Jerry: Oh, how can you be so sure?
Kramer: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass. Instead of salmon, he went with bass. He just substituted one fish for another.
Jerry: Look, you idiot. First of all, it's "Salman", not "Salmon".
Kramer: Jerry! Jerry, you're missing the big picture.

Elaine: You've dated women with nose jobs, what's the difference?
Jerry: You don't touch the nose. You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril.
Elaine: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?
Jerry: Well, I take it very seriously.
Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

Jerry: So, you going to the funeral?
George: Why, you think I should?
Jerry: What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her, you're the consolation guy!
George: I'm the consolation guy?
Kramer: Consolation Guy is big.
Jerry: Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Kramer: It's like ten dates in one shot.
Jerry: This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there. You're taking care of things, you're getting the sandwiches, you're the rock!