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‘The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook: Part 2’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

The Goldbergs: The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook: Part 2

709. The Beverly Goldberg Cookbook: Part 2

Aired December 4, 2019

Beverly enlists Adam's help after a publisher shows an interest in her cookbook. Meanwhile, Barry and Erica need Geoff to keep the peace between them as living together starts to grate.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, America got in shape, and that meant getting fit and eating right. So every chef started becoming health-conscious, except Chef Beverly Goldberg.
Beverly: For my growing schmoopaloo, my famous lasagna burger bomb.
Adam: Wow! I can't believe no one's ever thought to use lasagna as a bun before.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She was always inventing new caloric cuisine.
Beverly: For Pops, my triple-meat ziti surprise.
Pops: And the surprise is, the lamb really brings out the beef and chicken.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But that was nothing compared to what she made my dad.
Beverly: And for my handsome man of the house, salad made just the way you like it... A deli tray of cold cuts and cheeses, zero veggies, served in a bowl of buttermilk ranch.
Murray: You see? Salads don't have to be boring.
Adam: That is, by definition, not a salad. Words have meaning!

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Quote from Pops

Pops: Bevy, who was that?
Beverly: Destiny.
Pops: How the hell did she get this number?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Schmoo, feast your delicious boy eyes on 400 pages of scrumptious family history.
Adam: Wow, this has... So many words. Most not about food. And who is that sturdy fella?
Beverly: That's your great-aunt Esther.
Adam: Why two eye patches?
Beverly: This is a funny story. Uh, she was dragged by a horse through the town.
Adam: That is funny.
Beverly: [laughing] Until the reins finally got stuck in a tree branch, and the horse fell on top of her. [chuckles] So, of course, they shot it.
Adam: And why would you put that in a book about food?
Beverly: Because the next day, she made a delicious horse stew. I changed it to lamb because some people can be stuffy.
Adam: And she must've had to make a lot since she had 14 kids.
Beverly: No, no. As I indicated here next to the ingredients, uh, only six of them lived. [Adam exhales sharply] Disease, war, winter, famine. Seven of them were just stomped to death.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I cooked you in my lady kitchen. You were my greatest dish, and this is how you treat me?
Adam: I wasn't really thinking about your lady kitchen when I was reading your lousy book.
Beverly: [gasps] Gasp of gasps! I have clearly failed as a mother!
Adam: And as a cookbook author.
Beverly: I just want you to know that what you have done to me is worse than any horse stomp. Because I still have eyes to see how my beautiful boy betrayed me.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] She hated the sandwich, so I tried one more slice of bread.
Adam: But... you did it, girl?

Quote from Erica

Erica: Cheggit. My mom sent me one of her famous honey salt pies.
Geoff: Ooh, smells delish. Let me rip into a slice.
Erica: It's funny that you say "rip," because this recipe actually comes from my great-great-uncle Harold. Every limb of his body was ripped off by an amateur circus bear.
Geoff: Oh, my God, what?
Erica: Yeah, but don't worry. The bear didn't kill him. He just left him as a stump and a head.
Geoff: And that's good?
Erica: Well, not for what comes next. He was on top of a hill, and lost control of his crude homemade body wagon, and he was thrown 100 feet into a nearby river, and bobbed for six miles. Luckily, another bear came and finished him off.
Geoff: Two bears? That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard!
Erica: Yeah, it's not great. But bears like honey, so grab yourself a fork.

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yeah, my mom's cookbook chronicled some of the least-healthy recipes known to man. Strangely, no publishers wanted it.
Beverly: These rejection letters are so hurtful and specific. "A dietary Vietnam"? "Pure poison"? "A culinary kick to the crotch!"
Pops: On the bright side, getting mail is fun.
Beverly: And these are from the crappy, independent publishers that make nonsense like textbooks and Bibles for children.

Quote from Murray

Murray: [answers phone] Talk fast, I got a flip-flopped cake coming my way. Cookbook publisher? We don't need any books! We're a TV household!

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was December 4th, 1980-something. Barry and Erica were college roommates, and it was amazing... How little they got along.
Erica: You are an idiot! And I'm talking medically.
Barry: How dare you? I'm pre-med. I'd be the first to know if I was an idiot.
Erica: Then where are the car keys? 'Cause they're supposed to be on that hook right there.
Barry: Oh, you mean my back-scratchin' hook? Works better when the keys don't rip up my shoulder meat. [sighs] There you go. You did it, Hooky. You did it.

Quote from Barry

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, they'd lived together their whole lives, but sharing a dorm room was a whole different story.
Barry: Did you eat my ramen?
Erica: Yeah. I didn't want to walk to the caf, so I snagged one of your hot and spicy beefs.
Barry: But that's my feast from the East!
Erica: And you should probably know that I also drained your last Mountain Dew.
Barry: My morning Dew? That's how I rev up for the day! Do you have any respect for society's norms?

