Red: Steven! What the hell's the matter with you? Stealing my cable!
Hyde: Red, before you blow your stack, why don't you take a look at that car wash girl? She is so sudsy.
Red: You drilled a hole in my floor. My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!

Kitty: Very nice. Baby says, "It's tight, but not too tight, and I wuv the way you powdered my wittle bottom." [laughs]
Kelso: I never thought I'd say this, but you gotta take it easy on the nads.
Brooke: I know what I'm doing. It's just, it sounded so much easier in the books. Okay, there.
Kitty: Let's have a look. Uh-oh! Baby says, "That's too loose. Now I'm gonna wee-wee on Daddy."
Brooke: I just have to redo the safety pin. God, why can't I do this?
Kitty: Oh, no. Baby says, "Ouch, you poked me. Now I'm gonna cry." [imitates crying]
Brooke: That's it. I give up. [exits]
Kitty: "Oh, Mommy, don't leave me. I don't want to end up in state-run foster care." [imitates crying]
Kelso: You know, you seem normal around your family, but out in the world, you're a little nuts.

Brooke: Look, Michael, I don't want to talk about it. I thought I was ready, but today I found out I don't even know how to use a diaper. We are gonna be covered in poo.
Kelso: Look, I think you're underestimating us, all right? Especially me. Now, these beautiful hands aren't just made for foreplay. Check it out. I remember the first time I baby-sat for my little brother, and he power-dooked all over himself, right? So I got my mom's salad tongs and pulled off his pants, and then I grabbed him by the ankles and took him outside and hosed him off. And voila.
Brooke: Oh, Michael, it's so perfect.
Kelso: See, you got the brains and the maternal instincts, and I know how to wrap ass. We're gonna do this together, and we're gonna be fine.
Kitty: "Oh, Daddy, that's just how I like it."
Kelso: You're really starting to creep me out.

Kitty: I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm gonna have to search that bag. Every time you leave my house with a backpack, I have to buy new hair spray.
Kelso: I didn't take anything. This is lunch. I planned a whole romantic day for me and Brooke.
Kitty: So where are you and Brooke headed?
Kelso: Well, since she's having a baby, I thought I'd take her to a place that kids and girls like, so I figured I'd start the date off at an amusement park, and we'd go on a ride on the Lightning Whip. And then I'm gonna take her horseback riding up to this overlook, and then we're gonna get cozy and drink a little bingo-bango.
Kitty: Oh, sweetie, you're so wrong it makes me want to cry a little. No, look, pregnant women cannot go on roller coasters, and they definitely can't drink alcohol, or bad things can happen to the baby.
Red: Case in point, Eric.
Kitty: Well, we didn't know any better back then. I'm teaching a baby-care class at the hospital. If you brought Brooke, I think she'd be very impressed.
Kelso: All right. Yeah, sign us up. You know, there was a time that all I had to do to impress a girl was turn my eyelids inside out. This baby's changing everything. Oh! [returns Kitty's hairspray]

Kelso: Man, look at all these preggos. God, that one's walking like a gigantic duck.
Brooke: She's definitely in her third trimester. The baby probably dropped.
Kelso: No, I think it's still in there.
Brooke: It means the baby's gotten itself into the birthing position.
Kelso: Man, you really know stuff.
Brooke: I've read every baby book in the library. By the way, did you ever read that book I gave you by Dr. Spock?
Kelso: No, I kind of lost interest when I realized it wasn't about Star Trek.

Donna: Okay, Eric, one last thing. You know when we're play fighting, and you grab my wrist, and I go, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"? That doesn't really hurt. Okay? So, don't do that.
Eric: What? The Forman Death Grip? Man, I was really counting on that.

Mitch: I'm in a real bind here. I showed up at the engagement party alone. My family made so much fun of me. So I said to myself, 'cause, of course, I was alone, that I would bring someone sizzling hot with me to the wedding. Hey, Donna, would you be my date?
Donna: Mitch, I don't know what to say.
Eric: Oh, let me help you out. "No!"
Mitch: Donna, if you went with me, I might finally earn some respect from my family.
Eric: Let me say this for you one more time in Spanish. No!
Fez: I taught him that.
Donna: Eric, you know, it seems harmless.
Eric: No, Donna, I'm sorry, but I forbid it.
Donna: Oh! Mitch, I'd love to go.
Eric: Donna, what the hell?
Donna: No. I forbid you to ask me questions about this.
Eric: But, Donna...
Donna: Let me tell you one more time in Spanish... [blows raspberry]

Eric: Ah! I can't believe you finally sprung for cable TV. Wasn't it you who said, "I'd rather kiss Ho Chi Minh than pay for TV"?
Red: Well, your mother and I are running out of things to talk about, so... I thought the extra 20 channels might help fill in the gaps.
Hyde: Wait a second. Cable guy left? He forgot to hook up the basement.
Red: No, he didn't so much forget, as follow my "don't hook up the basement" instructions.
Hyde: But, Red, for an extra two bucks a month, your wife and children could be enjoying full-frontal nudity.
Red: But I don't want you to enjoy anything. I want people your age out of my house.
Eric: Hey, I'm only here 'cause you had a heart attack.
Red: I only had a heart attack because you're here.

Fez: Waiter, I'm rich. And as a rich man, I have much more money than you.
Eric: Fez, I'm really not in the mood.
Fez: Hey, sometimes I'm not in the mood to count all my money, but I do it anyways because I am a fat cat.
Eric: Yeah, well, your bow tie is starting to unclip, fat cat.
Fez: Unbelievable. They come to this country, we give them a job... They're just so ungrateful.
Christy: I'm Christy. And you are?
Fez: Ferrari. Fez Ferrari.

Kitty: Oh, hi, Michael. Hope you're ready to talk boo-boos, burps and binkies.
Kelso: Yeah, Brooke, this is Mrs. Forman, the lady that told me I shouldn't take you horseback riding. And, Mrs. Forman, this is Brooke, the hot librarian I impregnated.
Kitty: Well, I am so happy you two are here. And you should be happy, because you have me as your tour guide as you make the transition to parenthood.
[When Kitty hides the poster over the blackboard, "Kelso Rules" has been written on the board]
Kitty: Michael.
Kelso: But that could have been anybody. Everybody knows I rule.