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‘Pickleball’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Goldbergs: Pickleball

711. Pickleball

Aired January 15, 2020

When Beverly learns that Murray is actually a year younger than everyone thought, she takes the opportunity to throw him another 50th birthday party. Meanwhile, Adam joins the pickleball team so he can get a letterman jacket like all his classmates.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: Enough talk about God's fickle nature. My pathetic-nerd brother needs someone to show him how to pickle.
Coach Mellor: It's true. I forgot how pathetic and nerdy he is.
Adam: I don't really think that's the main takeaway here.
Barry: Look at his spindly arms and toothpick legs.
Coach Mellor: His concave chest and that doughy neck.
Coach Nick: And his flat feet and sickly posture.
Barry: Spin around, Adam. Show us how sad the back of your body is.
Adam: Yeah, my instinct is to say no.
Coach Mellor: You know what? Seeing this tragic excuse for the human form in its full non-glory is just the kick in the two-button polyester shorts I needed. I'm back, baby!
Barry: Whoo!
Coach Nick: And someone else is back, too. Hello, old friend. [whistle blows] Follow me to greatness, boys.

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Quote from Murray

Beverly: I'm sorry, Murray. You said you didn't want a party, and I didn't listen.
Murray: I- It wasn't that. It was perfect.
Beverly: You liked it?
Murray: Yeah, all those people, everything you did for me, I loved it.
Beverly: Then why are you in here?
Murray: [sighing] Oh, geez. Oh. My dad never cared about my birthday, so... I tried not to care. But tonight, I realized how much I missed.
Beverly: Oh, Murray.
Murray: Nah, it's a good thing. I may have not had a great dad or a great childhood, but I have a great wife and a great life now.
Beverly: Well, you know what the best part about this whole thing is?
Murray: I saw hoagies down there.
Beverly: You're a whole year younger than you thought you were.
Murray: And even better, I get an extra year with you.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, the hottest trends were Jams, Wayfarer, Swatch watches, and acid-wash jeans. But at William Penn Academy, there was one item of colorful wool clothing that the biggest trendsetters were never without.
Adam: Is it just me, or does everyone but us have a letterman jacket?
Dave Kim: Speak for yourself, bro.
Adam: Did I miss the day they sell the clothes from the lost and found?
Dave Kim: We earned these. I lettered in badminton.
Emmy: Dive team.
Dan: Bass fishing.
Adam: Wow. This school's athletic department has really grown in the last few years.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Murray's turning 51 and has forbidden me from exercising my greatest gift.
Pops: Pointing out when someone's put on a couple of pounds?
Beverly: I'm very perceptive. I can hear it over the phone. But no, it's planning elaborate, over-the-top birthday parties.

Quote from Barry

Adam: You were last my hope. Who am I supposed to turn to now?
Barry: Chill. I'll take you to my sports mentor, Coach Mellor.
Adam: But Coach Mellor disappeared to follow his dream to coach wrestling to adult men in the woods. We'll never find him.
Barry: And yet we will. I'll tell the police he robbed us at gunpoint. Then they'll have to find him for us.
Adam: Or we could just ask his brother.
Barry: Not as fun, but I guess.
Adam: Is that one of those pickles you threw at me earlier?
Barry: When you get to college, you'll learn the value of a pickle.

Quote from Murray

Pop-Pop: Here we go again, his highness bellyaching about his birthday.
Murray: What birthday? You never even gave me one.
Pop-Pop: La-di-da. Look who needs a birthday every year. Who are you, Colonel Sanders?
Murray: The chicken guy?
Pop-Pop: He was fancy, though, huh? I mean, who would wear a white suit around all those chickens?
Murray: Fine. The Colonel is a Southern dandy. But you never gave me a card or a cake or, God forbid, a present!
Pop-Pop: Well, who knows what kids want?
Murray: I told you every year!
Pop-Pop: Yeah, socks that you'd call your own.
Murray: No, a transistor radio to listen to a ball game!
Pop-Pop: Oh, boo-hoo. You know what you did get? A roof.
Murray: Oh, you spoiled me by letting me indoors.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: Coach Mellor?
Coach Mellor: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Goldfarb boys.
Adam: You look...
Coach Mellor: Like an old, stinky dook left in your favorite running shoe, and you want to go for a run, but you can't, 'cause that hot steamer owns that shoe now.
Adam: I was gonna say "sad," but sure, I guess your dook-shoe story is more colorful.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: What are you doing here? I thought you were at billionaire oddball John du Pont's Foxcatcher Farm.
Coach Mellor: I was, but those dark woods hid more secrets than I'm willing to admit. But I turned that "L" into a "W" by quitting coaching forever.
Barry: But you were the one who always said winners never quit.
Adam: And you said the only cure for broken bones is jumping jacks, which is medically wrong, but inspiring, I guess.
Coach Mellor: Sorry, boys, but I've hung up my whistle... there. [whistle blows]

Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: But it's a sports emergency!
Adam: It's true. Without you, I won't get into the one school that guarantees future success... Film school.
Coach Mellor: You know, I've spent so much time around jacked men pushing physical and societal limits that I forgot the charming whine of a little boy.
Adam: Is that a yes?
Coach Mellor: Far from it. I'm no coach. Look at me. I'm a mess. I've gained two pounds.
Coach Nick: Told you not to eat that 17th almond.
Coach Mellor: See that? No self-control. Whatever your thing is... I can't help you, boys. I'm sorry.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Adam: Wait, Coach, is that you?
Coach Mellor: Yeah, that's me. Were my delts really that jacked?
Coach Nick: Damn it, Rick, leave pickleball in the past, where it belongs.
Coach Mellor: You're just mad 'cause I was a better P-Baller than you were.
Coach Nick: Of course I am. I was an All-American football player, but God didn't grace me with the delicate wrists to wield that mighty paddle.

