Adam: Uh, Coach, quick sidebar?
Coach Mellor: First of all, son, you got to take off the comedy glasses. We're not in clown school.
Adam: Sadly, these are not for hilarity, just to fix a lazy eye. On that note, I was thinking maybe Barry and I can be on the same team?
Coach Mellor: Or you can finally cast off your self-doubt and those orthopedic glasses and make your big bro suck it on the court of life.
Adam: Solid plan. However, my mom really wants us on the same team to avoid further damage to my growing body.
Coach Mellor: Son, the only reason Barry pummels you is because you let him. You got to to stop running and unleash the beast inside. And don't just do it for you. Do it for all the picked-on, little-dorkus brothers who cry "No more!" Now, are you gonna stand up and be a man or are you gonna cower behind your mommy?
[cut to:]
Beverly: You're pitting my babies against each other on purpose?! Unacceptable!
Adam: [whispering] I'm so sorry.

Beverly: I put up with your macho attitude, but when it affects my family, we got big problems.
Coach Mellor: All right, here's the deal. I, too, had a bully for an older brother, and, much like Adam, I never stood up to him. I was just too afraid.
Beverly: You, afraid?
Coach Mellor: You don't know Nick Mellor. When we were kids, he beat me at everything: football, powerlifting, Greco-Roman wrestling, riflery, downhill running, kites.
Beverly: Well, you're grown men now. Things change.
Coach Mellor: Well, not for us. Nick's the defensive coordinator at Villanova. And me? I'm just a glorified activities advisor with chicken-cutlet thighs.
Beverly: Stop. Your thighs are very large. Everyone says so.
Coach Mellor: The truth is, maybe if I'd stood up to Nick when we were younger I'd be a college coach and he'd be the one drying out these moldy old balls.

Coach Nick: Yo! Coach Rick!
Coach Mellor: Coach Nick.
Coach Nick: We need to powwow. Take a knee.
Coach Mellor: This is my gym. You take a knee.
Coach Nick: Can't, I said "Take a knee" first, so, according to the laws of coaching, you got to take it.

Coach Nick: Look, I had a hard time as a kid. I was huge and shy and had a goatee, so everybody thought I was a narc.
Coach Mellor: I remember.
Coach Nick: I felt bad about myself, and I took it out on you. And I'm sorry.
Coach Mellor: Don't be. I think you're right, I'm jealous. You're a real coach and I'm here.
Coach Nick: Hey, you turn these little punks into men. If that ain't great coaching, I don't know what is.

Barry: No, my thing's not weird. I just have to legally change my name to Moron if I don't find the best cheesesteak in Philly. But there's a catch.
Coach Mellor: It's not in Philly.
Barry: You know?
Coach Mellor: Oh, Coach knows. If you need answers, follow me.

Beverly: Boopie!
Coach Mellor: Shake it off, Goldberg!
Adam: I'll fix it in post.

Coach Mellor: Well, aren't you a tall glass of Gatorade? Go get 'em, Ricky!

Coach Mellor: Goldfarb, kick us off.
Adam: Sorry, Coach. My old lady likes to keep all this on safe ground. She'll be here in three, two, one Mama!
Coach Mellor: Face it, Goldfarb, she's a no-show. Time to let the rope get to know every part of you.
Adam: Thing is, my mom's doing this whole Bevolution to reinvent herself and kind of dropped the ball on her schmoopie.
Coach Mellor: [whistle blows] Move!

Beverly: Oh, my God, Rick, are you okay?
Coach Mellor: I'm tip top! Aside from the fact that I gotta sleep standing up and I can't take this shirt off.
Beverly: Isn't there someone who can take care of you?
Coach Mellor: I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Aside from washing, eating, and opening damn cheese.

Beverly: Rick, why don't you show Nick where Erica's room is?
Coach Mellor: She has a keyboard. It's awesome.
Coach Nick: I can play Axel Foley's theme!