Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Geoff was always there for my brother, Mr. Glascott was just... [Beverly sighs] always there.
Beverly: It's almost 5:00. Did you stay late after school?
Adam: Nope, we carpooled and took the scenic route home.
Mr. Glascott: I had a very fascinating dream last night, so I took a few extra turns so that I could tell Adam all the details.
Adam: We drove to Paramus and back.
Mr. Glascott: My brain is very active when I sleep. They say it's a sign of genius. [chuckles] Or madness. But we know which one, right? [chuckles]
Adam: I'm pretty clear on it.

Linda Schwartz: I liked the plot of this one.
Beverly: Me too. One thing happened, then another, then another. And it kept going that way until the end.
Virginia Kremp: And how about the description of that lifeguard? I could almost smell the suntan oil on his abs.
Essie Karp: It's like mouth-to-mouth, and then maybe a little body-to-body.
Mr. Glascott: Essie, did you even read the book?
Essie Karp: I'm sorry?
Mr. Glascott: You should be. What terrible choice did the lifeguard make?
Beverly: Ooh, I remember. He bought some swimming trunks that were way too small.
Virginia Kremp: [chuckles] [whispers] Very tight.
Mr. Glascott: He watched a man drown and did nothing. What's the point of having a book club if you're not gonna read the book?
Beverly: We usually have wine.
Mr. Glascott: Well, it's a good thing that I'm here. I'm gonna get some pens and some paper.
Linda Schwartz: To jot down our grievances with your tone and manner?
Mr. Glascott: No, so we can have an in-class essay, and I want all of your eyes on your own paper. I'm looking at you, Essie.

Mr. Glascott: Hello, Beverly.
Beverly: John? You're, um... You're all wet! [chuckles]
Mr. Glascott: Woodburn's homemade canoe wasn't seaworthy. We hit some rapids, and it broke apart.
Beverly: Oh, no.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, yeah. We were at the mercy of the current, gasping for air as we bounced between rocks and other boaters. And they all just laughed at us. Canoeists are not a good people.
Beverly: I'm so sorry.
Mr. Glascott: For what? For the hour that I spent clinging to a branch so that I wouldn't go over a waterfall? Or for the fact that you threw a barbecue without me?
Beverly: Oh, this? What? No, no. Murray just decided to throw an impromptu meat-fest. You know, he's so fun and spontaneous.
Mr. Glascott: He is famously none of those things. You pawned me off so you didn't have to invite me.
Beverly: We have been spending a lot of time...
Mr. Glascott: I get it. Too much John. Well, guess what? You don't get any John! Except if you have another John in your social orbit. I mean, it is quite the common name! [sobs]

Beverly: So... [chuckles] How are things?
Mr. Glascott: Well, things are fine... Oh, how dare you? Trying to lure me in with a classic conversation starter.
Beverly: About the barbecue...
Mr. Glascott: Stop. If you're feeling guilty, don't. I don't need your friendship. [chuckles] I'm aces, baby!
Feather Locklear: [squawks] I'm so lonely. [squawks] I'm so lonely.
Mr. Glascott: But my bird, on the other hand... Relax, girl. You'll find someone.
Beverly: It's clear the bird is just repeating something you said.
Mr. Glascott: Parrots don't do that.
Beverly: Of course they do. It's called "parroting."
Feather Locklear: [squawks] I'm so lonely.
Mr. Glascott: Nap time. [pulls cover over birdcage] [sighs] She just loves to [bleep] with me.

Mr. Glascott: I come bearing a seasonal candle, neighbor.
Beverly: I've been cheated on!
Mr. Glascott: Exodus 20:14, no!

Mr. Glascott: I brought a candle. I see that it's unlit in the corner and someone's placed some mail on top of it, but that's fine.

Beverly: We're here. Linda, I have to say, I am so glad you are hosting this year. Also, Murray will not be able to attend. Something about Thanksgiving being yesterday.
Mr. Glascott: Yep. Bev's bird did me in, too. I slept for 12 hours last night, instead of my usual 11.

Mr. Glascott: I love your Fame idea.
Beverly: Really?
Mr. Glascott: Yes. I'm a Fame-a-holic. I've seen it 19 times. The ticket guy at the theater thinks I'm mentally unstable.
Beverly: Well, you know, they have it on VHS, John.
Mr. Glascott: I was an early adopter of the Sony format Betamax. Its retail failure was also my own.
Beverly: Then why'd you double down and say my idea was terrible?
Mr. Glascott: Peer pressure and outie belly buttons are my greatest fears. But you don't know how many school musicals I've sat through, silently longing to be up there under those hot lights myself.
Beverly: Then, baby, they'll remember your name.
Mr. Glascott: That's from the movie! [both laugh]

Mr. Glascott: Harrowing news, everyone. I was minding my business in the east hallway washroom, and I overheard a sinister plot. The seniors are going to, quote, "rag on those goofy teachers until they cry."
Mr. Perott: No way.
Mr. Glascott: Yes, way. Brian Corbett and Brian Walls are gonna tear us apart.
Mr. Woodburn: The Brians? So popular and catty.
Mr. Glascott: Oh, and it wasn't just them. There was a stream of pupils entering and exiting, each one more mocking than the next. Jason B., Xavier M., Rodney R., Jason B. again.
Beverly: All of those people came in and out while you were in the bathroom?
Mr. Glascott: Yes. We are lambs for the slaughter.
Beverly: I'm just concerned about how long you were in the bathroom.
Mr. Perott: You went before we even broke for lunch.
Helen: I thought he left for the day.
Mr. Glascott: We all have our own ways of managing pre-show jitters.
Coach Nick: I hope you at least brought a book.
Mr. Glascott: Focus, people. We're in real trouble here. We can't sing or dance, and look at these form-fitting costumes.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, everyone was getting physical. Walks were powered, bodies were Jaked, and Richard Simmons made sure oldies were sweated to. No one liked moving their body more than my mom.
Beverly: [gasps] Thank you, Richard Simmons. Your naggy nudginess continues to challenge and inspire.
Mr. Glascott: Is it weird that it's his job to constantly work out, but yet his body looks like mine after Thanksgiving?
Beverly: He is ripped and shredded with enthusiasm.
Mr. Glascott: You're just defending him because you share the same tank-top glitter-er.
Beverly: I wish. All my sparkle comes from these hands.
Mr. Glascott: And that smile. [chuckles] I have an adult friend!