Quote from Beverly

Erica: Please. You just want a redo of his last 50th birthday.
Beverly: Okay. Let's get pitching. All right. What does Murray Goldberg like? [silence] Hmm. [clicks tongue] Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? There are no bad ideas.
Virginia: Cheese?
Linda: I'm also in a cheese area.
Essie: Did somebody already say cheese?
Vic: The man does love cheese.
Geoff: Now we're cooking with gas.
Beverly: Okay, enough with cheese. He likes other things.

Quote from Beverly

Pops: Bevy, maybe we should get the ball rolling with things he doesn't like. There's a lot of those. I'll start. People.
Linda: Dancing.
Vic: The Dallas Cowboys.
Virginia: Neighbors who wave to him.
Essie: Loud music.
Geoff: Loud birds.
Linda: Quiet birds.
Pops: Doctors who advertise.
Vic: My nephew, Darrin, for some reason I can't understand.
Erica: Parties, which again begs the question, why are we doing this?
Geoff: Mrs. Kremp, uh, what did you say after Vic said Cowboys?
Beverly: Okay, this has obviously been a huge waste of time.
Vic: Oh, I know! Firemen acting like big shots.
Beverly: We're done, Vic. Thanks for nothing. Now, I need you all to get the [bleep] out of my house. But come back in three hours, and don't bring any birds or Darrin.
Vic: He spells it with an "I."

Quote from Coach Mellor

Barry: So dense.
Coach Mellor: That's the beets and pears and bananas and a second type of beet.
Adam: Oh, yeah, that's what I'm tasting.
Coach Mellor: Nah, you're tasting the brewer's yeast.
Barry: Oh! [spits]

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Pretzels and milk, anyone? It's Mr. Goldberg's favorite snackable drink.
Erica: My dad likes it for some reason.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, that day on the pickleball court, Matt Schernecke sliced and served me up hard.
Principal Ball: Okay, it's 20-1. I think it's safe to call it. Terrible effort, Goldberg.
Matt Scherneke: Yes! I'm still the worst. Oh.
Adam: Damn it! Now I'll never get into film school.
Principal Ball: I just say that to get folks interested in joining the team. Your future as a filmmaker still may or may not happen.
Barry: [sighs] That was hard to watch.
Adam: So, this was all for nothing?
Coach Mellor: Not nothing. You proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not a coach anymore. I'm just a man. A man who has to go to a special gym to find heavy enough weights to lift. But still just a man.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Adam: What are you doing?
Coach Mellor: Just sodding over a beautiful pickleball court. Thinking about putting some azaleas right there, maybe a lovely crushed-stone path where you're standing. So long forever, my special pickle.
Adam: I know this is a big blow, but this yard is gonna be a charming outdoor area for entertaining.
Coach Mellor: Just say your piece.
Adam: I wanted to stop by and say thanks.
Coach Mellor: Thanks for what? You didn't make the team.
Adam: Yeah. But you never gave up on me. I- I know you don't feel like a coach, but I still think you're one of the best.
Coach Mellor: Yeah. Truth be told, it was kinda nice getting out there.
Adam: Well, you should know, letterman jacket or not, you've always inspired me. And you'll always be my coach.
Coach Mellor: Damn it, Goldberg, you know absolutely nothing about physical fitness, but you always seem to be able to give my heart a workout. [hands Adam a letterman jacket]
Adam: W- What's this for?
Coach Mellor: Well, as far as I'm concerned, you'll always be first string on the team of life.
Adam: [chuckles] That's not a thing.
Coach Mellor: Just put it on. Now, bring it in for a standing dog pile.

Quote from Pops

Beverly: Which is why we're just having a stupid family dinner and I'm presenting him with this tiny scrapbook.
Pops: "Murray Goldberg... Husband, Father, President of our United Hearts Volume 18"?
Beverly: Well, a legacy this rich can't be contained in one volume.
Pops: The man has two shirts. I think it can be done. Where'd you get all this stuff, anyway?
Beverly: His dad gave me a box of old memories.
Pops: Grumpy Ben? I thought he hated memories and Murray and boxes.
Beverly: Yeah, he's not great.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: Yep, I'm a jock now, and I get all the sweet benefits that come with it. Hello, my romantic equal.
Cheerleader: Die, dork.
Dave Kim: And the dance begins.

Quote from Adam

Adam: Well, it's not like I need a stupid varsity letter to get into film school.
Principal Ball: Au contraire.
Adam: [gasps] Balls!
Principal Ball: And balls may be exactly what you need, Mr. Goldberg. You need to round out your personal journey with some athletic challenges.
Adam: But people who make movies don't care about sports.
Principal Ball: Not true. Alfred Hitchcock... Star tailback. Ron Howard... Decathlete. Ridley Scott... Hockey goon.
Adam: That all seems super wrong. But are you saying if I don't get a varsity letter, I won't get into film school?
Principal Ball: I'm not not saying that. Luckily, I'm heading up a revival of a storied William Penn athletic institution.

Quote from Adam

Principal Ball: Pickleball! The sport of kings! This is William Penn's last championship pickleball team. Anyone look familiar?
Adam: Is that Vidal Sassoon?
Principal Ball: That's me... Earl "Mr. March" Ball. March was the month for the tri-state pickleball finals, hence the sobriquet.
Adam: I mostly follow. Nice hair. What happened?
Principal Ball: Time. She's a cruel thief. She took my golden locks but also my precious pickleball from the fore of mainstream sports.
Adam: Come on. Pickleball was never a thing.
Principal Ball: How dare you? It swept the nation!
Adam: You seem fired up for some reason, so I'll match your emotion. Let's do this giant ping-pong thing!
Principal Ball: That's the spirit!

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