Dick: I have spent my entire life as a human on the outside looking in. Always trying, approximating, attempting, but never being a human being.
Sally: That's 'cause you're not.
Dick: Lieutenant, I refuse to be defined by who I am. My past has always gotten me into trouble. As of now, I have no past. I am no longer an alien.
Sally: What?
Dick: From now on, I am a human being. I am John Q. Pubic.

Dick: So, Mary, what do you want for Valentine's Day this year?
Mary: Oh, I'm not expecting much.
Dick: Why not?
Mary: Well, the first year we dated, you claimed to have never heard of Valentine's Day. The second year you gave me a ham sandwich. That's why I'm not expecting much.

Sally: Look what some weirdo left on the porch.
Tommy: Let me see that. "Dear Sally, I can't stop thinking about you."
Harry: Whoa, this guy sounds obsessed.
Tommy: "I stay up at night just to watch you sleep."
Sally: Ew.
Tommy: "On this Valentine's Day your heart will be mine." [Harry screams]
Don: No, you don't understand.
Sally: This is the most creepy, horrible, disgusting thing I have ever encountered.
Tommy: It's a good thing you're dating a cop.
Sally: Yes, it is, yes. Don, should we go outside and look for clues?
Don: Clues? Sure, why not?

Sally: Have there been any breaks in the case?
Don: Uh, uh, no, Sally. Uh, but I've got every available man on it.
Sally: What about a handwriting expert? I- Don't you guys have some sort of handwriting expert that can take a look at this thing?
Don: A handwriting expert? Sally, we're just a small police department, and I, uh... I'm the handwriting expert. Uh, here, let me take a look at that. Aha. Given the slope of this crossed "t", we can definitely conclude that this guy is a lover, not a loser, Sally.
Sally: Really?
Rico: I don't know. Curve of the "v" says he's a pervert. And the capital "y" says he's killed and will kill again.
Don: Rico!
Sally: I knew it! Don, I cannot sleep knowing that he is out there. Please find him for me. Just find him. [exits]
Rico: Boy, oh, boy. You better find that perv.
Don: [to himself] I'm the perv.

Dick: The first time I saw Mary undress, I remember thinking, "God, I hope this skylight holds."
Dr. Brand: Would you consider your relationship with Mary to be a happy one?
Dick: Yes. Apart from the occasional mishap.
Dr. Brand: Mishap?
Dick: You know, like me publicly accusing her of murder or... or showing up naked at one of her fund-raisers.
Dr. Brand: So those weren't Mary's delusions.
Dick: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Brand: Go on.
Dick: I mean, I try so hard to do the right thing, but inevitably my choice is "the worst thing imaginable." Her words.

Mary: When I was five, I wanted a piano just like this, but my mother wouldn't get it for me.
Dick: Here's another one, Mary.
Mary: Oh, my God! Do you know what this is?
Dick: Yeah, it's the novel that your professor wrote while you were having an affair with him in college.
Mary: How did you know that?
Dick: And here is a flowing black wig. Your camp counselor wouldn't let you play Maria in West Side Story, but I will.
Mary: I never told you any of these things.
Dick: But you told your therapist, who is now my therapist.
Mary: You're seeing my therapist?
Dick: Yeah. You betcha.
Mary: And she told you all of this?
Dick: Oh, of course not. Mary, that would be completely unethical. I looked at your files while she went to the bathroom.

Sally: Hey, you guys, why is everything so red on Valentine's Day? I mean, the greeting cards and the candy. Even the tire ads.
Dick: Well, red represents all the blood that was spilled at the massacre.
Harry: Massacre?
Dick: Yeah, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. It was a very big deal here on Earth.

Dick: Oh, my God! You're talking about me!
Mary: Yes. No. Dick, that's between me and my therapist.
Dick: But tell me!
Mary: No!
Dick: Please.
Mary: No! So what are you going to eat?
Dick: That's between me and my waiter.

Tommy: So I got Alissa and me a room at the Ramada.
Harry: Attaboy!
Tommy: She's totally fine with it.
Harry: Attaboy!
Tommy: But I'm a virgin.
Harry: Attaboy!
Tommy: And, you know, she's not.
Harry: Atta-
Tommy: Stop it!
Harry: What, you mean the pointing or the actual-
Tommy: Everything! I don't know what to do, man. She's so much more experienced than me. What if I make a fool of myself?
Harry: Oh, don't worry. You will.

Dr. Brand: So, Dick, what would you like to talk about?
Dick: Mary Albright.
Dr. Brand: Okay.
Dick: What does she talk about when she comes here?
Dr. Brand: I can't discuss patients, Dick. Doctor-client privilege is the foundation of trust in psychotherapy.
Dick: Oh, that makes perfect sense. I respect that. How about I ask you questions about Mary, and you nod your head yes or no?
Dr. Brand: [nods] No.
Dick: Was that a yes?
Dr. Brand: No.
Dick: Was that a no?
Dr. Brand: [nods] Yes!
Dick: Yes. Good, good.