Jeff: Attention, everyone. Who here would like to come with me, and join the Target family?
Mateo: Jeff, what are you doing?
Glenn: No, no, no, you leave my people alone.
Jeff: Or you'll do what? I told you, if I want your people, I'll take them.
Mateo: You hate most of the people who work here. You talk about it all the time.
Jeff: Yes, I'm mainly doing it out of spite. Who wants to join?

Jeff: Hey, this is nice.
Mateo: Well, I'm trying to get back on Glenn's good side. I love the fact that you quit your job for me, but I just wish you hadn't told everyone that you got a job at Target.
Jeff: I just couldn't... Admit to everybody around here that I'm unemployed. I mean, people think of me as this powerful guy who's got it all going on, and I just don't want to let everybody down.
Sandra: So you don't work at Target?
Jeff: No, but um, I'm in the mix.
Sandra: Cool. I got to go find Glenn.

Amy: Thank you for meeting with us.
Jeff: Yeah, well, that's the beauty of the ride-share game. I go where I want when I want. I meet tons of new people and I get to listen to what's on their Spotify, and I love it, and I'm really, really loving it.
Amy: Cool. That's cool.

Amy: Can we talk about Myrtle?
Jeff: Yes. I'm sorry, okay, so, um... There was a mandate to write up any employee over the age of 70 to give us a pretext for firing them, okay? It didn't matter for what. I once wrote Myrtle up for wearing gang colors, and I know she's not a Crip.
Amy: Why would they do that?
Jonah: Old people are slower, they have higher medical costs.
Amy: I was asking Jeff.
Jeff: Um... that.
Amy: So, what you're saying is Myrtle is now out there collecting cans for coins because you needed to increase the bottom line.
Jeff: Look, that's just the corporate culture over there. It's the mindset. Anything is justified as long as it saves a dollar. Believe me, if there was something I could do to change that, I would.
Amy: Well, maybe there is.

Jeff: Not to be critical, Cheyenne, but I feel stupid.
Mateo: I think you look like a hot, skinny Hagrid.
Jeff: Ooh... That I can work with. [as Hagrid] Harry, 'ello Harry. Get me some eye of newt, Harry! [normal voice] Good, right?

Jeff: I mean, it's like he's mad at me for no reason at all.
Garrett: He's not mad at you for no reason. He's mad at you because you sold out Myrtle for a corporate job.
Jeff: But... Well... You guys don't hate me.
Cheyenne: Oh, yeah, we do. We all hate you.
Jeff: Okay, fine. Um, what can I do to make it up to you guys?
Garrett: Give Myrtle her job back.
Jeff: I don't have the power to do that. I'm not even allowed to spend more than $12 on lunch without authorization. There's got to be something I can do to make you guys love me the way you used to.
Cheyenne: Um, we never loved you, so...
Jeff: Wait! Why... Why wouldn't... Why not?
Garrett: We don't know what you're talking about.
Jeff: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Okay, I can't get you Myrtle, but I can get you something better. Just get ready, okay? [a long train of shopping carts passes] For the surprise! [shopping carts still passing] This afternoon!

Jonah: Well, at least you got away from the baby for a few hours. I mean, nothing against your baby he's great.
Amy: Yeah, no, he's the best.
Jeff: Uh-oh, who let these dogs out?
Jonah: Hey, Jeff.
Amy: Jeff.
Jeff: Hi, guys. Are you here for the conference? That's awesome.
Amy: Well, we were supposed to be, but apparently it's just for managers.
Jeff: Um... let me take care of that for ya. [clears throat] Hey, Denise, these are friends of mine, so I can vouch for them.
Denise: I don't know who you are.
Jeff: [laughs] What? We've met, like, a million times.

Jeff: Okay, here are your lanyards and your room keys. Sometimes you just gotta grease the right palms.
Amy: Really? 'Cause it sort of looked like you just waited till her back was turned and stole these off the table.
Jeff: Eagle eyes over here.
Jonah: Okay. And what happens when the real "Colt McCann" and "Chien Mon Koh" try to get in?
Jeff: Who cares? You guys want 'em or not?
Amy: Okay.
Jonah: I mean, thank you?
Jeff: Yes, yes, yes! We're gonna have a great time together. Come on, come on, come on.
Jonah: No, no, no. I think we're just gonna meet you in there later on.
Amy: Yeah, we were just gonna check in, settle into the room. It was a really long drive.
Jeff: No, no, no, no. There's plenty of time for that later. Time to get our party on. Whoop-whoop. Let's do it. Wait. [waits for receptionist to turn around] And go. Go, go, go, go.

Jeff: Welcome to the big time, huh? You like shrimp cocktail? Well, prepare to be happy, because there's shrimp cocktail.
Amy: Wow, this is not at all what I expected.
Jeff: Well, you know, they call it a conference, but it's really just a ball's-out party. I mean, one of us is gonna end up puking before the night is over. Probably me.
Amy: Hmm.
Jonah: Well, thanks so much for showing us around, Jeff. I'm sure you gotta go mingle.
Jeff: Yes, good idea, I don't want anybody to feel excluded. I'm gonna take a quick lap, say a few hellos, and I'll see you guys by the ice sculpture.
Amy: Oh, no- You- We don't really have to-
Jeff: Kristy, what up?

Amy: Richard, this is Jeff Sutton from Cloud 9 corporate. He is a huge deal over here.
Jeff: Ah, I don't know about huge deal, but, uh, big deal, sure. I do get to use the company car. Once. Drove the VP's wife to Indianapolis 'cause she was too drunk, but I got to listen to whatever I wanted to on the radio. "Pompeii" by Bastille, anyone?
Amy: I think Jeff's testimony is going to highlight how important Mateo is to the company.
Jeff: Yes, real quick, do you know if Mateo has been getting any of my messages?
Amy: Jeff. Focus.
Richard: Okay, Amy, look, I see what you're trying to do, but I have to present actual facts, and so far, all I've got is, he's a good employee, he's sometimes nice, and he has glasses, which isn't even a thing, but I had to write something down because it was getting awkward that I wasn't writing anything down. Anyway, look, I'm sorry, but I can't waste anymore time here.
Amy: Really, Jeff? You couldn't just say, "Mateo is an integral part of the company"? You had to babble on about "Bastille" by Pompeii?
Jeff: "Pompeii" by Bastille. You're showing your age a little.