Nick: I can help who's next. Sir?
Debbie: Uh, sir, he doesn't work here.
Nick: Oh, yes, I do.
Debbie: Uh, no, you...
Nick: Oh, I'm sorry. Your flight's been canceled.
Debbie: The flight has not been canceled.
Nick: Flight's been canceled.
Debbie: Security!
Nick: Security! Please get this woman out of here! She's wearing a fake outfit.
Debbie: You know what? I don't know...
Nick: Debbie, don't start with me. You're in a mood.

Schmidt: Ready? Black.
Nick: Robot. Black robot. Ooh, that's even better, son.
Schmidt: Boom.
Nick: Way to push for number two.
Schmidt: Let's... let's... Exactly...
Nick: Black robot. The blackest robot in town. That robot's so black, it's the blackest.
Schmidt: I feel like marketing's gonna be a nightmare on that one.
Nick: Okay. I'm not good at marketing. I'm good at ideas.
Schmidt: Let's stay away from robots.

Kai: You want to hang out tonight and have ninja turtle sex?
Nick: What's ninja turtle sex?
Kai: Sex with backpacks on.
Nick: Oh, sex with backpacks on! Yes, I would love to, but I can't. I got to do some work, or Schmidt will put me in the "Think Harder" box, which is basically just a refrigerator box that he hits with a baseball bat. Gets me to think harder.

Winston: He slipped in the sauce.
Nick: Bookmark this one. Coach, get in here! We're watching videos of Italians falling down.

Cece: Hey, babe, do not get concerned. He's probably just tired or hungry, or getting jealous that I'm spending so much time with his best friend.
Nick: As a matter of fact, I am tired, and I am hungry, but the third thing is way off base. If you weren't a girl,
Cece: Uh-huh?
Nick: I'd karate chop you in the mouth.
Cece: You would get winded just trying to ball your fist up, dough-boy.
Nick: Well, good thing you don't need a fist for a karate chop, you stupid idiot.
Cece: You are such a door knob.
Nick: And if I wanted to karate chop you, you'd be dead! [laughs] Look at her flinch.

Cece: Look, Schmidt and I are not gonna work if you and I can't get along. Because... you're Schmidt's family. In a way, it's like we're engaged.
Nick: You're not my type. I like them crazier and... and sexually very prude.
Cece: Oh.
Nick: You just don't fit the bill. Look, you don't have to sign this thing. It's stupid. The last page is just obscene drawings of cartoon princesses.
Cece: I saw them; you're very talented.
Nick: Thanks. What they're doing is disgusting, but I think the drawings are nice.
Cece: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Nick: Look, if I'm being honest, yeah, I feel a little jealous. You know, Schmidt and I used to hang out all the time, and now we don't, and it's weird.
Cece: I mean, to be honest, I think I was a little... jealous, too.
Nick: Of me?
Cece: In a way, you're always gonna know him a little bit better than me. Except physically.
Nick: You'd be surprised.

Cece: So I went full Nick, huh?
Schmidt: Yes, you went full Nick.
Cece: Right, yeah, I see that now.
Nick: I'm full Nick every day. Imagine how that feels.

Schmidt: I don't know why I'm listening to you In the first place. You're terrible at talking to women. Case in point: You and Reagan.
[flashback to Nick at the sink as Reagan emerges from the shower:]
Nick: Hey, did you clean everywhere?
Reagan: Are you happy? Are you happy that you said that?
Nick: I'd like to smell your towel.

Nick: I'm sorry, I just can't believe you came.
Reagan: I did.
Nick: Things I'm feeling: excited. Number two: scared. I mean, are we gonna do this? You and me? Take it home. Take it to the mat.
Reagan: I don't know what that means.
Nick: You know, like, the big "R."
Reagan: Oh, a relationship?
Nick: No. [laughs] No, no. See when I say, The big "R," I'm, of course, talking about, uh, rasslin'.
Reagan: Yeah, I think that's a "W," "W-R."
Nick: Do you ever feel, deep down, that you know at some point you're gonna have a stroke and it's gonna be really bad?

Nick: It's just crazy. You know, I was just driving down the...
Reagan: Mm-hmm. Sounds crazy.
Nick: Reagan.
Reagan: Yes?
Nick: I worked all day. We haven't seen each other. Don't you want to catch up?
Reagan: [sighs] Yes. [clears throat] Fine, what? What happened to you today?
Nick: I saw a seagull in the backseat of a moving car.
Reagan: Can we have sex now?
Nick: Ugh, you don't get it. Let's get it over with.