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46Quotes from ‘The Scrunchie Rule’

The Goldbergs: The Scrunchie Rule

516. The Scrunchie Rule

Aired March 21, 2018

When Erica falls out with her college roommate, she calls in help from Jenkintown. With the kids out of the house, Beverly focuses her motherly love on an injured Coach Mellor.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Mama, I need you!
Beverly: Schmoopie, you're home!
Adam: I came home 'cause I missed you. And I got scawwed. [babbling] Uhh, will you give me sniffies on my head?
Beverly: I am gonna sniff the [bleep] out of your head!

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Quote from Barry

Other Erica: Ugh! How did you live with your sister for so long?
Barry: I was a baby for the first part, so I don't remember anything. But once I was able to form memories, it got awful. So, I get it.

Quote from Barry

Other Erica: What? Did we just finish each other's-
Both: sentences? [Both gasp]
Barry: Wow, we did it again!
Other Erica: Your Drakkar suddenly smells good to me.
Barry: My sweat activates it.
Other Erica: Awesome.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey, Bevie! Hey, Bar.
Coach Mellor: Hey, Mr. G.
Murray: This isn't our moron. This is a grown man with a neck brace.
Coach Mellor: Good eye.
Murray: Literally the first weekend that our kids are gone, you're already replacing them?
Beverly: Please. I'm not trying to replace anybody.
Murray: He's eating all my food and wearing Barry's dumb orange shirt.
Coach Mellor: Your face is dumb.
Murray: What?
Coach Mellor: Nothing.

Quote from Murray

Adam: Dad! I got your message and rode Dave Kim's sister's bike the whole way here. What's the emergency?
Murray: Go snuggle your mother.
Adam: I thought this was serious.
Murray: It is! Your mom's in a bad place, and the only thing that'll snap her out of it is her delicious little snuggle monster.
Adam: What?
Murray: You'll always be your mother's baby. Now go let her smell your head.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Today, we will be climbing the celebrated gym rope. Fear not. This inch and a half of blue cushion will probably break your fall.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Adam: Coach, you okay?
Coach Mellor: Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Now, make room for me to acrobatically leap to my feet like a jungle cat.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: It is not a tiny sprain! I've ruptured my C2 vertebra. As a result, I can no longer aggressively sneeze or use my full head to properly whistle.
Adam: Man, I feel like this is kinda partially my fault, Coach.
Coach Mellor: Oh, it is 100% your fault. And as such, I will unfairly put you on a dodgeball team with a bunch of weak-armed scrubs so you get yours.

Quote from Erica

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March 21st, 1980-something, the week my sister hit an important college milestone, growing to hate her roommate. And the tipping point a box of chewy fruit snacks.
Erica: Have you seen my Shark Bites?
Other Erica: I've seen no Shark Bites.
Erica: Weird, because, um, when I went to class, my Shark Bites were here. And now, my Shark Bites are gone!
Other Erica: Are you, like, suggesting I ate your Shark Bites?
Erica: Oh, I'm saying you ate my Shark Bites. You owe me Shark Bites!
Other Erica: And you owe me half a Taco Bell taco I left out last night!
Erica: So, you admit it.
Other Erica: Oh, I admit it. I ate them all. And my tummy is super jacked up, but it was worth it to even the score.
Erica: I will eat everything you own!

Quote from Geoff

Geoff: Okay, I think I may have a solution. When I went to visit my cousin at UCLA, I found out that there's one thing that overrules the scrunchie: an out-of-town guest. I mean, you can't make a visitor sleep in the common room. That's just rude.
Erica: And it's perfect. All I need is an out-of-town guest, and I win!
Geoff: How 'bout a foxy one who no longer needs his asthma nebulizer because he went through a yearlong course of shots for dust mites? That was supposed to sound cooler than it did.

Quote from Erica

Barry: Gah! These CDs are impossible to open.
Erica: Yes, Barry. Come back to college with me this weekend.
Geoff: Him?
Erica: He's the awful answer to my problems. [to Barry] You know how you always annoy me on purpose and drive me crazy?
Barry: It is my greatest joy in life. Which reminds me, hyah! [can clatters]
Erica: Yes. You are the worst. Can you channel that hateful, abrasive energy at my roommate and drive her away?

Quote from Beverly

Adam: I'm off to Dave Kim's. He just got Super Mario Bros. 3. So, chances are, I'm coming home Sunday night with some wicked Nintendo thumb.
Beverly: Enjoy your Italian game, schmoopaloo.

Quote from Beverly

Adam: Ooh, Mom, could you do me a solid and whip up some of our lemon loaf?
Beverly: Check your backpack.
Adam: No, a fresh one for Coach Mellor. He got hurt pretty bad, and it's sorta my fault 'cause I fell off a rope, which is sorta your fault, 'cause you didn't bail me out.
Beverly: That's on me. I was just trying to improve my life by reading a book on boundaries. Did you know I love you too much?

