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Mother's Little Helper

‘Mother's Little Helper’

Season 7, Episode 7 -  Aired November 10, 2004

Kitty refuses to cook for her family until Red will consider reading The Joy of Sex. A new client at the salon, Danielle (Lindsay Lohan), appreciates Fez listening to her complain about her boyfriend.

Quote from Kelso

Donna: She chose Fez because he listens when a woman talks instead of staring at her chest. Stop staring at my chest!
Kelso: I'm sorry, look, I've been screwed by Darwinism. I never needed to evolve listening skills, 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right, but I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.


Quote from Bob

Bob: Look, Red. You should take Kitty's request for a love life spice up seriously. When Midge wanted to turbo-charge our love life, it was really a symptom of a much deeper marital problem.
Red: Yeah, that you were deviants.
Bob: Deviants? Well, the couple we were dating sure didn't seem to think so.

Quote from Kitty

Eric: So, Mom, in the interest of returning regular meal service to my now shattered life, I'm here to help. So just tell me the problem beneath the dirty, gross problem.
Kitty: Honey, there is none. I just want your father and me to have more adventurous sexual intercourse.
Eric: Well, this is one of those times I'm kind of happy my stomach's empty. Um, look, instead of calling it, uh, sexual inter... [clears throat] Instead of calling it that, why don't we call it, like, a walk in the park?
Kitty: Fine. I want your father and I to have more adventurous walks in the park. I want to walk in the park in the kitchen. [chuckles] Walk in the park on a Tuesday. [chuckles] I even want to walk in the park in the park.
Eric: Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay, Mom. I think you're playing this all wrong. Dad wants you to have a deeper emotional issue. Invent one. He'll give you anything you want to avoid talking about... walks in the park. So think big. You know, I might be able to get you diamonds here. Maybe even a new car. This is like emotional Price is Right, baby. You're in the Showcase.
Kitty: Oh, I also want to walk in the park during The Price is Right. [laughs]
Eric: Oh, God.

Quote from Red

Red: Eric. I found this in the garage and I want an explanation.
Eric: Okay, when people write stories and glue the pages together, it forms what we call a book.
Red: I don't want The Joy of Sex polluting my house. The Joy of Sex. What a load of crap.
Hyde: That book's for perverts, Red. You should give it to me so I can sell it to Fez.
Kitty: Red, the book is mine. I put it in the garage so you would find it.
Red: Uh-oh. I'm late for work.
Kitty: No, no, no. I am serious. It's high time you and I put some zip back in the bedroom.
Eric: Eww!
Red: I got a great idea. We'll put a TV in the bedroom, there's your zip.

Quote from Fez

Danielle: Okay, I want the full Fez treatment. A wash, cream rinse, and a lot of that wiggly stuff you do with your fingers. It's magical.
Fez: Abracadabra, baby. So, Danielle, what's on your schedule today? I mean, besides looking beautiful.
Danielle: Well, looking beautiful is from 10:00 to 12:00, then I have a date.
Fez: Ooh, hot date alert. Tsss!
Danielle: It's not that hot. The guy's kind of a knucklehead. I mean, he's really cute, but it's like when I talk, he's not paying attention to me.
Fez: Ugh! I hear this complaint 20 times a day. You're a treasure. He should worship you like a big stone head.
Danielle: You're so great. You know, you really get women.
Fez: Well, if you mean "get" as in "understand," then yes, I get them. But if you mean "get" as in "get," then, no, never. If I had a woman like you, I would give her anything her heart desired.
Danielle: Maybe I should blow off my date and go out with a guy like you. And when I say "a guy like you," I mean you, specifically. [kisses Fez]
Fez: Wow. But just to be clear, I still have a tip coming, right?

Quote from Fez

Fez: [enters] You guys aren't going to believe this! Wait. Were two hot girls just fighting in here?
Donna: No.
Fez: Someone is lying. Anyway. I was just shampooing this foxy girl, Danielle, and the next thing I know, we're making out in the shampoo closet.
Hyde: Wait a second. You're trying to tell me that you were shampooing a girl and she got so horny, she had to make out with you in the shampoo closet? That doesn't sound real, man. That sounds like a Mad Lib.
Eric: Yeah, are you sure you weren't just kissing a mop? 'Cause, man, I've seen you do that.
Fez: No, no. Danielle kept going on and on about this adorable knucklehead she was dating, and I just sympathized with her problems.

Quote from Kelso

Kelso: You guys, something happened today that has never happened to me before.
Eric: Oh, you did long division?
Kelso: No, I got stood up. I was supposed to meet this girl, Danielle, after her haircut and she never showed.
Eric: Danielle.
Fez: Danielle?
Hyde: Okay, wait a second. First a girl fight and now this? I vote, "Best Day Ever."
Fez: Kelso was the adorable knucklehead.
Kelso: Hey, thanks, Fez, but I'm trying to tell a story here. Okay, so I've been trying to figure out why she didn't show, and I've come to the only logical conclusion, she's dead.
Fez: Kelso, maybe Danielle met a guy that she likes better than you.
Kelso: Don't be crazy, Fez. Danielle is dead and we can never bring her back.

Quote from Red

Red: Kitty, we don't need The Joy of Sex.
Kitty: Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book, it doesn't even have photographs, just... sketches.
Red: But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part, and it's not to scale.
Kitty: Oh, here's a fun idea. [laughs] Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. [laughs] Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?
Red: Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.

Quote from Eric

Eric: Hey, what's for lunch?
Kitty: Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.
Eric: Yeah, so is lunch off, or... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land, here?
Red: I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.
Eric: But I'm not. Could I get, like... Seriously, like a sandwich or...
Kitty: Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then, I quit cooking. [exits]
Eric: Wow, I can't believe I'm asking you this, but please have kinky sex with my mother.

Quote from Fez

Fez: No, Danielle, I love your outfit, but I just think you can always go tighter.
Kelso: Oh, my God, Danielle, you're alive!
Danielle: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Kelso: Well, then if you're not dead, then why did you blow off our date?
Hyde: Look at him try and put it together.
Eric: Oh, he's got it now. No, wait, he doesn't. Yeah, now... Wow, not yet. Wow. This is, like, the slowest burn ever.
Hyde: This is like how burns were in the 1800s before we had electricity.
Fez: Danielle stood you up so she could make out with the adorable new man in her life. Ah, me.
Danielle: That's right. Ah, him.

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