Quote from Barry

Barry: Whoa! JTP, you do not have to listen to her.
Matt: Actually, Tasty, we do. It's the law of older siblings... They get the final say on everything.
Barry: That's not a law. I would know. Could've been the son of a lawyer.

Quote from Andy

Naked Rob: It is. Thanks to my older bro, I'm always the one who dealt it, regardless of who smelt it.
Andy: And my older sister decided to take my room. So now I sleep on the couch.
Geoff: Why not take her old room?
Andy: And have her take it back? [chuckling] No. I'm not jumping on that carousel.

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Don't worry, Bar. I'm staying.
Barry: A man of courage.
Geoff: Oh, you misread that. I-I'm not here for you. I-I get to stay because it's Erica's will.
Barry: This is not fair! We're both freshmen! We're technically equals!
Geoff: He does have a point, angelface.
Erica: Whoa, whoa, whose side are you on, Schwartz?
Geoff: Sorry, Big Tasty. Erica's threatening tone was new information.

Quote from Adam

Adam: And you put that right here in a book about food. So, you clearly know what you're doing.
Beverly: Would you mind reading the whole thing, and telling me what you think before I send it in?
Adam: I think I get it. A horse drags a lady, pancake dippers, a cousin gets stomped. You got yourself a winner, lady.

Quote from Barry

Geoff: Guys, no punching... Asleep or otherwise. In here, you'll find clear instructions on how to share everything. Like the mini-fridge.
Barry: No way. I promised my perishables a safe haven.
Erica: You put your sheets in there.
Barry: You know I run hot!
Erica: It's the dead of winter, barfbag! You should really get your circulation checked.
Barry: Already did. It's a trouble area, like you.

Quote from Adam

Beverly: There he is!
Adam: Gah! Were you just waiting for me at the door?
Beverly: Well, yes, but only for hours. Now, tell me, tell me, tell me how much you loved it. I'll start you off. "It was perfect."
Adam: I-I hear people saying that... Like you, right now. [Beverly chuckles] And I also want to add... You did it, girl.
Beverly: Yeah, well, what about my writing, my stories? Were they everything you thought, and more?
Adam: Oh, so much more. You did it, girl!
Beverly: You said that already. Get to it.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Well, I had given her the top slice of bread. I guess it was time for the meat.
Adam: I hated it hard. Change every word.
Beverly: Excuse me?
Adam: But wait, before you get upset... [stammers] You did it, girl.
Beverly: What are you saying to me?
Adam: Oh, balls! My sandwich sucked!

Quote from Naked Rob

Matt: Actually, I need to be at the Gap early anyway to add a new level to the jean wall.
Naked Rob: And if I don't get 12 to 14 hours of shut-eye, I am a wreck.
Andy: I think you're struggling with seasonal depression, bro.
Naked Rob: For sure.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Fine. You want the room? Then I get the car tomorrow.
Barry: What? It's my car day! I was gonna do fishtails in the ShopRite parking lot! Geoff-er-ee, throw a flag.
Geoff: Again, my fault for assuming you two would demonstrate the most basic courtesy to each other.
Barry: Fine! Take the car. I'm taking the computer.
Erica: Uh-uh! I have a paper due tomorrow!
Barry: That you're gonna have to write by hand.
Erica: No! Geoff, do something.
Geoff: Bar, the computer's supposed to be for doing actual work, not to hug vindictively so as to prevent someone else from using it.
Barry: Well, you never specified that.
Geoff: He got me. I never explicitly said "no computer cuddling."

Quote from Pops

Murray: Hey! We're watching The Equalizer.
Pops: Now we'll never know if things were equalized!

Quote from Beverly

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And read they did... Page after page of dour tales and unappetizing family history. My mom couldn't wait to hear what they had to say.
Beverly: Stunned silence is always a good sign. But I need to hear how much you liked it.
Murray: I liked the part where it ended.
Beverly: Oh, poo, you're just being an old grump. Dad?
Pops: There's no place for an amputation story in a chicken piccata recipe.
Beverly: Oh, no. Was Adam right? Maybe he's not a teenage butt stain.
Murray: That sounds right. Now, if you just scooch to your left and then crouch down really tiny, we're back in business.

Quote from Adam

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My mom finally got that her cookbook wasn't great, so she brought me an apology that was.
Beverly: Schmoopy, I made your favorite... Ooey-gooey marshmallow cookie bars.
Adam: Wait, you made me cookie bars after I told you your life's work was a smelly garbage fire?
Beverly: You never said those words.
Adam: Out loud.

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