Jerry: You got the job?
George: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They treat me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry: Hold on. They think you're handicapped?
George: Yeah, yeah. Well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me!
Jerry: How can you do this?
George: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage, huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees, no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money. He had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.
Jerry: He drove a car with no arms?
George: All, right I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. He hated me anyway!
Jerry: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?
George: I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.

George: I have an idea.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: I show up.
Jerry: What do you mean you show up?
George: I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.
Jerry: Hmm. Not bad.
George: What's the worst thing that could happen?
Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.
George: Yeah, so?
Jerry: Yeah. I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with.

George: I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in the club.
Jerry: That's all there is to it?
George: That's all there is to it. By Christmas day, I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry: And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

George: [hoarse from shouting] I was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.
Robin: But you yelled, "Get out of my way"!
George: Because... Because... As the leader, if I die, then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?
Robin: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic. I saw you knock them down. And when you ran out, you left everyone behind.
George: Seemingly. Seemingly. To the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing, what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? Oh! And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh-ho, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It's not easy.

George: It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working.
Jerry: What is it that isn't working?
George: Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.
Jerry: [to Elaine] Got a napkin over there?
George: It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong. Every one.
Waitress: Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George: Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea. [manic laugh]

Jerry: Oh, my God. Look at this.
George: Hm?
Jerry: It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
George: "The Rogue's Wallet. It's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding, his name was Costanza. He killed my mother."

George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint. She started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
Kramer: Man..
George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: I zipped up!
Elaine: So, she fell?
George: Yeah. Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
Elaine: No, I guess you couldn't have...
Jerry: No, I wouldn't think so.
Elaine: ...done that.
George: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.

Cheryl: What kind of a friend are you?
George: You see, I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed? That's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere. You think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me. Nobody. He's pretending, I'm the genuine article.
Cheryl: So you're telling me Jerry's whole thing was an act?
George: Yes! And I put him up to it, because I'm sick! I'm the one that needs help.
Cheryl: I gotta go.
George: Well, should I call you later?
Cheryl: Please don't.
George: But- But I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!

George: So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.
Jerry: Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.
George: I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie!

Older Priest: I must say, George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of your conversion test. I don't recall having seen such an impressive performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
George: Oh, I'm... I'm full of it, Father.