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You know, he's right. All my squishy-tushes are gone for the weekend.
Murray: Listen to that. What do you hear? Just your loud breathing.
Beverly: You know, it weirdly sounds both wet and dry.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Oh, hi. Welcome to Mellor Manor.
Beverly: I heard you weren't feeling great, so I whipped up a healing lemon loaf.
Coach Mellor: Bring it in. Bring it in. I can't wait to mash that up and drink it through a straw.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: You are coming home with me.
Coach Mellor: I could never intrude like that.
Beverly: Oh, intrude away. My house is empty and lifeless this weekend. It's no bother.
Coach Mellor: You think you could pack a bag for me? I have limited range of motion. Also, I'm so scared to be alone.
Beverly: I can't tell you how badly I needed to hear that just now.

Quote from Barry

Other Erica: Hey, bad news. Me and Hector saw "Roadhouse," so it's for sure another scrunchie night, 'cause, you know, Swayze.
Erica: Save it for your hair because I have my own guest from out of town.
Barry: That's me. Ooh!
Other Erica: Hey, my super cute outfits!
Barry: Sorry. I need a place for my Drakkar Noir line of shampoos, soaps, shaving creams, and of course cologne.
Other Erica: Oh, no. It smells like the boys' cabin at Camp Ramah before the Shabbat social.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Erica, you cannot scrunchie my disgusting out-of-town guest. That is against the rules. And turn off that sexy mixtape! Geoff made me that tape. Not to mention, eww!

Quote from Coach Mellor

Coach Mellor: Holy cheesy seafood! Your shrimp Parm is the Super Bowl of all meals.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Hope you're hungry for some noodle kugel and a smoked fish medley.
Coach Mellor: No dinner for Coach. I got a mutiny below deck.
Beverly: Did you make today? Did you make poo-poos? Any poo-poos? 'Cause that's poison in the body, you know.
Coach Mellor: I suppose Coach could use some prunes.

Quote from Coach Mellor

Beverly: Boys, stop. I see what's happening here. Coach Rick has a hurt neck, but Coach Nick's heart is in a lot more pain.
Coach Nick: Whatever. Doesn't matter.
Beverly: No, in this house, our feelings matter.
Murray: I feel they both should go.
Beverly: Shh. Talk to your little brother, Coach Nick. Use your words.
Coach Nick: When you didn't ask for my help, it made me sad. 'Cause, you know, my love for you is big as my pecs.
Coach Mellor: That's, like, the biggest love a man can have.

Quote from Beverly

Murray: You do realize that you're replacing our children with grown men?
Beverly: Stop. They're simply sleeping in their rooms, wearing their clothes, and playing with their toys. Now, if ya don't mind, I need to get some prunes into our son's gym coach.

Quote from Beverly

Coach Mellor: Mama G! Good news, my tummy's feeling way better. I made real good.
Beverly: [chuckling] That is fantastic! Oh, my God, what have I done?
Coach Nick: Can you guys pipe down a bit? I'm working on my music.
Beverly: What have I done?

Quote from Barry

Andy: Uh, Bar? We just drove three hours. You said there was a sick college rager going on.
Barry: Did I say "rager"? Pretty sure I said "angry standoff in a dorm room."
Naked Rob: Dude, I missed my nana's birthday for this.
Matt: Yeah, man. This is the worst thing you and Geoff have ever done.
Geoff: What?!
Barry: I told him it was your idea. You get it. [to Lainey] Also seems like a good time to say I still have feelings for you.
Lainey: It may be the worst time.
Barry: Okay, Lainey's not on board.

Quote from Murray

Beverly: So much for the Bevolution. It's the first weekend ever without our kids, and I completely lost my mind.
Murray: Well, we still have a few more years to ease into it.
Beverly: And what am I gonna do when they all leave for good?
Murray: Honestly, it's gonna be awful for the both of us.
Beverly: Please. For the last four years all you've talked about is how you want them all to leave so you can have some peace and quiet.
Murray: Bevie, you know I hate change but it's easier for me to say, "I want them out" than to admit I love our crazy, loud family.
Beverly: You're gonna miss 'em, huh? Really helps to know I'm not alone.

Quote from Erica

Erica: Look, college has been way harder than I thought, but you've been the only thing that's made it easier.
Other Erica: I'm sorry I ate your Shark Bites.
Erica: I'm sorry I stole your ice tray.
Other Erica: I'm sorry I played the trumpet in your face.
Erica: I'm sorry that I lured half my high school up here.
Other Erica: I'm sorry I made up Hector.
Erica: What?!
Other Erica: He's so not real. I just, like, needed you to go away.
Erica: That is brilliant and totally something I would do!

Quote from Barry

Lainey: I got to admit, that six-hour bus ride was almost worth it.
Erica: I'm so sorry, Lainey.
Lainey: It's okay. It was so good to see you. And Barry, too, kinda.
Barry: I heard that! She said it was kinda okay to see me. This is kinda the greatest night of my life!


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