Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, America got in shape, and that meant getting fit and eating right. So every chef started becoming health-conscious, except Chef Beverly Goldberg.
Beverly: For my growing schmoopaloo, my famous lasagna burger bomb.
Adam: Wow! I can't believe no one's ever thought to use lasagna as a bun before.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She was always inventing new caloric cuisine.
Beverly: For Pops, my triple-meat ziti surprise.
Pops: And the surprise is, the lamb really brings out the beef and chicken.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But that was nothing compared to what she made my dad.
Beverly: And for my handsome man of the house, salad made just the way you like it... A deli tray of cold cuts and cheeses, zero veggies, served in a bowl of buttermilk ranch.
Murray: You see? Salads don't have to be boring.
Adam: That is, by definition, not a salad. Words have meaning!

Pops: Bevy, who was that?
Beverly: Destiny.
Pops: How the hell did she get this number?

Beverly: Schmoo, feast your delicious boy eyes on 400 pages of scrumptious family history.
Adam: Wow, this has... So many words. Most not about food. And who is that sturdy fella?
Beverly: That's your great-aunt Esther.
Adam: Why two eye patches?
Beverly: This is a funny story. Uh, she was dragged by a horse through the town.
Adam: That is funny.
Beverly: [laughing] Until the reins finally got stuck in a tree branch, and the horse fell on top of her. [chuckles] So, of course, they shot it.
Adam: And why would you put that in a book about food?
Beverly: Because the next day, she made a delicious horse stew. I changed it to lamb because some people can be stuffy.
Adam: And she must've had to make a lot since she had 14 kids.
Beverly: No, no. As I indicated here next to the ingredients, uh, only six of them lived. [Adam exhales sharply] Disease, war, winter, famine. Seven of them were just stomped to death.

Beverly: I cooked you in my lady kitchen. You were my greatest dish, and this is how you treat me?
Adam: I wasn't really thinking about your lady kitchen when I was reading your lousy book.
Beverly: [gasps] Gasp of gasps! I have clearly failed as a mother!
Adam: And as a cookbook author.
Beverly: I just want you to know that what you have done to me is worse than any horse stomp. Because I still have eyes to see how my beautiful boy betrayed me.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She hated the sandwich, so I tried one more slice of bread.
Adam: But... you did it, girl?

Erica: Cheggit. My mom sent me one of her famous honey salt pies.
Geoff: Ooh, smells delish. Let me rip into a slice.
Erica: It's funny that you say "rip," because this recipe actually comes from my great-great-uncle Harold. Every limb of his body was ripped off by an amateur circus bear.
Geoff: Oh, my God, what?
Erica: Yeah, but don't worry. The bear didn't kill him. He just left him as a stump and a head.
Geoff: And that's good?
Erica: Well, not for what comes next. He was on top of a hill, and lost control of his crude homemade body wagon, and he was thrown 100 feet into a nearby river, and bobbed for six miles. Luckily, another bear came and finished him off.
Geoff: Two bears? That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard!
Erica: Yeah, it's not great. But bears like honey, so grab yourself a fork.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, my mom's cookbook chronicled some of the least-healthy recipes known to man. Strangely, no publishers wanted it.
Beverly: These rejection letters are so hurtful and specific. "A dietary Vietnam"? "Pure poison"? "A culinary kick to the crotch!"
Pops: On the bright side, getting mail is fun.
Beverly: And these are from the crappy, independent publishers that make nonsense like textbooks and Bibles for children.

Murray: [answers phone] Talk fast, I got a flip-flopped cake coming my way. Cookbook publisher? We don't need any books! We're a TV household!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was December 4th, 1980-something. Barry and Erica were college roommates, and it was amazing... How little they got along.
Erica: You are an idiot! And I'm talking medically.
Barry: How dare you? I'm pre-med. I'd be the first to know if I was an idiot.
Erica: Then where are the car keys? 'Cause they're supposed to be on that hook right there.
Barry: Oh, you mean my back-scratchin' hook? Works better when the keys don't rip up my shoulder meat. [sighs] There you go. You did it, Hooky. You did it.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, they'd lived together their whole lives, but sharing a dorm room was a whole different story.
Barry: Did you eat my ramen?
Erica: Yeah. I didn't want to walk to the caf, so I snagged one of your hot and spicy beefs.
Barry: But that's my feast from the East!
Erica: And you should probably know that I also drained your last Mountain Dew.
Barry: My morning Dew? That's how I rev up for the day! Do you have any respect for society's norms?

Barry: Whoa! JTP, you do not have to listen to her.
Matt: Actually, Tasty, we do. It's the law of older siblings... They get the final say on everything.
Barry: That's not a law. I would know. Could've been the son of a lawyer.