Tahani: Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry.
Jason: Janet was my whole afterlife. How am I gonna get over her?
Tahani: I used to have a breakup routine when a relationship ended. Champagne and Alanis Morissette. Not the actual singer. I just listened to her albums at my friend Adele's house.

Tahani: Who can convince her that this actually is the afterlife? We need someone authoritative and reassuring, like Nelson Mandela or Sir Patrick Stewart. Or really any of my old racquetball partners would do.

Tahani: I really do have sympathy for your situation. I mean, you thought your soul mate was a good person, and then you learned that she's just an immoral grifter.
Chidi: Tahani, please.
Tahani: Am I wrong? She lied to everyone. She caused a giant sinkhole into which poor Glenn fell. She caused a trash storm. She... Well, she pretended to be my friend when I really needed one. And, lest we forget, she murdered Janet. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner she's gone, the better off we'll all be.
Chidi: I... I understand that Eleanor violated our trust, but please, when you're talking to Michael, try to think about what she's had to go through.
Tahani: All right. I will, for you. But we've been through a lot as well. You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyonce.

Michael: Okay, Janet's passing out the file on Tahani Al-Jamil, who volunteered to be today's test subject. So, take a look, and then we'll get going.
Tahani: They don't seem very enthused. This may be a tougher challenge than I thought, like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance. The longest four years of my life.

Eleanor: Holy fork, that is a soothing chime.
Tahani: It really is the most incredible chime I've ever heard, and that is coming from someone whose godfather is the most famous clock in the world.
Chidi: Is Big Ben somehow your godfather?
Tahani: Mm-hmm.

Chidi: Anyone have any ideas?
Tahani: You know, believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.
Eleanor: Okay, stop talking. Do not talk again for 100 hours.

Tahani: I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply "did myself".

Tahani: Jason's a nice person, but my suitors were always of a certain echelon. I used what I called the "Duke Rule," because Duke is both minimum acceptable university and rank of nobility.
Janet: You've never dated anyone like Jason before.
Tahani: I mean, I've dallied below my station. I once had a brief fling with a non-famous Hemsworth brother, but even Larry Hemsworth had more status than Jason. Jason didn't even have a job... in a sad way, not in the good, rich way.

Michael: Hey, guys.
Tahani: [gasps] Michael, you frightened me. Jason's making me watch this horror film about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected child. [Home Alone plays]

Tahani: Eleanor, we have a train, a conductor, and a safe destination. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar. "Let's go." What? That's what I said.