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Hot Dog

‘Hot Dog’

Season 5, Episode 7 -  Aired November 26, 2002

Eric realizes things have been going well with Donna and decides to get her a special gift. Meanwhile, Red gets Kitty a dog to cheer her up as she goes through menopause.

Quote from Kitty

[Kitty walks into the kitchen as Eric and Donna are kissing]
Kitty: Oh, you two make me sick.
Eric: Looks like my mom, but speaks like my dad.
Kitty: I-I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. That wasn't me talking. That was- That was- That was the menopause.
Donna: No, you don't have to apologize. We totally get what you're going through.
Kitty: Well, thank the Lord, Fertile Myrtle totally gets it!


Quote from Kitty

Eric: Okay, you guys know more about relationships than my moron friends, so I have a question about me and Donna.
Red: No. No more about you and Donna. You need to be thinking about your future: college, getting out of my house.
Eric: But Donna is my future.
Kitty: Honey, we know you love Donna, but you two are so on again and off again. You're probably gonna be off again sometime soon. Won't they, Schotzie? Yes, they will!
Red: How about a career? Have you even given thought to what you're gonna do with your life?
Eric: Yes, Donna and I-
Kitty: I think he should be a pharmacist.
Red: Now there's an idea. You can count. There's no heavy lifting. You ought to see him try to wrestle with that big mop down at the store. [laughs]
Eric: I don't see what any of this has to do with me and Donna.
Kitty: Oh, honey, but you would be such a good pharmacist. Your slender fingers are perfect for picking up tiny pills. Aren't they, Schotzie? Yes, they are! [laughs] Did you see that? He just nodded.

Quote from Bob

Bob: Red, you don't seem like the type of guy who'd get a dog. Being that you're unfriendly.
Red: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to do something to cheer Kitty up.
Bob: Well, if you really wanted to cheer her up, you should've bought her a banjo.
Red: A banjo, Bob?
Bob: You can't hold a banjo and not smile.
Red: You can't hold a potato chip and not smile.

Quote from Jackie

Eric: Donna. You, me, tonight at the water tower. Make yourself foxy, 'cause you're getting something pretty special.
Donna: Really? A present? I will get foxy.
Jackie: Oh, and Donna? Donna, don't forget to wear flats so that Eric can feel like the boy.

Quote from Eric

Donna: What would you have done with it?
Eric: Well, I don't know. I guess I would have told you how beautiful you are and that you mean everything to me. And then I would've gone down on one knee you know, like this. And I would've taken your hand and taken the ring...
Donna: Go ahead.
Eric: ...and I would have put the ring on your finger like this.
Donna: Wow.
Eric: So, uh- So, I'll tell you what. Uh, why don't I just hold on to that until, you know... Until the real moment comes.
Donna: Oh, sure. Or I could hold on to it.
Eric: You could?
Donna: Yeah. Eric, I love you, and I wanna be with you forever.
Eric: Yes. That's what I told everyone and they made me wear the stupid helmet. So, um... Did we just get-
Donna: I think we did.
Eric: Donna, I love you.
Donna: We are so stupid!
Eric: I know, right?

Quote from Eric

Eric: Man, everyone's down on me and Donna getting engaged. You guys, my parents. Even the Magic 8-Ball said, "Outlook not so good." I just... Look, I really think Donna would love an engagement ring.
Hyde: Oh, she'll love the ring. It's the thought behind it that'll send her running for the hills. Or, maybe she'll see how smart it is to get married when you're still in high school and have no money or future.
Kelso: I know I ran when Jackie wanted to marry me. Except I ran for California instead of the hills. I mean, the beach kicks the hills's ass. I mean, there's way more bikinis, and they usually have a snack bar.
[The camera pans around to Schotzie sitting on a folding chair]
Eric: What if you guys are right? What if she thinks I'm moving too fast? Man, giving her this ring is a huge gamble. Am I man enough to make that bet? No, no. The answer is no.
Hyde: You see, Forman? You tried to do a nice, thoughtful thing, and you screwed yourself. It's all about expectations, man. Like, I've taught Jackie to think I'm rude and inconsiderate. I can't disappoint her, because I'm always disappointing her!
Eric: And if I don't give Donna the ring, what are we gonna do at the water tower? Oh, God! [puts on stupid helmet] I do deserve this!
Kelso: Does anyone else think that Schotzie looks like Fez?
Hyde: That dog is flying!

Quote from Bob

[When Red turns back, Schotzie is sitting in his chair]
Red: Oh, not again. There we go.
[Red puts Schotzie on the floor and sits down in his chair]
Red: What the hell? Oh, crap! That's it. That damn dog's gotta go!
Bob: I think he just went, Red. [cackles]
Red: Are you laughing, Bob?
Bob: Your bottom's all wet. That's just plain funny in my book.

Quote from Red

Red: Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you. Hard on all of us, really. But especially hard on you. I mean, since you found out you were...
Kitty: Just say it, Red. Barren.
Red: Well, there's no need for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.
Kitty: Oh, good, 'cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.
Red: No, no. I got you a puppy. He needs someone to take care of him. His mother got run over by a car.
Kitty: Did you run over a dog, Red?
Red: No! I just hate to see you sad, and I thought- Oh, forget it. I'll take him back and go to the liquor store.
Kitty: Well, now wait. Wait. He's kind of cute. Can I hold him? Oh-ho-ho! What a little lover boy! Ooh!
Red: See? He likes you. [dog barks at Red] Ah, how about that? He's got menopause too.

Quote from Kelso

Eric: Man, Donna is so awesome. She can afford to go to any school she wants, but she wants to go where I go. Just so we can be together.
Hyde: Yeah, she is awesome. Why is she with you again?
Kelso: 'Cause a good girlfriend accepts her guy no matter what. Jackie was always trying to change me. "Grow up, Michael." "Act your age, Michael." "Stop shooting grandmother with a water pistol, Michael."
Jackie: She's 92, Michael.
Kelso: She had jam on her face!

Quote from Hyde

Eric: I gotta get Donna something really special something that reminds her that even though I'm an idiot I'm an idiot who loves her.
Kelso: I got it. A scented candle. Chicks can't keep their shirt on around a scented candle.
Jackie: Please, the battlefield of love is littered with guys who give candles. It's expensive jewelry or nothing. Look, if you can't put a price tag on love then how do you know how much it's worth?
Hyde: Jackie, what kind of crap is that? You haven't learned a thing from me.
Jackie: Wait. Steven. Well, what do you mean?
Hyde: I mean, romance was created by corporations to prey on losers who think buying nice things will make somebody love them. If you ever read anything besides what, [scoffs] Donny Osmond puts on his waffles, you might learn something.
Kelso: [chuckles] I put whipped cream on my waffles too. I eat like the stars!

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