Bob: Oh, hey, Kitty. Listen, I think I'm just gonna take Donna home and call it a night.
Kitty: Oh, don't you dare. We need to act like everything is normal. Keep the party going. Keep Donna happy. Didn't you have a speech to give?
Bob: Kitty, I don't think it's still appropriate...
Kitty: Okay, Bob's got a speech. Everybody, listen to Bob's speech. Speech! Speech!
Bob: I guess I could change a few things as I go along. [clears throat] "To the lovely bride and the handsome...
bride. I know the... one of you will make... yourself very happy. Your life will surely be enriched by all the time you spend with... alone. You are truly one soul becoming one joined... alone forever. So I don't look at this as the day I lose a daughter. I look at this as the day I gain... nobody." Salute.

Kitty: Well, don't feel insulted, Bob. Red wouldn't even give his own child a job. If you had a muffler shop, wouldn't you give Donna a job?
Bob: Sure, Donna knows her way around a car. But Eric thinks an exhaust belt is something that holds up your pants when you're tired. [chuckles]
Red: There's no such thing as an exhaust belt, Bob.
Bob: Well, then he thinks something else is something else.

Red: Bob, I'm sorry that I said that your idea is stupid.
Kitty: And?
Red: And... The next time you have a stupid idea, I'll just keep my mouth shut.
Bob: You know what, Red? I really don't give a damn what you think. All these years I've had to put up with you cutting me down, calling me dumbass. Well, guess what? You're the dumbass! You're nothing but a cranky [bleep] who thinks his [bleep] don't stink, so you can blow it out your [bleep] ass! What? What, you want to hit me? Go ahead, you bald [bleep]. Yeah, go ahead, do it! I'm not afraid of you. In fact, I'll kick your bony [bleep] ass right now!
Red: Bob, you've got some nerve! Good for you! It's about time you stuck up for yourself and acted like a man.
Bob: I'm sorry, Red, it just slipped out. [hugs Red]

Bob: This will show Red. We're gonna have the best barbecue ever. If there's one thing you learn in the National Guard, it's how to cook. Oh, I'm gonna defrost some chicken.

Kitty: Okay, Bob, I think the problem is that Joanne thinks you're moving just a little too fast.
Bob: That's just who I am. I do everything fast. I run fast. I drive fast. I eat fast.
Kitty: Okay, what happens when you eat fast?
Bob: I get gassy.
Kitty: Right. Okay, well, a relationship works the same way. When it grows too fast, it... it gets gassy, too. And-And- And then the bad thing happens and people leave the room.
Bob: Wow. A lot of people have told me to slow down, but nobody ever said it in a way that spoke to me.

Bob: A little time apart will do you kids some good. So, Donna, I transferred you to the Catholic high school, Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.
Donna: What?
Bob: That's right. You're starting this week so you better get out your Bible and brush up on your Ten Commandments and that thing about the dwarfs.

Bob: How you doing, kid?
Donna: Fine. I don't know. Scared.
Bob: Just know that whether you're pregnant or not, you're still my little girl. I support you.
Donna: Thanks, Dad.
Bob: But if you are pregnant, don't let Red touch the baby. He thinks he's tickling, but he just pokes. Trust me, I know from experience.
Donna: Well, Dad, maybe Red wasn't trying to tickle you. Maybe he was trying to poke you.
Bob: Why would Red poke me?
Donna: Why would he tickle you?

Bob: Eric better have a good reason for being late. There's only two acceptable excuses for tardiness in a Pinciotti household. One, traffic was terrible. Two, I should have left earlier, but I was doing something.
Red: Well, Donna's not here, either. Oh, maybe her new house ran out of gas.

Bob: So, Red, we got your muffler store flier, and I'm a little hurt. You know, you never asked for my input. I mean, I had a business of my own.
Red: Bob, your business went under.
Bob: Yeah, but very slowly.

Bob: Look, Red. You should take Kitty's request for a love life spice up seriously. When Midge wanted to turbo-charge our love life, it was really a symptom of a much deeper marital problem.
Red: Yeah, that you were deviants.
Bob: Deviants? Well, the couple we were dating sure didn't seem to think so.