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40Quotes from ‘Goldberg on The Goldbergs’

The Goldbergs: Goldberg on The Goldbergs

503. Goldberg on The Goldbergs

Aired October 11, 2017

Beverly mixes in and tries to patch things up between Coach Mellor and his older brother, Nick. Meanwhile, Murray tries to keep Erica's long-distance romance alive so she won't have too much fun at college.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Beverly: Can't you just get past it? He's your family.
Coach Mellor: You sound like Mama, God rest her soul.
Beverly: You mean..?
Coach Mellor: She died doing what she loved, though, frog squats.
Beverly: Coach, does your brother have any idea what he's done to you?
Coach Mellor: That's what Mama asked me, right before she did that last ill-advised rep that sent her to the final cool-down in the sky. Oh, Mama, why'd you have to crush it so hard?

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Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: All right, that's it! You're outta here! [whistle blows]
Coach Nick: Did you just blow your whistle at me?
Coach Mellor: Yeah, I did! And according to the laws of coaching, that means you got to take a lap!
Coach Nick: No. You take the lap! [whistle blows]
Coach Mellor: How dare you blow your whistle at me in my gymnatorium?! You have no right!
Coach Nick: But I do. This is the Blare-X 2000, the Champagne of whistles, given only to college coaches. So, my whistle wins.
Coach Mellor: Anybody can get a whistle. What really matters is what's in here, and you and I both know I always give 110%.
Coach Nick: And everyone knows I give 111.
Coach Mellor: That's not possible! Everybody knows that 110% is the maximum!

Quote from Beverly

Adam: But this wasn't my fault. I was targeted in gym class.
Beverly: Targeted?! Who targeted my smooshy-tushed baby boy?
Barry: 'Twas I.
Beverly: Barry, what have I told you about picking on poor Adam?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Then came the Mom guilt trip unique to brothers everywhere.
Beverly: You realize that one day, I'll be gone, and the only thing you'll have is each other.

Quote from Murray

Pops: Okay, Mur. What's your angle?
Murray: No angle. I believe in young love.
Pops: No, you don't.
Murray: Of course I don't! Do you know what it means to have the one lonely freshman girl who pines for her boyfriend back home?
Pops: Oy, I remember that girl, Ethel Kominski. She was the worst.
Murray: Yeah! Now Erica's the worst. Instead of partying with frat boys, she's on the phone every night with some yutz a thousand miles away.
Pops: But that's horrible. What about Erica going out and having fun and making mistakes and living life?
Murray: I thought about that. And then I thought, "Nah. I'm good."

Quote from Barry

Barry: After seeing Coach and Coach fight like little children, I realized I don't want that to be us when we get old.
Adam: It won't be.
Barry: How can you be so sure?
Adam: 'Cause even though you give me dead arms and call me a nerd and flush the toilet when I'm in the shower, you really are my best friend.
Barry: Same here, nerd.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: All right. Welcome to third-period gym, freshmen through seniors. Now, to any of you younger, spindly-armed students worried about the insane disparity of height and weight in this class, I say, what are ya gonna do?
Barry: Suggestion, Coach. Perhaps the younger, dorkier students should wear shin guards and helmets, because I will bring the thunder.
Adam: Oh, balls. You're in this class?
Coach Mellor: Looks like we got ourselves a classic brother versus brother showdown.
Adam: No, we don't.
Barry: You know it.
Coach Mellor: This is why I snap on these blue shorts every day.

Quote from Adam

Pops: Aaaah! Where are your glasses, kiddo? Your eye's all fakakte.
Adam: Broke in gym class. Now we all got to live with the lazy eye.
Murray: What's that? Are you talking to me?
Adam: No, I was talking to Pops.
Murray: Then why are you looking at me?
Adam: I didn't! This is me looking at you.
Murray: No, now you're looking at Mrs. Butterworth.
Adam: I am not!
Murray: You're staring right at her!
Pops: Now one eye's staring at me. I don't know what to do.
Murray: Bevy, your son's wonky eye is ruining breakfast.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: Adam, put your glasses on.
Murray: Oh! You broke them again?! No more glasses! Those things cost a fortune. From now on, you're gonna wear an eyepatch, like a regular kid.

