Nick: Please don't do that, sir. Please. I would love to sit by myself right now. There's something real creepy about you, pal. You want to get weird? Let's get weird. You got a nice face. [cut] Anger problem? Living with them? Are you kidding me? [cut] It's frustrating. It's like... just get a job. [cut] I like your hat. I like how it's not a team or a logo, it's just blue. [cut] Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers? Scales? Wow, you weirdo. [cut] You want to see me jump really high? Ha! Ah ha! [cut] I'm afraid of dying, man [cut] Who am I?! [cut] The enemy is en-e-my. The enemy is the inner me. [cut] Can you understand a word I'm saying? You just nod at everything. [cut] I need to change. And you've showed me that. I have an anger problem. Thank you. Can I get a hug?

Nick: [sings] I couldn't dance with another No, I Couldn't ask for another Groove is in the heart, yeah. [shouts] Cold, cold, cold shower! [talks] Hey, hey, hey. You can't turn the sink on when someone's in the shower. This is not some fancy hotel.
Jess: Okay, I'm sorry, I overslept. I'm running late for a meeting with the vice principal.
Nick: Please get out of here so I can save a little bit of my dignity.
Jess: Okay, I'm sorry.
Nick: One, two, three, four. [sings] Groove is in the heart.

Nick: Losing confidence?
Winston: Nick, what are you doing here, man?
Nick: I came to thank you. I got punched in the face, and I gotta say, it set me free. Check it out, man. 20 pages. And they're all good. Some of them are good. Five pages are good. I really like the title.

Nick: Jess, if you're gonna mess with my sink, put some goggles on. Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes. It's a bigger target.
Jess: Walt's gone. I know how hard it was for you to talk to him, and I just... some people, I just don't under... they just ... aah! And I understand why you want to break pipes now. Let's just drink a bunch and destroy the sink.

Schmidt: You know I don't think you're a loser, right?
Nick: I can't hear anything you say when you wear that sweater, Schmidt. You open your mouth and I just hear: "Cardigan, cardigan. I am wearing a cardigan."

Nick: So I say to her, "Water? I barely even know you."
Coach: Stop talking to me like we're in the middle of a conversation. We just sat down.
Nick: All right.
Coach: I hate when you do that.
Nick: Okay.

Winston: But, seriously, you have to go.
Coach: Oh, no, no, no, no.
Nick: Know-know what? We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
Winston: Okay.
Nick: We're gonna go. We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
Winston: You're gonna go?
Nick: Hey, we're gonna go. We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
Winston: Right on, right on.
Nick: Well, then we'll go.

Jess: Don't build that dresser, please.
Nick: Jess, it's fine. I have another one. I need, like, three to build this thing.
Jess: I can't let you fluff me. I can't let you work in emotional porn. You have too much to offer.
Nick: Forget it, Jess. I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high-stakes Legos.

Russell: You live together and you had three dates tonight. What's that? I think you guys don't really know what you are to each other. Right?
Nick: Well, you're wrong. No, you're wrong. Yeah.
Jess: You are wrong, because we know what we are...
Nick: We do know... yeah. We know what we are.
Russell: Okay, this'll be fun. Tell you what. Why don't you write it down? Seriously. Write down what you think this is. Is this a relationship, a one-night stand, above the waist only? No wrong answers.
Nick: You had two pens on you this whole time?
Russell: Well, sure.
Nick: That's the move right there.
Russell: You better believe it.

Jess: Nick, hands up, back away. What is this? Dad, you're coming with me now.
Bob Day: You want to get rid of me? So you two can do it again?
Jess: What?! You told him?! God, I knew you would blurt it out.
Nick: Shows how much you know; I didn't blurt it out. I told him on purpose.
Jess: Why would you do that?! What is wrong with you?!
Nick: I wanted him to like me. In fact, I want all fathers to like me. I wonder what that's about.