George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

Donald: [o.s.] Okay, history. This is for the game. How you doing over there? Not too good.
George: All right, bubble boy. Let's just play. "Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?"
Donald: That's a joke. The Moors.
George: Oh, no. I'm so sorry. It's the "Moops". The correct answer is, the "Moops".
Donald: Moops? Let me see that. [takes card with gloved hand] That's not Moops, you jerk. That's Moors. It's a misprint.
George: I'm sorry. The card says Moops.
Donald: It doesn't matter. It's Moors. There's no Moops.
George: It's Moops.

George: I was handcuffed to the bed in my underwear, where I remained... [cut] She certainly seemed interested in me. Though she was attractive, she was also, in fact, a Nazi... [cut] The water that I had been swimming in was very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there had been significant shrinkage... [cut] Her parents were looking at me. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole... [cut] In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man. Thank you. [gets up] Oh, also, my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. [The board members sob and cry] Thanks again. [walks out]

Jerry: "The ocean called, they're running out of shrimp"?
George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, "Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running out of you."
Jerry: Really? That's great. You said that to him?
George: Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.
Jerry: Oh. That's not quite the same.
George: No. No, it's not. You don't know this guy. It would have been so sweet.

Timmy: Did you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: "Double-dipped"? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again.
George: So...?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!
George: Well, I'm sorry, Timmy... but I don't dip that way. [takes a chip]
Timmy: Oh, you don't, huh?
George: No. [dips the chip] You dip the way you want to dip... [bites the chip] I'll dip the way I want to dip. [dips again]

[George is eating popcorn as he watches TV. He doesn't break his concentration as his phone rings and his answering machine picks up]
George: [on answer phone, to tune of "The Greatest American Hero"] Believe it or not George isn't at home Please leave a message At the beep I must be out Or I'd pick up the phone Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.

George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on. And as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment, I was a marine biologist!
Elaine: George, I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing!
George: I know. I was just telling them the story.
Kramer: Come on, George, finish the story.
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Well, then, from out of nowhere a huge tidal wave lifted, tossed like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around and pulled out the obstruction!
[George pulls out a golf ball. Jerry and George stare at Kramer.]
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?

Jerry: So, George, how do I beat this lie detector?
George: I'm sorry, Jerry, I can't help you.
Jerry: Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.
George: Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavarotti, "Teach me to sing like you."
Jerry: All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.
George: Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry: I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.
George: Yeah, when the season starts. Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.
Jerry: How do you pull that off?
George: I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [looks annoyed]
Elaine: Yeah, you do. He looks very busy.
Jerry: Yeah, he looks busy.
George: I know what I'm doing. In fact, Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right. [gets up] Back to work. [looks annoyed and leaves]

George: You have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, ceases to exist! You see, right now, I have relationship George, but there is also independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with. Movie George, coffee shop George, liar George, bawdy George.
Jerry: I love that George.
George: Me too! And he's dying, Jerry! If relationship George walks through this door, he will kill independent George! A George divided against itself cannot stand!