Quote from Barry

Adam: Oh, pass. He sucks.
Barry: I suck? Even your wandering eye hates you and wants to leave your head.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Okay, party people! The rubber balls are wet and molded over, so today, we will be playing dodgeball with lady softballs. They're large, they're hard, and they will leave a mark.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Geoff, I think we fell asleep on the phone.
Geoff: Aww. We fell asleep together?
Erica: Son of a bitch!
Geoff: So much long-distance charges.
Erica: Crap! I'm the one who called you. This phone bill's gonna be insane.
Geoff: Oh, no. Your dad's gonna hate me so much. Money's his anger flash point.
Erica: We got to get off this phone, Geoff! Every second costs us. Hang up!
Geoff: No, you hang up!
Erica: No, you hang up!
Geoff: No, you hang up!
Erica: Geoff, hang up the phone!

Quote from Pops

Pops: Hello. Goldbergses' residence.
Erica: Pops don't say it's me, Erica.
Murray: Is that Erica?
Pops: Not Erica.
Erica: Play it cool. I need to talk to Dad about a gigantic phone bill, but only if he's not cranky. First off, has he eaten?
Pops: A little. Now a little more. He's really teasing that pickle.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Damn it, Al! Hand it over. All right, what'd you do?
Erica: Well, I've kind of been talking to Geoff a lot, so the next phone bill might possibly be a little bit, extremely high.
Murray: Eh. It's only money.
Erica: "It's only money"?
Pops: "It's only money"?
Murray: Yeah, it's only money.
Pops: This from the guy who made me bring my own cream cheese?

Quote from Erica

Erica: You're messing with me, right? This is just a weird mind game?
Murray: Look, I know long distance is hard. If you happen to talk on the phone a little bit more and it makes a big bill, so be it.
Pops: Take the "Yes" and hang up.
Erica: I'm scared, but I love you, and bye!

Quote from Beverly

Coach Nick: You're not gonna leave here until I agree to come with you, are you?
Beverly: That's right. Beverly Goldberg never backs down. Also, I'm extremely intrusive. Orange slice? Those are meant to be shared.

Quote from Erica

Srini: I get it, you'll trust me when you're ready. In the meantime, read this.
Erica: "Depression: More Than A Case Of The Mondays"?
Srini: Mm-hmm. It happens to a lot of lonely, isolated shut-ins, like you.
Erica: I'm not depressed, Srini.
Srini: Of course not.
Erica: "Denial De Thing Dat You Have." Dear Lord, who writes this crap?

Quote from Murray

Murray: Why don't you come on down and get comfy cozy in my chair and call Erica.
Geoff: Really? 'Cause you said if I came within 5 feet of your chair that you'd punch my father.
Murray: [chuckles heartily] That's me, the funny dad havin' fun. Here's the phone. I'm gonna get you a cup of joe so you can talk to Erica all night long.
Geoff: Actually, she's at a frat party.
Murray: What? Why?
Geoff: Her 32-year-old sophomore RA called her a BORF, so she's gonna experience college a bit. Does this recline?
Murray: Get out of my chair! You're okay with Erica cavorting around Washington, D.C., with a bunch of drunken frat boys?
Geoff: Yeah, it's fine. I trust her.
Murray: No! You have to make sure that she's safe and she's committed to you and only you. Now get out of here.

Quote from Murray

Geoff: If my parents ask, I'm staying with Barry for the weekend. Thank you for believing in love!
Murray: No, no, no! That's the opposite of what I believe in!
Pops: Where are you going?
Murray: I got to drive like hell, beat that moron to Erica's door!
Pops: You need pants!
Murray: I'll get 'em on the way.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Well, that could've gone better.
Geoff: Yeah, sorry I couldn't go through with marrying your daughter, Mr. G.
Murray: Again, not what I wanted. But you're a nice boy, and you really do love Erica, so [grumbles] Maybe someday.
Geoff: Oh, man. That means you actually like me?
Murray: Just get in your tiny French clown car.


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