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Nobody's Fault But Mine

‘Nobody's Fault But Mine’

Season 5, Episode 23 -  Aired April 23, 2003

Kelso finds out that Hyde has cheated on Jackie. Red piles pressure on Eric and Donna to get married soon. Meanwhile, Fez gets into a feud with Mitch (Seth Green), who is editor of the school paper, when he refuses to approve his license at the D.M.V.

Quote from Kitty

Red: Well, how are you the morning?
Kitty: Well, my baby boy's still engaged. My hot flashes are back, so I feel like I'm standing in a pool of burning lava. They don't make a pill for menopause, so I took a Flintstone vitamin. And when you take a pill shaped like Barney Rubble, it's pretty obvious the freaking thing ain't gonna work!


Quote from Donna

Kelso: Okay. If you had bad news that could hurt someone that you cared about, what would you do?
Donna: Kelso, just leave the poor girl an anonymous note and tell her she needs a shot of penicillin.
Kelso: Donna. Okay. Someone I know cheated on someone else I know.
Donna: Did Eric cheat on me? I will snap that little monkey like a twig!

Quote from Eric

Eric: Wow, nothing hits the spot after an hour and a half of passion like chili cheese fries.

Quote from Red

Red: Great. Anyway, about the engagement, I've got Eric and Donna on the ropes. I dared them to get married next week. They were shaking like France.
Kitty: Well, I know you like scaring children, but what's the point?
Red: Well, the point is if we let them do what they want, they'll realize they don't wanna do it. I mean, hell, nobody wants to be married. Except me to you. I'd do that all over again.

Quote from Red

Jackie: Oh, is Steven here? He saw me on the couch with Michael, but there was nothing going on. God, what do I do if he doesn't believe me, Mr. Forman? [hugs Red]
Red: When in the hell did this start?
Kitty: I don't know.
Red: The kids all used to run from me. That's the way I liked it.

Quote from Red

Kitty: Well, next fall, you'll get your wish. Eric will be in college, and then the whole house will be empty.
Red: That's right. We're only one good-bye away from heaven.
Laurie: Mommy, Daddy, I'm home.
Red: We gotta start locking that door.

Quote from Red

Red: Well, if it isn't the lovebirds. So, lovebirds, how are the big wedding plans coming along?
Eric: Well, I've decided to be the groom and, uh, Donna's gonna go with bride.
Red: Well, your mom and I have made some plans too. We figure since we're already giving you a graduation party, why not make it a wedding party, too?
Donna: Wait, graduation? That's in a week. Which is like-
Eric: Seven days.
Donna: I know how long a week is.
Eric: I know you know.
Red: Well, what's the matter? You two lovebirds still wanna get married, don't you? I mean, heck, it'd be a real shame if you chickened out. Then you'd be a couple of love chickens. [chuckles]

Quote from Kitty

Eric: No. No, we wanna get married. Right, Donna?
Donna: Of course. I do.
Kitty: Well, then it's settled. We're having a wedding. [laughs] Oh, Donna, you can wear my wedding dress. It's off-white, so nobody will whisper.

Quote from Laurie

Laurie: Eric, if you need any help dealing with Mom and Dad, I'm here for you.
Eric: Yeah. No, thanks. Last time I trusted you, I wound up in the dryer with a pillowcase full of bees, so...
Laurie: I know, and I am so sorry. I have been cruel to you, Eric. You too, Donna, but it wasn't as obvious because I mostly said stuff behind your back.
Donna: Right back at you.
Laurie: I'm not just home for a visit. I am here to correct the mistakes that I have made in the past.
Eric: Okay, but I'm sure whatever bastard children you've had have been adopted by now.

Quote from Fez

Mitch: Hey, Fez. I'm here to get my license.
Fez: Oh, hello, Mitch. I'm here to tell you that you will get... nothing!
Mitch: Okay, I know we had our problems in wood shop, but for the hundredth time, I'm sorry I sat on your spice rack.
Fez: You're sorry? You should see my kitchen. There's spices everywhere. It's anarchy.
Mitch: Dude, you're getting hysterical like a woman.
Fez: Well, if you mean that I am artistic and sensitive and cry every time that I watch Love Story, then, yes, I am like a woman. Now begone!
Mitch: You know, I could make it worth your while if you would just give me the license. I'm the editor of the school paper. Can you imagine this headline? "Foreign Kid Actually Cool." 'Course, I'd have to retract it the next day, because... Well, come on.
Fez: Here's a headline for you: "Short Kid Takes Long Walk." [places "window closed" sign and ducks behind counter]

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