minority. You know, chicks dig minorities.
Dick: Oh! Who knew that Solomon was a Jewish name when we took it off the side of that truck?
Harry: Go figure. We could have been the Wal-marts.
Dick: We're Jewish. [sobs] I don't know what to say.
Harry: Mazel tov! I'm sorry, it just popped out.

Quote from Mrs. Dubcek

Dick: Mrs. Dubcek, as long as you're up here, what ethnic group do you come from?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, I'm a little Czech, a little Romanian. I'm your basic Slavic mutt, like my third husband.
Dick: Oh. What were your first two?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, the first was Irish, and the second was one of your people.
Dick: Our people?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah. Well, you know, Jewish.
Dick, Harry & Tommy: Jewish! [they confer] Oh!
Dick: So what tipped you off?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, with your name it's pretty obvious.
Dick: Our name?
Mrs. Dubcek: Solomon.
Dick: Oh, you wonderful, wonderful woman! Thank you so much!

Quote from Harry

Sally: Harry, can I ask you a question?
Harry: Oh. Uh, sure. Just give me a second to finish what I was doing. [stares off into the distance] Okay, what is it?

Quote from Tommy

Tommy: [sings] Whoa, this planet sucks Lord, it makes me wanna cry Yeah, I said this planet sucks Lord, it makes a poor boy wanna cry Anybody'd know we was leavin' Lord, I might just lay my head down and die
Dick: Tommy, what are you doing?
Tommy: Well, I'm Black now. I'm Black, and I got the blues.
Dick: You can't be Black. Nina is Black. And I get the impression from her they have strict rules about these things.
Tommy: [sings] Now I can't even be Black
Dick: Tommy, I command you to put that thing down.
Tommy: High commander starts bossin' Best believe you better jump...

Quote from Mary

Dick: Look, the problem is, these books are full of dry facts but no value judgments. I mean, this is your field. You tell me. Out of all the possible ethnic groups, which one is the best?
Mary: Oh, no, there's no best. It's all subjective.
Dick: Well, which do you find the most interesting?
Mary: Oh, there are so many. Um... I love the creative ambition of the Maori people, uh, the Polynesian culture with its joyous embrace of nature, uh, the quiet dignity of-
Dick: What's the sexiest?
Mary: Italians.
Dick: Italians?
Mary: Smoky, swarthy. Gotta have 'em. Oh, gotta go.

Quote from Dick

Sally: Why do we have to come to school to talk to Tommy's teachers?
Dick: I know. It's a complete waste of time.
Sally: Why can't they come to us?
Dick: I'm telling you, the high school teachers on this planet are so full of themselves. It's all those TV commercials glorifying learning. You know, "The more you know." It makes them drunk with power.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Mr. Randell, I'd like to get out of here while I'm still clean-shaven. So you can begin lavishing Tommy with praises anytime you're ready.
Mr. Randell: Well, the truth is that I think Tommy can do a lot better.
Dick: Be careful, sir. You're talking about the creature I've come to think of as my son.

Quote from Dick

Dick: Tommy, I talked to your teacher, Mr. Randell. He said that you're not fitting in.
Tommy: Of course I'm not fitting in. To fit in, you have to be something.
Dick: Well, we're something. We're human beings. Why, has anyone said differently?
Tommy: No. No, it's just everybody at school is something extra. You know, they're African- American or Italian-American or Asian-American, audio-visual American.
Dick: Well, we're human-American. That should be enough.
Tommy: No, Dick, it's part of my mission as an adolescent to rebel against my upbringing. And if you don't tell me what we are, then I can't do my job. Frankly, I can't work like this.
Dick: All right, if we have to be part of some group, we will be. I'll do some research. I'll ask around. I'll find out what the best thing to be is. And by the end of the week, we'll be that.
Tommy: Wait. What should I be till then?
Dick: Well, we're carbon-based life-forms. Just tell everyone we're carbo-Americans.

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