Dick: No, let me explain. Let's say that these eggs represent all our money.
Tommy: Uh-huh.
Dick: And these containers represent stocks.
Tommy: I'm with you.
Dick: Now, if one of these stocks is doing better than all the others, then we should put all our money in that stock.
Tommy: Oh, I see what you're saying. So we should put all of our eggs in one basket.
Dick: No. We should put all our eggs in one bucket.
Tommy: No eggs in the basket?
Dick: Forget the basket.

Dick: Hey. What are you doing lollygagging about?
Tommy: Lollygagger.
Dick: You. Get off the phone.
Tommy: See me in my office.
Dick: Get him an office. Hey, I notice you're all drinking from separate cups. One cup per group.
Tommy: We're trying to run a business here.
Dick: Not a water-drinking factory.
Tommy: What is with all the computers in here?
Dick: Hasn't anybody heard of an abacus?!

Dick: All right, Tommy. We were lucky enough to land on earth in the middle of the biggest bull market in history, so it's time that we took advantage of it.
Tommy: And you expect to make enough money in the stock market to take Albright to Cancun.
Dick: Yeah. But if we'd found out about the stock market when we first landed here, we would own freakin' Cancun.
Tommy: Excuse me. I read all about it right after we landed.
Dick: Well, why didn't you say anything?
Tommy: Dick, I was thirteen-years-old, I wasn't obsessed with money. I was obsessed with boobs.
Dick: Well, why haven't you said anything since?
Tommy: Again, boobs.

Dick: Hey, you. Walk with me. What do you do here?
Man: Uh, I'm the VP in charge of marketing.
Dick: Enjoying yourself?
Man: Oh, yeah. I love the work. The hours are great, and the day care is really convenient.
Dick: You hear that, Tommy?
Tommy: I sure do, Dick.
Dick: Shut down the day care, make this guy work weekends, and then fire him. No one has this much fun on my dime.

Dick: Who the hell are you? I'll take this chair, if you don't mind. [dumps the executive out of the chair] So, where were we?
Tommy: Cost cutting.
Dick: That's right. I've gone over the numbers a million times, and I still don't see how you can justify spending that much money for a table this long. Feedback?
Executive: Yeah. Who are you?
Dick: Who are you?
Executive: Bob Gander.
Dick: Hi, Bob. You're fired. As a matter of fact, you're all fired.
President: Now just a second. You can't fire me. I'm John Eversoll, president of this company, and just who do you think you are?
Dick: I am the noble stockholder. It is I who paid for your desk. It is I who bought this office building. And without my investment dollars, you would have nothing. Am I your boss? No. I am your god!

Don: Sally, Harry, welcome to the Rutherford P.D. gym.
Sally: Aw, this place is cool.
Don: Yeah, this is where we boys in blue sweat and strain day in and day out, week after week, all so that we may better protect and serve.
Harry: Mm. Is it always this crowded?
Don: I don't know. I've never been here before.

Dick: Tommy. Tommy, did you see this?
Tommy: We lost everything, Dick.
Dick: But why? How did it happen, Tommy? What made the stock go down?
Tommy: Well, that's the funny thing. It was just a little rumor, see?
Dick: A rumor?
Tommy: They reported it on CNN. Said the company had a little problem with overspending. Overspending.
Dick: But a rumor can't do that much harm, can it?
Tommy: Oh, a rumor? No. It can just turn a sweet girl into a whore and a rich man into a pauper!

Dick: Well, we're not down yet. If one rumor can send our stock tumbling, then another one can bring it back up again. Follow my lead. [sits down at a table next to Judith & Strudwick] Now, Tom, keep this close to your chest, but I heard a rumor about Eversoll, Inc.
Tommy: Eversoll, Inc.? Isn't that a small company that manufactures toasters?
Dick: That's right.
Tommy: Toasters. Wow-wee! That is cutting-edge technology.
Dick: Yeah, that's right, but here's the big news. Rumor has it that the average Chinese person is eating more toast than ever. It's the hip new food. Rice is out, and toast is in.
Tommy: Toast, eh? So that means that the Chinese will be buying toasters up the ying-yang.
Dick: And that means that we'll be buying Eversoll up the ying-yang.
Tommy: Eversoll! [both chuckle]

Dick: Tommy, how's our stock doing?
Tommy: It dropped a point.
Dick: Oh, yeah? You're fired.
Tommy: Excuse me?!
President: Get them out of here.
[Dick and Tommy are apprehended by security guards]
Dick: Wait, wait, wait. Do we need two security guards? I don't think so. Fire them both and get one big one.

Dick: Hi, guys. What's all the excitement about?
Mary: Dick, did you see what the market did today?
Dick: Oh. Yes, they switched the canned goods to aisle 6. Why do you think I'm late?
Strudwick: She's talking about the stock market, you idiot.