Dick: Hey. What are you doing lollygagging about?
Tommy: Lollygagger.
Dick: You. Get off the phone.
Tommy: See me in my office.
Dick: Get him an office. Hey, I notice you're all drinking from separate cups. One cup per group.
Tommy: We're trying to run a business here.
Dick: Not a water-drinking factory.
Tommy: What is with all the computers in here?
Dick: Hasn't anybody heard of an abacus?!

Dick: "When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles, and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles, they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle." This man is a genius!

Nina: The administration office called. They contacted Stanford about transferring your graduate records, but they don't seem to have them.
Dick: Are you implying that I don't have records? All humans have records, and I'm a human. Therefore, I have records.
Nina: I'm sorry, but Stanford says they have no record of you at all.
Dick: Oh, those incompetents. Do I have to fly out to Denver and straighten this out myself?
Nina: Stanford's in California, not Denver.
Dick: Well, that explains it. They lost my records in the move.

Dick: I can't believe the arbitrary way that humans decide which animals to revere and which to eat. It's nothing more than a barbaric popularity contest. Take the koala bear: cute and cuddly. Have you ever heard of a koala burger? A koala dog? Koala falafel? No! The noble cow, whose only sins are her pendulous teets and redundant stomachs, is doomed to be sawed into freezer-friendly chunks and sold by the pound to the bloodthirsty masses.

Nina: So, how was your party? Did you play "pin the tail on the Bentley"?
Dick: [sighs] No, no. Mostly we just played "pin the cheese on the cracker."
Nina: Mmm exciting party, huh?
Dick: Exciting? It was awful. I had a two-hour conversation with someone about Cornish gay men.
Nina: Are you sure it wasn't "Cornish game hen?"
Dick: That's what I said, "Cornish gay men." Aren't you listening?

Judith: Dr. Solomon, do you have anything to say in your defense?
Dick: I have plenty to say.
Professor Suter: I should have brought a book.
Dick: I stand here accused of insensitivity. Oh, sure, I've tried to change my ways. I've cried. I've hugged. I've been hugged. And you know what I've discovered? I'm an offensive person. But in a tolerant society, is there no place for my kind? Why must everyone like me? Why can't we all just not get along? Conflict is necessary. Throughout history, human beings have persecuted the great agitators. Socrates, Galileo, and now Dick Solomon. Where would you be without us to provoke and enlighten you? To attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance? Throughout history, all over the world, people have rightfully looked to Pendelton State for virtually nothing. But maybe one day they'll be able to say that an unpopular battle was won there for an ugly little thing called the truth.
Judith: Thank you.
Dick: And when they make a movie of this - and they will - I don't want to be played by Woody Harrelson.

Mary: Dick, I heard you ran out of Dr. Howard's office today.
Dick: That's not true. It's my word against his.
Nina: Ahem.
Dick: It's Nina's and my word against his.
Nina: Oh, give it up.
Dick: Oh, fine. I left your office. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But it wasn't out of fear, no. It was out of protest.
Judith: Oh, this should be good.
Dick: You doctors. Your A.M.A.s and your H.M.O.s. People treat you like gods. But you're just a bunch of mountebanks and charlatans, with your "vaccines" and your "penicillins." Oh, sure, people are healthier now than ever, but at what cost? Well, I'll have none of it. Good night, good doctor. Good night! [silence] [runs outs]

Dick: So, what has this flagrant display of insensitivity taught you, Mary?
Mary: That you don't have a monopoly on idiotic behavior.
Dick: Exactly.
Mary: So, Dick, can you forgive and forget?
Dick: Oh, I forgive. But I don't forget. And I don't forgive.

Dick: We can lie on our taxes.
Tommy: I can't believe that no human has ever thought of this before.
Sally: Okay, wait a second, you guys. What if we get caught?
Dick: How can we get caught? All those other dopes out there are telling the truth about their taxes. They're just going to assume that we are, too.
Tommy: Hey, check this out. You can get a deduction for having a home business.
Dick: Really? Then it's a good thing that you run one here, Sally.
Sally: Yes, Dick, it sure is.

Dick: Sally, I've made such a mistake. I thought all this technology would help me wrap my arms around humankind. But I was wrong. All it gave me was a raging case of carpal tunnel syndrome.
Tommy: So what about being connected to the world wide web?
Dick: I wasn't connected to anything. I was separated. And that's not what we came to this planet for. That's what technology does. Technology is evil!
Tommy: Dick, just because you went nuts, that doesn't mean that all technology is evil.
Dick: Of course it does.
Sally: What about, uh... medical technology?
Dick: Medical technology is okay.
Tommy: Okay, uh, what about the computers that make sure airplanes don't crash?
Dick: Those I like. But that's it.
Harry: Well, what about the machine that puts the creamy filling in the cupcakes?
Dick: Harry, no! I've already drawn the line. Oh... who am I kidding? I'm not gonna manually inject cream into my own cupcakes.