Kitty: No hair?
Red: None. Well, a little.
Kitty: Well, what are we talking about here, Red? Is it like Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?
Red: Jeez, Kitty, I don't know. I barely looked.
Kitty: Okay, I need a visual aid.
Red: It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee's a pretty big lie, Kitty.
Kitty: Okay, here. Show me on Wooly Willy. Uh-huh. Okay, uh-huh. Really?

Kitty: You know... I wish I had a toupee. You know, because, you know, the way my hair is sometimes.
Red: Look, Bob, being bald isn't something that a man has to hide from. A toupee is just silly.
Midge: I keep telling him if he'd grow as much hair on his head as he does on his back, he'd have a full head of hair.

Jackie: Donna, I'm gonna have dinner parties all the time when I'm Mrs. Michael Kelso Esquire. Just think about it.
Donna: Do I have to?
Jackie: Oh, shh.
[fantasy: Kelso is at the piano as Jackie and friends are all smartly-dressed in her parents' reception room:]
Kelso: [sings] So they sprinkled moondust In your hair And golden starlight In your eyes of blue
Jackie: They're brown.
Kelso: I know. [laughs]
Eric: [laughs] Oh, Kelso, you little so and so. I'd nary a notion of your songbird ways, having thought you merely a captain of industry and a king among men.
Kelso: My word. Cease your fawning and let us discuss the fox hunt. But first, I crave a French pastry. Where's the help?
Fez: [enters] [British accent] Apologies, good sire. I was in the stables brushing the horses, secretly entertaining notions of a sensual tryst with a lady. [all laugh]
Eric: Top drawer! Top drawer.
[reality:]
Jackie: [laughs] "Top drawer."

Midge: Your turn, Red.
Red: Okay, fine. "Cueball." [clears throat] I'm sorry, Bob.
Bob: Sorry? Why apologize to me? I like billiards. Billiards are fun. Okay, so you all know.
Midge: I don't know anything.
Bob: I wear a toupee.
Midge: Bob! If you tell them, they'll know.
Bob: I wear a rug. So what?

Bob: Look, I know it's silly. I guess I'm vain. Every morning I wake up wishing I had the courage to walk around looking like you. But I don't, Red. I don't. I guess that makes me a bad person.
Red: Look, Bob, I didn't mean to make...
Bob: No, no. You know what? No, you're right, Red. You're right. Maybe it's time I stop living the lie. [removes wig]
Kitty: [snorts] Sinuses. [all except Bob laugh]
Red: All right, all right, I was wrong, Bob. You need the toupee. Put it back on.

Eric: Oh, Rerun's not smart.
Fez: What's Happening!! I'll tell you what's happening. Hilarity.
Kelso: Yeah, no kidding. "Hey, hey, hey." That's just funny.

Fez: Well, the party's tomorrow night. So I better go home and start putting on cologne now.

Kitty: Red, honey, would you go to Bob and Midge's and get my casserole dish? I'm making tuna surprise tonight.
Red: Well, now that I know, you've ruined the surprise. [both laugh]
Kitty: It's for Scrabble night. Bob and Midge love tuna surprise.
Red: Yeah, but I don't love Bob and Midge.
Bob: Well, Red, I have to invite them over. They keep inviting us.
Red: Well, that's because you keep inviting them. Somebody's got to break the chain, or it'll go on forever.
Bob: Red, they're the only friends we have since you made Phyllis cry.
Red: I didn't say anything about Phyllis' weight that the whole room didn't already know.

Eric: You know what might make this party a little more fun? Sweet death.

Jackie: [opens door] Hyde! Fez! Michael!
Kelso: Oh, good. It's Hyde, Fez, and Michael.
Hyde: Hello, fellas. What's to eat?
Fez: Ah, are these melon balls for anyone?
Jackie: Why are they here?
Kelso: I invited them because you're always discussing manners, and I wanted to be mannerly.
Hyde: He's mannerly.
Kelso: Hey, Chuck. Oh, no. Chuck's here.
Jackie: Why, Michael? Why would you invite all these people? Why would you do this?
Kelso: Well, I was thinking that if a party of 10 people was fun, then a party of 30 people would be twice as much fun.