Tahani: I feel just like Dorothy when she lands in Oz. Excited, incredulous, much taller than everyone else around me.

Eleanor: Oh, man. Look at this place!
Tahani: [wearing headphones] Karlie Kloss did like me! I knew it!

Tahani: Hello. I'm Tahani Al-Jamil.
Paltibaal: I'm Paltibaal. Welcome to paradise.
Tahani: So, what's your story? Did you cure something, or invent something?
Paltibaal: I helped the poor in Ancient Phoenicia.
Tahani: Excellent! I once had a Soul Cycle instructor named Phoenicia. How did you die?
Paltibaal: I got a cut on my hand. The year was 2491 BC, so that's pretty much all it took. You got a cut, or you drank water that wasn't hot enough, and then boom, dead. I would've killed for a vaccine. Any vaccine. It's crazy that you guys just don't like them now.
Tahani: So what's your favorite part about living here?
Paltibaal: I mean, it's perfect. We're all having orgasms literally all the time. I died a virgin, so that's real crazy.
Tahani: Okay.

Nick Offerman: Wow. These spindles are gorgeous. And there's almost a feeling of musculature to this transition.
Tahani: The oak just sort of told me the shape before I even got to the spoke shave.
Nick Offerman: This under-bevel is a great trick. It really makes it feel lighter while leaving you plenty of beef to carve.
Tahani: It's really just a modified Danish line.
Nick Offerman: Still, you made it your own. This is as good a chair as I've seen. I have nothing left to teach you.
Tahani: Ah. Hurrah! Thank you!

Tahani: [sighs] Can I tell you something? You're my role model.
Eleanor: [snorts] Come on.
Tahani: I'm serious.
Eleanor: Babe, you were already the most impressive person I ever met, and now you can do literally everything.
Tahani: If that's true, it's because you inspired me. I admire you so very much. Your strength, your toughness, your self-esteem, not to mention you have a rocking bod.
Eleanor: Did you just turn the tables on me? I got nothing left to teach you.
Tahani: Janet.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Tahani: One more goal to add to the list, please. ["Problematically objectify Eleanor" is added to the list] Now cross it off.

Tahani: Still second to last. [sighs]
[flashback:]
Manisha Al-Jamil: Tahani! This auction threatens to be an embarrassing failure.
Tahani: 5.2 million isn't bad.
Waqas Al-Jamil: It's very "middle-thermometer." Your public failure is our public failure.
Manisha Al-Jamil: You know what has to be done.
[later:]
Tahani: I'm very pleased to announce that there has been an addition to today's docket. I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah. [cheers and applause] Yes. Kamilah. Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, Olympic gold medalist for archery, a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album, and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." So without further ado, take it away from me! Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah. [applause]
Kamilah Al-Jamil: I am auctioning off a lunch date with me. [crowd exclaims] The bidding shall commence at £3 million. [excited murmuring]
Waqas Al-Jamil: 5 million!

Michael: Tahani and Jianyu are having a little welcome party tonight, and they've invited the entire neighborhood.
Tahani: I simply adore entertaining. Don't I just adore it, Jianyu? [Jianyu nods] Oh, um, yes, by the way, Jianyu here is a Buddhist monk, you see? And he obeys a strict code of silence. So when you see him smiling and nodding, that's actually his way of jumping up and down with glee. Isn't that right, darling? [Jianyu nods] So we'll see you tonight?
Eleanor: Great.
Chidi: Yes.

Eleanor: Michael? Hi. What have you been up to?
Michael: Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu. They are soul mates and your next-door neighbors.
Tahani: Hello. Can I just say I love your house? It's just so tiny and cute. It's like a little child's plaything, like for a family of mice or for a very fancy little dog. I love it. It's just so sweet and teensy. Just like you. Boop.
Eleanor: Oh.
Michael: Oh.
Eleanor: You booped me. [laughs]
Tahani: I did.
Eleanor: That's fun.

Tahani: Hello, Madam. Are you poor? Here's 5,000 dollars for a new stroller. Have a nice day.
Jason: You don't have to say the "are you poor?" part.
Tahani: Right.