Chidi: Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear in front of a judge who is going to judge us. What if I lie down here and I lose 12 points, and then we get in front of the Judge, and I'm 12 points short? Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all because we lied to get there? Kant says that lying is always wrong, and I follow that maxim.
Eleanor: So you can't even lie to demons? They're trying to torture us, man. We're behind enemy lines!
Chidi: Well, principles aren't principles when you pick and choose when you're going to follow them. I won't lie about who I am.
Eleanor: Okay. I understand, and I'm cool with it.
Chidi: You're lying right now, aren't you?
Eleanor: Yes. I want to strangle you.

Chidi: You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, but weirdly... I do.
Eleanor: There's my guy.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Doesn't matter. I'm gonna miss you, bud. Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth, I'll think of you.

Eleanor: Sorry. I've been flying for like, 40 hours. This is Australia, right?
Chidi: Yes. I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French. But I went to American schools, so I also speak English.
Eleanor: Oh.
Chidi: And German and Greek. And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.

Chidi: I hate this. And I'm sorry. And did I say that I hate this? Because I hate this.
Eleanor: You don't need to apologize for making a huge sacrifice to save your friends. This is why people love moral philosophy professors.
Chidi: [chuckles] Well, how about this? Every time you see me get a stomachache, imagine I'm thinking of you.
Eleanor: So, all the time?
Chidi: Exactly.

Eleanor: Here is your new home, complete with two of your favorite things: floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...
Chidi: Reading lights! I love reading lights. They are great for reading.
Eleanor: And, oh, check this out. Um, hold out your hand. And think about a book.
Chidi: [chortling] I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer. This is literally my number one dream. Also... ow! That hurt.

Chidi: Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Diogenes, they all gathered right here in the Agora. It was like the Avengers, but for super thinkers. [Eleanor laughs] Oh, come on. You brought me here. You knew what was gonna happen.
Eleanor: No, I love that you're so happy. Hey, let me ask you something. Is it weird that when I picture ancient Greeks, I make them really hot? Like, to me, Aristotle is basically John Stamos with a beard.
Chidi: Honestly, that's kind of how I picture him too.
Eleanor: Good, same page. [they high five]

Man: Hey. Do you wanna talk to God?
Chidi: "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. Who will wipe this blood off us? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?" Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.
Man: I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird.
[As the sprinklers starts, Chidi takes off his soaked t-shirt, drops it on the ground and walks away]

Chidi: No, no. This is worse. I mean, an existential crisis is an acknowledgement that life is absurd. And that absurdity needs to be confronted, but this is just denial. And at any moment that denial could collapse, and he'll be a mess. He is a Jenga tower of sadness.

Eleanor: Okay, a few days ago, Michael showed me something. And I don't know exactly how to say this, but you and I are... Bambadjan.
Chidi: You know, I never thought about it before but yeah, we are kinda Bambadjan.
Eleanor: No, you jetlagged doof. Bambadjan is the name of a demon from the Bad Place who is somehow right over there. Come with me right now.

Michael: Listen, Chidi. I've been studying your file. You're a very interesting case. You essentially only did one thing while you were on earth. You thought and wrote about ethics.
Chidi: Yes, I... I spent 18 years working on my manuscript called "Who We Are and Who We Are Not..."
Michael: No, no, no....
Chidi: " - Practical Ethics and Their Application in the Modern World; A Treatise..."
Michael: Yes, yes, yes, that's the one. That's the one.