Barry: Enough talk about God's fickle nature. My pathetic-nerd brother needs someone to show him how to pickle.
Coach Mellor: It's true. I forgot how pathetic and nerdy he is.
Adam: I don't really think that's the main takeaway here.
Barry: Look at his spindly arms and toothpick legs.
Coach Mellor: His concave chest and that doughy neck.
Coach Nick: And his flat feet and sickly posture.
Barry: Spin around, Adam. Show us how sad the back of your body is.
Adam: Yeah, my instinct is to say no.
Coach Mellor: You know what? Seeing this tragic excuse for the human form in its full non-glory is just the kick in the two-button polyester shorts I needed. I'm back, baby!
Barry: Whoo!
Coach Nick: And someone else is back, too. Hello, old friend. [whistle blows] Follow me to greatness, boys.

Beverly: I'm sorry, Murray. You said you didn't want a party, and I didn't listen.
Murray: I- It wasn't that. It was perfect.
Beverly: You liked it?
Murray: Yeah, all those people, everything you did for me, I loved it.
Beverly: Then why are you in here?
Murray: [sighing] Oh, geez. Oh. My dad never cared about my birthday, so... I tried not to care. But tonight, I realized how much I missed.
Beverly: Oh, Murray.
Murray: Nah, it's a good thing. I may have not had a great dad or a great childhood, but I have a great wife and a great life now.
Beverly: Well, you know what the best part about this whole thing is?
Murray: I saw hoagies down there.
Beverly: You're a whole year younger than you thought you were.
Murray: And even better, I get an extra year with you.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, the hottest trends were Jams, Wayfarer, Swatch watches, and acid-wash jeans. But at William Penn Academy, there was one item of colorful wool clothing that the biggest trendsetters were never without.
Adam: Is it just me, or does everyone but us have a letterman jacket?
Dave Kim: Speak for yourself, bro.
Adam: Did I miss the day they sell the clothes from the lost and found?
Dave Kim: We earned these. I lettered in badminton.
Emmy: Dive team.
Dan: Bass fishing.
Adam: Wow. This school's athletic department has really grown in the last few years.

Beverly: Murray's turning 51 and has forbidden me from exercising my greatest gift.
Pops: Pointing out when someone's put on a couple of pounds?
Beverly: I'm very perceptive. I can hear it over the phone. But no, it's planning elaborate, over-the-top birthday parties.

Adam: You were last my hope. Who am I supposed to turn to now?
Barry: Chill. I'll take you to my sports mentor, Coach Mellor.
Adam: But Coach Mellor disappeared to follow his dream to coach wrestling to adult men in the woods. We'll never find him.
Barry: And yet we will. I'll tell the police he robbed us at gunpoint. Then they'll have to find him for us.
Adam: Or we could just ask his brother.
Barry: Not as fun, but I guess.
Adam: Is that one of those pickles you threw at me earlier?
Barry: When you get to college, you'll learn the value of a pickle.

Pop-Pop: Here we go again, his highness bellyaching about his birthday.
Murray: What birthday? You never even gave me one.
Pop-Pop: La-di-da. Look who needs a birthday every year. Who are you, Colonel Sanders?
Murray: The chicken guy?
Pop-Pop: He was fancy, though, huh? I mean, who would wear a white suit around all those chickens?
Murray: Fine. The Colonel is a Southern dandy. But you never gave me a card or a cake or, God forbid, a present!
Pop-Pop: Well, who knows what kids want?
Murray: I told you every year!
Pop-Pop: Yeah, socks that you'd call your own.
Murray: No, a transistor radio to listen to a ball game!
Pop-Pop: Oh, boo-hoo. You know what you did get? A roof.
Murray: Oh, you spoiled me by letting me indoors.

Barry: Coach Mellor?
Coach Mellor: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Goldfarb boys.
Adam: You look...
Coach Mellor: Like an old, stinky dook left in your favorite running shoe, and you want to go for a run, but you can't, 'cause that hot steamer owns that shoe now.
Adam: I was gonna say "sad," but sure, I guess your dook-shoe story is more colorful.

Barry: What are you doing here? I thought you were at billionaire oddball John du Pont's Foxcatcher Farm.
Coach Mellor: I was, but those dark woods hid more secrets than I'm willing to admit. But I turned that "L" into a "W" by quitting coaching forever.
Barry: But you were the one who always said winners never quit.
Adam: And you said the only cure for broken bones is jumping jacks, which is medically wrong, but inspiring, I guess.
Coach Mellor: Sorry, boys, but I've hung up my whistle... there. [whistle blows]

Barry: But it's a sports emergency!
Adam: It's true. Without you, I won't get into the one school that guarantees future success... Film school.
Coach Mellor: You know, I've spent so much time around jacked men pushing physical and societal limits that I forgot the charming whine of a little boy.
Adam: Is that a yes?
Coach Mellor: Far from it. I'm no coach. Look at me. I'm a mess. I've gained two pounds.
Coach Nick: Told you not to eat that 17th almond.
Coach Mellor: See that? No self-control. Whatever your thing is... I can't help you, boys. I'm sorry.

Adam: Wait, Coach, is that you?
Coach Mellor: Yeah, that's me. Were my delts really that jacked?
Coach Nick: Damn it, Rick, leave pickleball in the past, where it belongs.
Coach Mellor: You're just mad 'cause I was a better P-Baller than you were.
Coach Nick: Of course I am. I was an All-American football player, but God didn't grace me with the delicate wrists to wield that mighty paddle.