Simone: Soul mates? That's what Eleanor said, that we're soul mates?
Chidi: Yep. Pretty neat, huh? I think it's pretty neat. Do you think it's pretty neat, intensely, forever?
Simone: Chidi, I really like you. But I don't think we're soul mates. Because I don't think soul mates actually exist.
Chidi: Right. Right, right. Right?
Simone: Think rationally. Isn't it weird that she only told one of us that we're soul mates?
Chidi: Is it odd? Yes. Does it mean that Eleanor's motives are questionable? Also, yes. But does it suggest that she wasn't being truthful? Yes. Okay, I'm starting to see your point.
Simone: Whoa.
Chidi: What does that mean? Why is it only four of us? Why not Tahani and Jason? Why are there emojis? I mean, one of them's party hat guy. I mean, that's good, right? He's friendly. It's better than thermometer guy or angry cat or smiling poop coil.
Simone: Okay, we have to get back to the party before Eleanor and Michael notice we're missing.
Chidi: Great plan. Let's kiss. Sorry, still thinking about the soul mate thing. Let's go.

Simone: Okay, wherever we are, I do not wanna be here when the clock hits zero, okay? Now might be our only chance to escape.
Chidi: Not without Brent.
John: Do you think if the roles were reversed, he would waste any time rescuing you?
Chidi: Maybe. If Elle Macpherson were nearby and he wanted to impress her or if he thought that I was a prince he could ransom... That's not the point. He is a person in a hole. I have a duty to help him get out. What he would do is irrelevant.
Simone: I don't think it is. If you do a science experiment a thousand times and always get the same results, you move on. We've given Brent a thousand chances to be a good person. In one of them, he was so awful, you punched him in the face.
Chidi: Okay, but when I did that, I thought cutting him out of our group meant that he would have to find another place in heaven to hang out. That's changed. I can't just leave him.
Simone: Well, I respect your position.
Chidi: I respect yours.
John: Look, I know everything's really scary right now, but I just have to say it. That was the most boring breakup I've ever seen.

Chidi: So about this party, is everyone in the Good Place invited? Like, is Aristotle gonna be there?
Janet: Sorry, Chidi, Aristotle's in the Bad Place. He defended slavery.
Chidi: Socrates?
Janet: No, too annoying. Very loud chewer.
Chidi: Plato.
Janet: Slavery again. Oh, you know who is here? Hypatia of Alexandria. Do you know her?
Chidi: Hypatia? [Janet nods] Of Alexandria.
Janet: That's right.
Chidi: Uh, yeah, I know her. [muffled screams] Ooh, Hypatia! I'm gonna ask her so many questions pertaining to the grand ideas about the universe, like: "Why?" Oh, oh, and also... "How?"
Janet: Ooh.

Eleanor: "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." Boom! I did it! It only took me 2,000 Bearimies, but I finally finished that book. Ha-ha, sucker! Reading you was an unending task, but I freaking did it!
Chidi: Congrats, babe.
Eleanor: Thanks. What are you reading?
Chidi: "The Da Vinci Code."
Eleanor: Really?
Chidi: Yeah, after a thousand lifetimes of reading the most difficult writings in the world, I've acquired a new passion. Garbage books. Hey, do you think I would've been a good symbologist, if that were a real job?
Eleanor: Yes, I do. You're very cute.

Chidi: So Aristotle was Plato's student. And Aristotle believes that your character is voluntary, because it's just the result of your actions, which are under your control. For example, right now, you have made the insane choice to ignore the person who is literally trying to save you from eternal damnation.
Eleanor: No, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm listening. Uh, I just... are we sure we should be paying attention to these guys? It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
Chidi: Plato.

Chidi: You sure this is where you want to be right now? At the Tea for Two couples cafe?
Tahani: There's no use avoiding it, Chidi. I'm alone. Jianyu and I have nothing in common. I just want a soul mate. Someone I can share my passions with, someone who I can talk to about the ethereal colors of a Degas.
Chidi: I love Degas. I took painting lessons as a kid, and Degas was always my inspiration.
Tahani: And do you like France as much as I do?
Chidi: Well, they enslaved my country for 300 years. So no. But they have great museums.

Chidi: It doesn't change the fact that we weren't truthful. There's an old Chinese proverb... "Lies are like tigers. They are bad."
Eleanor: That's it?
Chidi: It's more poetic in Mandarin.

Eleanor: Are you gonna talk, or just walk around like a nerd trying to get a personal best on his Fitbit?
Chidi: I'm sorry, I'm trying to process a tremendous amount of insane information. I mean, you're not supposed to be here, but you and I clearly met here, somehow, before now. I mean... does that mean that I'm not supposed to be here?
Eleanor: I don't know, dude. Were you a good person on earth?
Chidi: I... I think so. I spent my life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the uni... [gasps] Oh, no! I used almond milk in my coffee, even though I knew about the negative environmental impact.

Chidi: I've been racking my brain, trying to find a way to get through to Michael. What do you think about writing a rap musical about Kierkegaard?
Eleanor: I think that's a terrible idea.
Chidi: Cool. [throws away papers]

Michael: Chidi? Talk it out, buddy. What are we thinking?
Eleanor: He thinks he just killed a bunch of people with a trolley.
Michael: It's just a simulation. I would never make you kill real people.
Chidi: Oh, well, that's reassuring, because some of the parts of the fake people flew into my mouth!