Kitty: No hair?
Red: None. Well, a little.
Kitty: Well, what are we talking about here, Red? Is it like Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?
Red: Jeez, Kitty, I don't know. I barely looked.
Kitty: Okay, I need a visual aid.
Red: It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee's a pretty big lie, Kitty.
Kitty: Okay, here. Show me on Wooly Willy. Uh-huh. Okay, uh-huh. Really?

Bob: Hey there, Harpo. Where's your horn? [chortles]
Kitty: Bob, are you making fun of my hair?
Bob: No.

[Kitty walks into the kitchen as Eric and Donna are kissing]
Kitty: Oh, you two make me sick.
Eric: Looks like my mom, but speaks like my dad.
Kitty: I-I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. That wasn't me talking. That was- That was- That was the menopause.
Donna: No, you don't have to apologize. We totally get what you're going through.
Kitty: Well, thank the Lord, Fertile Myrtle totally gets it!

Kitty: You know, maybe Eric's bad score is a blessing. It'll be a good story when he's a senator.
Red: "Senator"? The word you're looking for is "janitor."
Kitty: Okay, see? That's why Eric did so poorly on that test. It's because you're too hard on him.
Red: I have to be hard on him, 'cause you always baby him.
Kitty: Because you're so hard on him.
Red: You babied him before I was hard on him.
Kitty: Because you're so hard on him.
Red: You babied him before I was hard on him.
Kitty: You were hard on him when he was a baby.

Red: Well, how are you the morning?
Kitty: Well, my baby boy's still engaged. My hot flashes are back, so I feel like I'm standing in a pool of burning lava. They don't make a pill for menopause, so I took a Flintstone vitamin. And when you take a pill shaped like Barney Rubble, it's pretty obvious the freaking thing ain't gonna work!

Kitty: Why would you throw away the list of all the food the doctor said we couldn't have in the house?
Red: Kitty, did you look at that list? If I had known what I was coming home to after my heart attack, I would've walked straight into that bright light and never looked back.
Kitty: Oh, come on. It can't be that bad. I'll do it with you. 'Cause what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Eric: Actually, Mom, Dad's the gander. The male goose. So it would be "what's good for the gander is good for the goose." So, let's take a gander at what you're giving up with the gander. [chuckles] That's how you do that.
Okay. "Potato chips, other salty snacks."
Kitty: Good advice. That doctor obviously knows what he's talking about.
Eric: "Butter, heavy cream, cheese."
Kitty: Gone, makes a lot of sense.
Eric: "Alcoholic beverages."
Kitty: Okay, that doctor's a quack.

Kitty: Very nice. Baby says, "It's tight, but not too tight, and I wuv the way you powdered my wittle bottom." [laughs]
Kelso: I never thought I'd say this, but you gotta take it easy on the nads.
Brooke: I know what I'm doing. It's just, it sounded so much easier in the books. Okay, there.
Kitty: Let's have a look. Uh-oh! Baby says, "That's too loose. Now I'm gonna wee-wee on Daddy."
Brooke: I just have to redo the safety pin. God, why can't I do this?
Kitty: Oh, no. Baby says, "Ouch, you poked me. Now I'm gonna cry." [imitates crying]
Brooke: That's it. I give up. [exits]
Kitty: "Oh, Mommy, don't leave me. I don't want to end up in state-run foster care." [imitates crying]
Kelso: You know, you seem normal around your family, but out in the world, you're a little nuts.

Kitty: Okay, well, nobody's talking about the elephant in the room, so I'll do it. You're Black.
Eric: Mom! Okay, please, Mr. Barnett, we're very open-minded.
Kitty: Oh! Oh, no, he's right. I, myself, love that singer Art Garfunkel.
Hyde: Art Garfunkel's white.
Kitty: Really? Well, his name's got the "funk" in it, so I... Oh, wait, wait, wait. Red, who's that Black person I like?
Red: Martin Luther King?
Kitty: Yes!

Kitty: I will have you know that my friend Linda just filled me in on some slang words that some people in my family find funny. And now I can never feel comfortable with my muff again.
Eric: Mom... [Hyde and Eric laugh]
Kitty: Don't laugh, mister. When you were a baby, I used to put you in it when you got out of the tub.
Eric: Okay, this isn't funny anymore. Stop.

Eric: So, Mom, in the interest of returning regular meal service to my now shattered life, I'm here to help. So just tell me the problem beneath the dirty, gross problem.
Kitty: Honey, there is none. I just want your father and me to have more adventurous sexual intercourse.
Eric: Well, this is one of those times I'm kind of happy my stomach's empty. Um, look, instead of calling it, uh, sexual inter... [clears throat] Instead of calling it that, why don't we call it, like, a walk in the park?
Kitty: Fine. I want your father and I to have more adventurous walks in the park. I want to walk in the park in the kitchen. [chuckles] Walk in the park on a Tuesday. [chuckles] I even want to walk in the park in the park.
Eric: Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay, Mom. I think you're playing this all wrong. Dad wants you to have a deeper emotional issue. Invent one. He'll give you anything you want to avoid talking about... walks in the park. So think big. You know, I might be able to get you diamonds here. Maybe even a new car. This is like emotional Price is Right, baby. You're in the Showcase.
Kitty: Oh, I also want to walk in the park during The Price is Right. [laughs]
Eric: Oh, God.