Mary: What are these?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Escargot foie gras champignon à la grecque en croute. Do try one.
Mary: Oh, this is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!
Dick: Once again, I come in second.

Dick: So, Dr. Neesam, what has brought you to Pendelton?
Dr. Liam Neesam: A plane. Lethal contraption.
Dick: Oh, I agree. Your fate is in the hands of a couple of doormen and a uniformed waitress.
Dr. Liam Neesam: And the endless pointing.
Dick: Oh, god, yes! They point to where the door is.
Dr. Liam Neesam: And you only just came through it.
Dick: Exactly.
Dr. Liam Neesam: As far as I'm concerned, if the plane lands on the water, my flotation device will be the person next to me.
Dick: Dr. Neesam, I find you pompous, judgmental, and completely self-absorbed. Would you be my friend?
Dr. Liam Neesam: We'll see.

[As Dick gets ready to swing his golf club, Dr. Neesam blows an air horn. When Dick turns around, Dr. Neesam hides the horn behind his back.]
Dr. Liam Neesam: What?
Dick: What was that?
Dr. Liam Neesam: What?
Dick: That noise.
Dr. Liam Neesam: What noise? I don't recall a noise. Maybe a bird a small rodent. Perhaps you have a brain tumor.
[As Dick lines up his shot, Dr. Neesam puts the small air horn away and removes a larger one from his bag. He sounds it just as Dick gets ready to swing.]
Dick: What was that?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, this? Um, it's an experiment. I wanted to see how you'd react. I am a biologist, you know.
Dick: Are you going to do it again?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Probably not.
[Dick has a dejected look on his face as he once again gets ready for his shot. Dick gasps as he swings his golf club back in the air and waits, only to swing the club down and chunk a piece of ground as he feebly hits the ball]
Dr. Liam Neesam: Bad luck. Better luck on the next hole. [air horn sounds]

Dr. Liam Neesam: Dick, you are quite a remarkable human creature.
Dick: Oh! [chuckles] Well, I agree with the remarkable part. After all, I figured out who you are, but you, my friend, have missed something glaringly obvious about me. Care to guess?
Dr. Liam Neesam: No. You see, I came to this planet for only one purpose: to destroy it.
Dick: What?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Oh, yes. Big explosion, chunks of debris, things flying every which way, then a second explosion, uh, not quite as huge as the first one, but still very big and sparkly, something- something to see. Only, of course, you wouldn't because you'd have been vaporized in the first one.
Dick: But why the earth?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Because you're blocking our view!
Dick: I won't let you!
Dr. Liam Neesam: No, no. Let me explain. When I first came to this planet, I looked around for signs of intelligence, but nothing much, certainly nothing to justify not blowing it up, then... then, Dick, I met you.
Dick: Ah, yes, me. Well, there's a reason why you were so impressed. You see, I'm not from Ohio.
Dr. Liam Neesam: You see, Dick, you proved to me that human beings can be bright in a sort of look-what- my-two-year-old-can-do sort of way.
Dick: That's because-
Dr. Liam Neesam: Tat is, if for two minutes they can get their minds off large-breasted lifeguards, coffee cake that doesn't make you fat, and Celine Dion. God, somebody tell her to stop. The boat sank. Let it go.

Dr. Liam Neesam: Dick, you, and you alone, have convinced me to spare your kind.
Dick: Me?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Mm-hmm.
Dick: Me?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Mm-hmm.
Dick: Oh, I see.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Now, what is this thing that's so important about you that I simply have to know it?
Dick: What? Hmm? Oh! Oh, that. Yes. Well, I'm, uh... I'm an... an... I'm a... Canadian.
Dr. Liam Neesam: I'm so sorry. Nevertheless, I'm going to do something that I hoped I wouldn't have to do.
Dick: What?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Well, we can't have you blabbing about this to everyone, can we? So I'm going to smooth over your memory traces, you see? Now, this device is very, very efficient, but it does melt about half a human brain. [device whirrs] They'll never notice in Canada. Well, then as I'm not blowing the place up, that'll give me time to buy a few souvenirs, or maybe I'll get a massage. Yes, that's it, a massage. [exits]
Dick: [chuckles] Human brain. Some of us don't have a human brain.

Mrs. Dubcek: Now, if you want to find out what's up with Don, why don't you try the old-fashioned method?
Sally: What do you mean, like, stalk him?
Mrs. Dubcek: No! Disguise yourself and follow him around.

Harry: Hey, you're wearing your lucky tie. What's the occasion?
Dick: Oh, no occasion, really. This hotshot visiting professor, Dr. Neesam, arrives today. The Dean asked me to show him around, so I want to look my best, just to let him know that he's on my turf.
Sally: Why don't you just drop your pants and spray all the corners?
Tommy: That's what cats do.
Sally: They do?

Dick: I'd like to introduce you to my family.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Ah, yes. The dim-witted brother and the surly adolescent.
Harry: Oh, well, he's sure got us pegged.
Dick: This is my sister Sally. You're in luck. She's available.
Dr. Liam Neesam: Really? A woman as beautiful as you, available?
Sally: Oh.
Dr. Liam Neesam: You must have a severe personality disorder.
Harry: Wow! This guy's amazing.

Dick: Oh, I can't stand it! He's beaten me again! Have you noticed how good he is at everything?
Mary: Oh-ho, yeah! I mean, yeah.
Dick: No wonder you couldn't resist him. He's just like me to the 10th degree.
Mary: Yes, that's why I did it! He's exactly like you!
Dick: I know! We're both brilliant. We're both gorgeous. We're both... Oh, my God, of course. We're both... [screams and runs out]
Mary: Well, that was easy.

Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, I'll tell you how to solve any kind of love problem. Now, what you do is you invite him in for a little casual breakfast, and when he's walkin' in, you're fryin' the eggs in the buff.
Harry: Ooh, I'd like to see that.
Mrs. Dubcek: No. You're not there.
Tommy: What? So we don't get any breakfast?
Mrs. Dubcek: Go get a doughnut.
Sally: Wait, wait. Hold up. Doesn't the grease splatter all over your boobs?
Harry: Wait a second. Doughnuts aren't breakfast.
Tommy: No, eggs are breakfast.
Harry: You know what's good for breakfast?
Sally: Shut up!