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Dr. Solomon's Traveling Alien Show

‘Dr. Solomon's Traveling Alien Show’

Season 4, Episode 1 - Aired September 23, 1998

Harry winds up in a county fair freak show after being kidnapped. Meanwhile, the Big Giant Head starts to shut Dick's brain down because their status report is late.

Quote from Dick

Tommy: How's Dick?
Sally: Oh, not so good. I thought he could use some fresh air, so I sent him down to the old town road to pick up strawberries. [Dick returns] Wow. You're back quick.
Dick: [as Henry Fonda] You want to know why I came back so fast? I got to the end of our driveway, and I couldn't remember which way to go. I went into our backyard, and nothing looked familiar to me. Not one damn tree. Scared me half to death.
Sally: Snap out of it, ya old poop!


Quote from Sally

Tommy: Why don't we just grab him?
Sally: Good idea, bonehead! Then we create even more of a scene.
Tommy: I'm sorry!
Harry: [to crowd] We visited your tiny little planet thousands of years ago and built the towering pyramids!
Tommy: What?! We didn't build the pyramids. We killed the dinosaurs.
Sally: We killed the dinosaurs?
Tommy: Didn't we?
Sally: Oh, whatever.

Quote from Mary

Mary: Why do we put up with 'em? Well, I know why you do, Don. I mean, how often does a super model fall into your lap? You won the lottery. No offense.
Don: No. None taken. [chuckles] But you've got to admit, you've got lucky, too.
Mary: Excuse me?
Don: Come on, admit it. You're a lonely schoolmarm in a one-horse town, when along comes a crazy cowpoke sniffin' around your petticoat.
Mary: Did Dick tell you about our Gunsmoke game?
Don: No.
Mary: We don't have one.

Quote from Harry

Garvin: Ladies and gentlemen, Garvin's Gallery of Apparitions and Curiosities is proud to present Hargo the Alien. [applause]
Harry: People of earth I come in peace. I am Hargo. Just Hargo. Where I come from, we don't have last names, which makes it really difficult, because on my planet, Hargo is a really popular name. Much like your Bob. [people walk away] W- Wait a second, you guys. Did I mention that I come in pea- [voice quavers] Incoming message from the Big Giant Head! Our records continue to indicate that you have failed to file your status report. Immediate response mandatory. Penalties for delinquency include, but are not limited to, systematic disconnection of your High Commander's brain functions. Have a nice day! Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1... [sneezes] [crowd cheers]

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

Vicki Dubcek: Okay, I've made an appointment with the psychic. She's gonna tell us where Harry is.
Sally: Great. Let's go.
Tommy: Wait, wait. Now, if she's so psychic, why doesn't she just use her powers to win the lottery or something?
Vicki Dubcek: Because psychics are not in it for the money, Tommy. They are here to help people. See, that's why they stay on the line as long as you need them.

Quote from Harry

Harry: We come in peace. And only--[voice quavers] Incoming message from the Big Giant Head!
Tommy: Oh, no!
Sally: My god!
Dick: This is a good show. He reminds me of George Gobel.
Harry: Stage one of brain shutdown is complete. Amygdaloid nucleus and thalamus will be disabled next unless your High Commander files his status report. Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1... [sneezes] [applause]

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

Psychic: I'm sensing that someone you love is missing.
Vicki Dubcek: How did you know that?
Tommy: You told her on the phone.
Psychic: Did you bring me a lock of his hair?
Vicki Dubcek: Uh, no, ma'am, I didn't, but I've got some letters of his and, uh, this is my Wonderbra. It's his sleep toy.

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

Psychic: Wait a minute, I've seen this guy.
Tommy: Here we go.
Vicki Dubcek: She's havin' a vision.
Psychic: No, no, I'm not. I saw this guy at the Lapine County Fair.
Vicki Dubcek: Huh. You saw him in your head?
Psychic: No, no. I saw him at the fair. He's working there.
Vicki Dubcek: Well, why don't you lay out some cards and you can tell us more.
Tommy: Wait! No, no, no. She doesn't need to lay out cards. We can go get Harry. Come on.
Vicki Dubcek: Well, Tommy, I guess you were right. This woman is nothin' but a sham.
Tommy: Thank you. You've really been a big help.
Vicki Dubcek: Bitch.

Quote from Dick

Dick: I'm afraid of Virginia Woolf! Me!

Quote from Don

Don: They are a strange family.
Mary: So strange.
Don: You know, they have a litter box. But no cat.
Mary: [laughs] Okay, how about this? Dick saves his toenail clippings and puts them in a shredder 'cause he's afraid of being cloned. [Don chuckles] So odd.
Don: So very... very odd.

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