Ann: You and I need to find a way to fix this reporter thing.
Mark: Why is this a big deal to anybody?
Ann: Well, apparently, the reporter is gonna print everything you said to her.
Mark: But I didn't say anything to her.
Ann: "The park is never, ever, ever, ever getting built?"
Mark: But that stuff was off the record.
Ann: Did you say it was off the record?
Mark: Do you have to say it's off the record?
Ann: Oh, God.

Mark: I heard that you were gonna print some of that stuff that I said in private about the park.
Shauna: Oh, yeah. My editor loves it.
Mark: You know, we'd really appreciate it if you didn't print that stuff 'cause we're trying to build this park...
Shauna: I don't understand. You did say it, right?
Mark: Technically.
Shauna: Technically?
Mark: Well, you know, you got up because you had to write the article and I said, "Come on, stay in bed. That park is never, ever, ever gonna get made."
Shauna: Right. And then I came back to bed.
Mark: Yeah, but the important part of what I said was, "Stay in bed." You know, I would've said anything at that point if I thought it would make you stay in bed.
Shauna: Okay, well, since we're, you know, romantically involved, I won't print any of it.
Ann: That's great. Thank you so much.
Shauna: You're welcome.
Mark: You know, I wouldn't say romantically involved. You know, going forward.
Ann: Oh, my God.
Mark: What?

Leslie Knope: Guys, we have to get me to talk to Janine Restrepo. She's right behind us and she could rezone our park.
Mark: Well, then just go up there and say hello and start talking to her.
Leslie Knope: Brilliant political strategy, Mark. Maybe I should mention her massive weight loss.
Mark: You're over-thinking this. Here, I'm gonna pretend to be Janine Restrepo. You, be you. Go.
Leslie Knope: Hello, Madame Zoning Board Member Janine Restrepo. [Mark pinches Leslie's nose] I am Leslie Knope from the Parks... What are you doing?
Mark: Oh, I'm Pawnee Zoning Board Member Janine Restrepo. And I can do whatever I want. Please, tell me about this park that you badly need rezoned by me.
Leslie Knope: Okay, well, I think it would be a good idea to have a multi-use community park.
Mark: Oh. Do you? [Ann pinches Mark's nose] Oh! Wait, what's that?
Ann: What? I'm just former City Councilman Frank Whatever-The-Hell. And I have more power than Janine Restrepo, so I can do whatever I want.
Mark: I don't even know if that's true or not.
Leslie Knope: [pinches Ann's nose] Oh, my God, really? Well, I'm Marlene Griggs-Knope and I will destroy you all! [laughs]
Tom: What the hell are you guys doing?
[aside to camera:]
Mark: It's fun to pretend to be zoning board members.

Mark: [aside to camera] There used to be this huge speed bump in the center of town. It was insane. So, I decided I wanted to do something about it, and I got it lowered 2 inches. Apparently, what I can achieve in government can literally be measured.

Mark: Hey, have you seen that documentary about food yet?
Ann: No, I haven't. But I heard it's really good. I want to see it.
Mark: We should go together.
Ann: What? Yeah, no. I don't think so. That would be like a date.
Mark: Okay. Say no more.

Mark: Ann, I really don't think you should invite me in. Terrible things happened last time. So, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.
Ann: Okay.
Mark: Okay.
Ann: Bye. [Mark kisses Ann] Hey. You kind of kissed me.
Mark: Yes, I did! And now we both have herpes. I'll see you later.

Ann: I'm sorry, you don't think it's weird that my ex-boyfriend lives in a tent in the pit outside my house?
Mark: It's not ideal. Maybe you should try to relax. Maybe take one of those Ativans I saw in the medicine cabinet.
Ann: Dude!
Mark: Yeah, I peeked. I also didn't see any toothpaste. Do you not use toothpaste?

Ann: I mean, I always knew he was lazy, but this is, like, a new low for him.
Mark: I feel like we should invite him inside.
Ann: Have you not been listening to anything I just said?
Mark: I don't know, it's just... It's raining outside, and he's living in a pit, you know?

Mark: My girlfriend's ex is working 100 feet away from my desk, and he's been pretty clear about wanting her back. What do I do with that?
Tom: Mmm. That's a tough one. You should break up with her, and tell her to go out with me.
Mark: That's good. Can I ask you another question? Why did I come to you for advice?

Mark: Wouldn't you rather the money go to keeping the parks safe?
Leslie Knope: Yes, but now we have the money under false pretences.
Mark: I actually think that you have a bigger problem than the money.
Leslie Knope: What?
Mark: There is someone in your department who is willing to lie about being mugged because he's afraid of his coworkers.