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Testimonials

‘Testimonials’

Season 5, Episode 2 - Aired October 3, 2019

Amy tries to gather glowing character testimonials for Mateo to help his case. Jonah offers to plan an engagement party for Sandra after maid-of-honor Dina refuses to throw one. Meanwhile, Glenn and Marcus compete for Mateo's old locker.

Quote from Garrett

Garrett: And it wasn't easy, but Mateo managed to teach those inner city kids how to express themselves, through the power of music.
Richard: Are you just telling me the plot to Sister Act 2?
Garrett: Back in the Habit, yes.
Amy: Which I heard is loosely based on Mateo's life. So that's wild.

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Quote from Cheyenne

Amy: And finally, good news: Mateo's bond hearing has been scheduled. His aunt's bringing his lawyer by to get a statement from me today.
Marcus: Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Jonah: Excellent point, but she's just providing a character testimony to help with his case.
Amy: Yeah, all I have to do is tell him that Mateo is a vital employee.
Cheyenne: Oh, that's how they get you. Next thing you know, they'll be asking you, "Where were you April 25th?" and you'll be like, "I don't know," and then they'll be like, "Well, then, why are your fingerprints all over this dead body?"
Glenn: Amy, please be careful.
Amy: Yes. Okay, I will be careful in case Mateo's immigration lawyer wants to frame me for murder.
Glenn: Yes.

Quote from Dina

Jonah: You know, the more you deny that there's a party, the more she's gonna think it's actually happening.
Dina: Well, that's textbook psychosis.
Jonah: Why don't you just throw her one?
Dina: Look, I know you like to be everyone's manic pixie dream girl, but that's not how I live my life. And an engagement party is clearly not on my list of duties.
Jonah: It's just one extra thing.
Dina: If I start doing extra things that aren't on the list, she'll start asking for other things that aren't on the list. Do you know how many things aren't on the list, Jonah?
Jonah: Do you want me to actually answer...
Dina: Buying her a zoo. Managing the zoo. Hiring an experienced staff. Euthanizing the giraffe when it gets sick.
Jonah: Why are these all zoo-based?
Dina: So you want me to start with zoo things and then go to other topics and then switch back to zoo stuff? Do you hear yourself?

Quote from Justine

Justine: I told them how Mateo and I are BFFs. Tay-Tay and Tine-Tine: the slut squad.
Amy: Wait, you talked to Richard too?
Justine: Yeah, and I said how Mateo's always serving up the tea, like when he told that lost little girl that she was better off now because her mommy was hot trash.
Jonah: Classic slut squad tea.
Amy: No, Justine, we're supposed to be proving that Mateo has good moral character. Why would you tell the lawyer that?
Justine: I was under oath.
Amy: No, you're not under oath, Justine! Everybody knows that!

Quote from Marcus

Cheyenne: Marcus, you're up.
Marcus: My parents didn't talk to me till I was five to see if I'd learn sign language... I didn't. Last year, I had intense stomach cramps that wound up being a spider's nest inside my body. Worked out great, though, got to keep the spiders. And all my teeth are fake. Time! Yes! In your face, Glenn.

Quote from Amy

Amy: So we still don't know if the raccoons have a key or if someone is letting them into the safe.

Quote from Marcus

Glenn: Hey, Cheyenne. I don't want to be insensitive, but Mateo's locker's in a pretty primo spot there above the ground. Do you think maybe I could move my stuff into it?
Cheyenne: Oh, yeah, I guess you could.
Marcus: Hold up. If anyone's gonna get Mateo's locker, it should be me. I already took his room and most of his underwear. It just makes sense.

Quote from Justine

Justine: So I forgot to mention that Mateo is donating his liver to me. Because mine is completely destroyed. Give that vino to me-no.
Amy: Justine, get out.
Justine: Okay.

Quote from Cheyenne

Amy: Also, uh... Carol will be out for a few days due to personal reasons.
Garrett: By personal reasons, do you mean she had a mental breakdown when she found out Sandra and Jerry got engaged?
Cheyenne: Oh, do you think she's planning to Gone Girl Sandra?
Jonah: I think she'd have to Gone Girl Jerry.

Quote from Justine

Justine: What's the one with the girl on the train?
Jonah: The Girl on the Train.
Justine: Right. Maybe she's gonna do that to Sandra.
Garrett: Put her on a train?
Marcus: Oh, man, could you imagine?
Sandra: [enters] Sorry I'm late, everybody.
Glenn: Oh! Thank God. We thought you were on a train.

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