Dick: How can you possibly say Harrison Ford is sexier than I am? I mean, just because he's got those incredible cheekbones and that perfectly chiseled jaw and those penetrating brown eyes that you... you could almost lose yourself in if you stare at them long enough... Whoa!
Mary: But I love you. See you, Dick.
Dick: [holds hand mirror in one hand and magazine in the other] Oh, my God! I'm hideous!

Dick: Nina, I just want you to know that after my surgery, I'm going to be devastatingly handsome. It's going to be very difficult for you to keep your hands off of me.
Nina: Oh, really?
Dick: But no matter how gorgeous I look, it'll still be me underneath, and, uh, I'm still not attracted to you.
Nina: And I just want you to know that if you never came out of anesthesia, that that would be okay with me.
Dick: Thank you. That is so sweet.

Sally: Unbelievable. Look at all these magazines. Everything revolves around the beautiful people. They have it all. I mean how are the rest of us supposed to compete?
Harry: Well, you got a big hunk of celery in your teeth, and that won't help.
Sally: Thanks. Look at this. Every beautiful woman is with a beautiful guy.
Harry: Yeah, we do tend to gravitate to our own kind.
Sally: Man, how did a gorgeous guy like Don end up with a double-bagger like me?
Harry: It's a brain-teaser.
Sally: It's wrong. It is wrong, Harry. I mean, this- This is the life Don should be living. He should be the dude with the hot babe on his shoulders. And he should be on the jet-ski with a menthol cigarette in his mouth but he's not. Because I'm draggin' him down. I'm draggin' my beautiful Donny down.
Harry: Mmm. You know, I didn't want to say anything, but you totally are.
Sally: Thanks, Harry. Now I know what to do.

Sally: Come on, Don. Stop pretending. I mean, you and I both know that a relationship cannot last when one of the people looks like me and the other looks like you.
Don: Damn it! I knew one day you'd wake up and realize what was goin' on.
Sally: Don't kick yourself, Donny. We gave it our best shot.
Don: I thought we were beyond looks, Sally.
Sally: Come on, Don. Look at you. How could we get beyond that?
Don: Yeah, I guess so.
Sally: Don't get me wrong. I appreciate your kindness. Not many men would hang in there with a gal as unattractive as me.
Don: What?
Sally: Don't make me spell it out for you, Don. I know I'm as ugly as they come. I don't even know how you can stand to look at me.
Don: ... ... Well, Sally, I'm not gonna lie to ya. It's been hard. It's been a real struggle. And granted, we'll continue to get stares out in public, but... that's a price I'm willing to pay because I love you.
Sally: Oh, Donny! Oh, ho ho! Thank you! Thank you!

Harry: Hey, doc. What can you do for me?
Dr. Lasker: Oh, my God! The symmetry of those cheekbones! That chin, that aquiline nose...
Harry: Stop. It tickles.
Dr. Lasker: Surgically speaking, this man is perfect!
Dick & Sally: What?
Tommy: But look at him! His eyes don't even open all the way.
Dr. Lasker: You know something? You and I, we could be brothers.

Harry: Well... first of all, this whole area needs to be sucked out.
Dick: You think?
Harry: Who's the handsomest guy here?
Dick: You.
Harry: All right.
Tommy: And, uh... let's not forget about the pectoral implants.
Harry: Mmm. Yeah. Now, should we go in, uh, through the armpits or the nipples?
Tommy: I'd remove the nipples.
Dick: Remove them completely?
Tommy: In a second.
Harry: Yeah, but then I'd sew 'em back on up here.
Dick: Well... that's not a little high?
Harry: No, no. They'll extend the torso and make the whole package appear leaner.

Tommy: Well, if you're gonna do that, you might as well put 'em up here.
Dick: On the shoulders?
Tommy: Why not?
Harry: I like it.
Dick: That's good.
Tommy: And let's remove a couple ribs, shall we?
Dick: I hate my ribs.
Harry: Mmm, yeah. Oh, and, uh... right about here. [Harry draws a line just above Dick's knee]
Dick: What's that for?
Harry: That's for later.

Dick: Well, old face, this is the last time I'll be seeing you. I'd say good-bye, but good riddance is more like it. [chuckles] Look at this forehead. All mottled and wrinkled from years of tortured thoughts and and gentle ruminations. I'm certainly not going to miss that. Or this chin, for that matter, all scratched and scarred from shaving in a rush so often, trying to get to work on time or... or to Mary's house to pick her up for a date. I remember this one. I was rushing off to take her on a picnic. It started to rain, so we had to eat wet tuna sandwiches in an outhouse. That was so nice. So, good-bye, old chin. You'll be facing the laser soon. And good-bye to you, old nose. And take care, old ears. And you, too, old lips. And take care of yourselves... eyes. Oh, my God. What am I doing?
Dr. Lasker: All right, Dick, we're ready for you now.
Dick: Well, we're not ready for you!
Dr. Lasker: What?
Dick: I'm not gonna change this face! This face is a scrapbook dedicated to who I am, damn it! And, by God, I'm gorgeous!
Dr. Lasker: No, you're not.
Dick: Screw you!

Sally: This is so unfair. If everyone can just pay to be good-looking, it totally cheapens things for those of us who are naturally exquisite.
Tommy: Natural? There's nothing natural about you. You picked your body out of a catalog.
Harry: Mine came with a free tote bag.

Dick: I just don't get it. Harrison Ford and I have all the same parts: a nose, and a mouth. How come they look so much better on him?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, you know, you could always do a little snip-snip job.
Dick: If you're suggesting that I kidnap someone, cut off his face, and glue it onto my own, don't. Because that never looks as good as it should.
Mrs. Dubcek: I was talking about plastic surgery. Yeah. You know, ten years ago, I had my boobs done.
Sally: You did?
Mrs. Dubcek: Reduced three sizes.