Kitty: He just wants you to have some direction and so do I. And you are in luck because I got the new issue of Cosmo.
Eric: Oh, well, I'm just not sure I need seven new ways to please my man.
Kitty: No. No. Honey, it's a job aptitude test. Okay, question number one. "Do you consider yourself creative?"
Eric: Well...
Kitty: Yes. You were a little wiz at macaroni art. "Do you prefer to work alone or with others?"
Eric: Alone.
Kitty: Nope, you love people. Okay, question three. "Do you..." Oh, that's easy.
Eric: Look, Mom, I'm happy just enjoying my world. I'm like an explorer. I'm exactly like Christopher Columbus. Except, you know, I've been incredibly distracted by television.
Kitty: Okay. All done. Now, according to your answers, you should be a nurse!

Kitty: I'm shocked. The basement door closes and out come the lighters and the drugs. And I am sure Donna's down there bouncing around without a bra. It's like Amsterdam down there.

[The wall behind Red and Kitty sways in Eric's P.O.V.:]
Eric: Excuse me. Am I getting the car?
Red: We didn't say that. Things don't just drop into your lap, Eric. Not in this life.
Kitty: A car is a responsibility.
Red: You'll need insurance. Do you have any idea how much insurance is?
Kitty: A car is a privilege.
Red: Oil changes, road flares, fluids, that's your job.
Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.
Red: Always yield. Always!
Kitty: Laurie's friend got pregnant in a car. Don't let that happen.
Red: If I find one beer can in that car, it's over.
Kitty: And no doughnuts, either. [off Red's look] Ants.

Kitty: Aren't you going, Donna?
Donna: No. My Dad's gonna make me wear this really queer jumpsuit. I don't know if I can do it. It's just too embarrassing.
Kitty: You know, Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden and she had this thick, thick accent and it embarrassed me to no end. Well, I asked her not to come to my high school graduation 'cause I didn't want my friends to hear her talk and she didn't come. Sixteen years later, she got the gout and died. You see?
Donna: No.
Kitty: All families are embarrassing. And if they're not embarrassing, then they're dead.

Kitty: Okay, you know what this is, Red?
Red: Some lady magazine.
Kitty: It's Cosmo.
Red: Oh, no.
Kitty: I'm gonna tell you something, Red. I just took the "how spontaneous is your relationship?" quiz. And you know what?
Red: What?
Kitty: We got three out of ten. And I cheated.

Kitty: All right. All right. Now, you listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette! Now!
Eric: But, Mom, we don't smoke.
Kitty: Cut the crap, Eric. I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. One, two, three, four, five. Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers. Come on, people, hop to!
[One person reaches out to Kitty and puts a cigarette between her fingers]
Kitty: Thank you. Light?
[Everybody reaches out with a lighter]

Kitty: What are we looking at?
Red: That scratch.
Kitty: What scratch?
Red: The scratch that Eric put in the car. I got most of it out with rubbing compound but you should have seen it before. It was a doozy.
Kitty: Well, that must have been quite an accident. Was he killed?
Red: See, that's where his smart mouth comes from. Driver safety is serious business, Kitty.
Kitty: Well, you're right, Red. We should teach him a lesson. So when he comes home, I'll hold him down and you burn him with a cigarette.

Kitty: You know what's interesting?
Red: No.
Kitty: When you talk to Laurie, you actually have a conversation, but with Eric, you just give orders.
Red: Kitty, he said no to me.
Kitty: Well, he's getting older, Red. I think it's time you two developed a friendship, 'cause if you don't, he'll move away and we'll never see him again. Is that what you want? [Red keeps reading his newspaper] Red.
Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too twitchy.
Kitty: Well, Red, until I see you make some kind of effort I'm just gonna keep bringing it up.
Red: Threats aren't gonna work, Kitty.
Kitty: In the middle of every newspaper you're reading, every nap you're taking, every football game you're watching, I'll be there talking, talking, talking, talking.

Kitty: Where's Eric?
Red: Uh... I don't know.
Kitty: I think you do know, Red.
Red: All right, Kitty. Some kid's been hitting on Donna so he went to fight him. But it's no big deal.
Kitty: No big deal? You men are such Neanderthals! Fighting over a woman. It's ridiculous. It's like that time at that beach when that lifeguard pinched my fanny. You just had to lay him out, didn't you?
Red: Well, yeah.
Kitty: Well, how do you think I felt, Red? Watching you stand over that poor man, your eyes burning with intensity, your- your suntanned muscles gleaming like a bronzed god.
[Red and Kitty turn to each other and then run up the stairs]

Kitty: Laurie's living with a boy?
Eric: Yes.
Kitty: Just... Just one boy, right?
Eric: Yeah, I think so.
Kitty: Well, now, see, it could have been worse.