Erica: Daddy, I need a new car.
Murray: I don't know you. I'll swear to it in a court of law.
Erica: Fine. But then I need $500 to fix the old one.
Murray: $500? What do you think, I'm Wink Martindale?
Erica: Is Wink Martindale famously rich?
Murray: That smiling bastard has crazy Tic-Tac-Dough money.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] So, easily stepping into the shoes of bad cop, my dad went to school and laid down the law. That day, my father explained all the reasons why college was the only thing that mattered to him in life.
Murray: And in conclusion... moron!
Mr. Perott: Okay, I get it. You're angry.
Murray: I didn't work my whole life so my son wouldn't go to college.
Mr. Perott: Mr. Goldberg, what did you work your whole life for, huh? When was the last time you saw a sunset or drank fresh rainwater from the sky, or went to Portugal, huh?
Murray: Portugal? Who the hell's got time for Portugal?
Mr. Perott: Look, Mr. Goldberg, I did not tell your son not to go to college. I just told him he had options, and maybe it would do him good to see the world.
Murray: He can do that later.
Mr. Perott: When? Have you done that? Or have you been, uh, as you put it, "Working your whole life"?

Beverly: I don't understand. We were so good together.
Adam: Love is a battlefield.
Beverly: What did you do to drive our girl away?
Adam: Maybe I wasn't listening enough?
Beverly: Oh, nobody splits up because of that. Your father hasn't listened to me in 20 years. Right, Murray?
Murray: Yeah, uh, tater tots. Two bags.

Murray: Could you guys be quiet? I'm trying to watch M.A.S.H. They say it's a comedy, so I-I guess it is.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Since I wasn't going to my real prom, I sought comfort in some prom-themed entertainment.
Murray: Why are there a bunch of people on my screen and none of them are Cagney and Lacey?
Adam: Because it's Pretty in Pink.
Murray: There's a crime. Look at that kid's dumb hair.
Adam: That's Duckie. He doesn't end up with the girl, either.
Murray: So, why doesn't Dookie fight for the girl?
Adam: Because she clearly wants to be with Blane.
Murray: So, you want to be like Blaze, but you're more like Duffy?
Adam: It's Blane and Duckie. But yeah.

Murray: What the hell's going on? I've been waiting in the car for 16 minutes.
Beverly: Murray, the flight doesn't leave for six hours.
Adam: We're not even in the air half that long.
Murray: Thank you, Amilio Airhead. Have you taken into consideration the traffic, the parking, the shuttle?
Adam: I guess not.
Murray: That's the smartest thing you've ever said. I'll be waiting in the car.

Murray: Wait, you got us tickets on Oceanic?
Beverly: Yes, Murray. You told me to get the cheapest.
Murray: Yeah, I meant with yogurt, not taking a flying go-kart to your cousin's thing.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my mom realized her kids were out of control, I was trying to take control of my social life.
Adam: Thanks for coming. How are the refreshments?
Dave Kim: He took my Capri Sun.
JC Spink: Only to wash down your cookie.
Dave Kim: Why are we here?
Murray: I was about to ask the same thing.
Adam: There are like ten other rooms in this house, Dad. You can go anytime.
Murray: You called my bluff.

Adam: We're here to find common ground between all my friends. JC, you're the epitome of cool.
JC Spink: It's obvious, but I do like to hear it out loud.
Adam: A-And, Dave Kim, you're the epitome of...
Dave Kim: What? Say it.
Murray: I'll say it. Loser. Putz. Schmuck. Dork. Doof. Dink. Schmo. Dingus. Goober.
Adam: We get it, Don Rickles.
Murray: Dorf.

Murray: What's all this?
Adam: For some reason, Mom's running for city comptroller.
Murray: That's real?
Beverly: I'm excited, too! Oh, remember how I was saying I needed to start a new chapter in my life?
Murray: I vaguely remember dozing off to those words.
Beverly: This is it! I'm in politics now!
Murray: Oh, good for you. Do me a favor. Just keep it down, 'cause I'm having trouble following The Fall Guy.
Beverly: Aah! His enthusiasm is electric!