Murray: [answers phone] Talk fast, I got a flip-flopped cake coming my way. Cookbook publisher? We don't need any books! We're a TV household!

Pop-Pop: Here we go again, his highness bellyaching about his birthday.
Murray: What birthday? You never even gave me one.
Pop-Pop: La-di-da. Look who needs a birthday every year. Who are you, Colonel Sanders?
Murray: The chicken guy?
Pop-Pop: He was fancy, though, huh? I mean, who would wear a white suit around all those chickens?
Murray: Fine. The Colonel is a Southern dandy. But you never gave me a card or a cake or, God forbid, a present!
Pop-Pop: Well, who knows what kids want?
Murray: I told you every year!
Pop-Pop: Yeah, socks that you'd call your own.
Murray: No, a transistor radio to listen to a ball game!
Pop-Pop: Oh, boo-hoo. You know what you did get? A roof.
Murray: Oh, you spoiled me by letting me indoors.

Murray: I think everything's gonna be okay.
Beverly: You're okay with your sweet little peanut shacking up with that walking menace Geoff Schwartz?
Murray: Menace? They already spent the summer in a van half the size of a dorm room.
Beverly: That's beside the point.
Murray: She loves him, he loves her. I don't like anybody, and I like him!
Beverly: Well, he is sweet and smart and would do anything for her.
Murray: And I've never seen her this happy.
Beverly: I guess.
Murray: I know. For someone who worries so much about failing as a mother, I'd take this as a win.

Adam: Dad, sign this.
Murray: Ask your mother.
Adam: I'm asking you.
Murray: I don't go against your mother. I'm more of a "wait and see and then wait some more" kinda guy. So scoot.

Beverly: Who would do such heinous acts?
Murray: [reading paper] Unbelievable.
Beverly: Going against our wishes and forging our distinguished signatures.
Adam: Distinguished? Dad just holds the pen and makes the pizza-delivery guy move the credit card slip.
Beverly: Oh, more sass from Mr. Sassafras over here.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Adam: I said I was sorry. Can't we just move on?
Beverly: Murray, did you hear that? The boy wants to move on.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Beverly: Thank you for always backing me up.
Adam: He's not backing you up. He's just peppering in the word "unbelievable."
Beverly: Your father and I are a united front. Tell him, Murray.
Murray: Unbelievable.
Beverly: Damn it, Murray!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March 18th, 1980-something, and like always, my dad was fighting with the VCR.
Murray: Damn it! I need my Night Court! It's the only thing that brings me joy.
Adam: What about your family?
Murray: I said what I said.
Adam: Why do you always smack everything?
Murray: Maybe it'll jar something loose.
Adam: [chuckles] You mean the delicate electronic components?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, my dad hated technology.
Murray: Soften my potato!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And technology hated him back.
Murray: I got a message for you! You're a piece of crap!
Murray: Stop skipping. Stop skipping. Stop skipping!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But nothing agitated him more than our dot matrix printer. He always had it out with that thing. No one loved capturing the rage more than me.
Murray: Ah! Damn printer! It's stuck again!
Adam: Once again, the mighty printer has bested its most intense rival, the lazy, dumb man.
Murray: Put your stupid camera down and help me!

Beverly: [laughs] It happened! Oh! [laughs] I brought the men in my life together!
Adam: So, you thought this was... good?
Beverly: It was [bleep] amazing!
Murray: This worked nice. So, I'll see you around chow time.
Beverly: Damn right you will. I'm inviting Ginzy and her bland family over so I can rub your camping love in their fat faces!
Adam: Wait, this isn't over?
Beverly: It's just beginning. I'm cooking up the fish you caught with a side of suck it, Ginzy!
Adam: Oh, no! The Kremps know fish! They'll expose our terrible lies!
Murray: Nah. All you gotta say when they ask you something is, "They were practically jumping into the boat."
Adam: Those are words that people say.
Murray: Those are words that people say.

Virginia: Oh, Beverly, it's such a rare occasion that you invite us all over for dinner.
Beverly: Nonsense, Ginzy. I'm sure we've had you over many times.
Charles: This is actually the farthest I've ever made it into your home.
Murray: You're always over here strapping on the old feedbag, Leroy.
Charles: It's Charles. And I've been your neighbor for 20 years.
Murray: [chuckling] I don't think so. Bring it to me again.
Charles: Charles.
Murray: Like the chew?
Chad: You mean the Charleston Chew?
Murray: Exactly. Quality bar. Hey, can I top off your tea, Charleston?

Virginia: You know, Beverly, what kind of fish is this?
Beverly: The finest lake fish. And unlike your lazy men, mine cleaned, boned, and filleted it for me.
Adam: Did we, now? Dad?
Murray: Yeah, they were practically jumping in the boat.
Charles: This is clearly a swordfish steak.
Murray: Jumping in the boat.
Virginia: That's a 1,000-pound ocean fish.
Murray: Oh-ho! In the boat!
Beverly: Please tell these people that this is not a giant saltwater animal.
Murray: Well, no, no, it's a brand-new fish. It's a, uh, lake swordfish.