Red: Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together and you said no?
Eric: I said no.
Red: You said no?
Kitty: Dumbass!

Kitty: Okay, what were you two talking about?
Red: Well, Kitty, I had a stash of gifts down there for every occasion. That way, if I forgot to buy you something, I'd still be covered.
Kitty: You buy my gifts in bulk?
Red: No, it's more of a vast inventory of love.
Kitty: Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of my foot in your ass! Yeah! I can do that too!

Kitty: Steven. You got a big tear in that jacket.
Hyde: Yeah. It's hard hopping over a fence carrying two 12 packs. I mean, library books.
Kitty: Well, I'm gonna ignore that, 'cause you don't even have parents to buy you a new coat. He doesn't have parents, Eric.
Eric: He told me that sometimes when he's all alone, he cries.
Kitty: Oh, that settles it. I'm taking you shopping for a new coat. Here, here. Take some Tang and go.
Hyde: Man, if I had a dollar for every time I heard a chick say that. [Hyde and Eric laugh]
Kitty: What? What? Never turn down Tang. Growing boys need Tang. [Hyde and Eric laugh] What is funny here?

Kitty: Washer and dryer, Red. They are going to have a washer and dryer. That redheaded harlot is gonna be Shouting-out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing. I bought sparklers for the Fourth of July. He loves sparklers and now he's leaving, and what are we gonna do for the Fourth of July?
Red: Uh... there's a car show in Kenosha.
Kitty: A car show? I don't want to go to a [bleep] car show in [bleep] Kenosha. I want three more [bleep] months with my baby boy and now they're gone because of your bull[bleep]. Way to go, dumbass!

Bob: Okay, you gotta admit it, this one's pretty funny. [chuckles] I'm sorry, I love word play.
Kitty: I don't get it. What's so funny about a muff?
Red: Kitty.
Kitty: I mean, muffs aren't funny. I have a beautiful gray one that I have been using for years.
Red: For the love of God, please.
Kitty: Just tell me what's so funny about my...
Red: Nothing. Nothing is funny.
Kitty: Exactly.

Red: You've got strange thoughts in your little head, mister, and that Donna's a nice girl.
Kitty: Red, you are giving him the wrong idea about sex. It's not dirty.
Red: But it's not clean, either.
Kitty: Okay, cleanliness. Now, that reminds me, always make sure your nails are trimmed and clean. Oh, foreplay is very important.
Red: No, it's not.
Kitty: Yes. It is.

Kitty: Oh, honey. Were your father and I having intercourse?
Eric: Mom.
Kitty: Well, no wonder you've been acting so weird. Red, say something. Make him feel better.
Red: Um... It's more fun than it looks.
Kitty: Red.
Red: What? What do you want me to say?
Eric: Look, you know what? Um... You guys do it. And I'm okay with that. So thanks.
Red: Sure thing. I just hope you learned your lesson.
Eric: Oh, yes, sir. I did. Wait a second. What lesson?
Red: Always knock.
Eric: Oh.
Kitty: Oh, oh. Even in the middle of the afternoon.
Eric: Oh, my God.

[circle:]
Kitty: [banging sound] Oh, my God, listen. You can hear my heart. [banging sound] Oh, my God! There it is again.
Midge: No. That's someone at the door.
Bob: Maybe it's the cops.
Red: It's just someone for the garage sale. Take whatever you want! It won't fill the hole in your life! [banging sound] I'll go see who it is.
Kitty: You know... For a terrible grouch, Red is great in bed.
Midge: [laughs] I'm sorry. What?
Red: [sings] Hippity hoppity Easter's on its way
Kitty: Where'd you go, Red?
Red: Well, I was hopping down the old bunny trail... And this guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser. So I sold it to him.
Kitty: You sold Eric's car? Oh, no. [laughs]

Eric: Oh, Mom. Oh, my god, Mom. I had her in my sights. I mean, she was right in the cross hairs.
Kitty: Oh, honey... You know I love you and your sister equally. But if you ever get an opportunity again, for God's sake, pull the trigger.

Kitty: Good news, Red. I just took Cosmo's "10 Ways to Please Your Man in Bed" test and I got 9 out of 10. [laughs] But I didn't get number three because I'm a nurse and number three is icky.