Nick: It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
Jess: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.
Nick: Great.
Jess: You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?
Paul: [to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?
Jess: I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's For Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

Jess: [British accent] Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.
Cece: Why are we here?
Jess: You don't understand. You've never been cheated on before. Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...
Cece: Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.
Jess: It's been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.

Jess: Um, how good are the Beatles?
Russell: Beatles are the best.
Jess: Were you so upset when they broke up?
Russell: I would have been, but I was one.
Jess: [chuckles] Well, you're not one any more. How's your prostate?
Russell: Uh...
Jess: I had my breast exam last week, and, like, they're fine. It's just boob in there, but we have to be careful. Our bodies are decaying.

Jess: These are hangover eggs. See, they'll either stop you from throwing up the rest of the day or you'll just throw it up really fast. It's high-risk, high-reward.

Jess: I'm 30, I'm single, and I just started a new job. Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face, and then I ate the bread roll, so I essentially used my face as a butter knife. I don't think I'm ready to bring new life into the world, but... what if all that's left are the weird eggs? And the evil eggs?
Cece: You have no evil eggs.
Jess: I can feel them. They're turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die, and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized. [shouting out the window] Fertilize me, Los Angeles!
Cece: Calm down, all right? You're overreacting.
Jess: I am overreacting! You know why? Because I want a family. I want to give my nipples a purpose. [out the window] Give my nipples a purpose!
Man: Oh, yeah!
Jess: Oh, God, that was a mistake. Duck down. That was a mistake. We're taking that test.

Sadie: Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision coming in here today.
Jess: Sadie, once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for... 12 hours. Is there any chance that I sunny-side upped my eggs?
Sadie: No, Jess.
Jess: Oh, between the years of 1998 and 2005, I used a lot of self-tanner. Like, a lot. Is that a possibility of, um... Do I...
Sadie: Okay. Nope. Here we go.
Jess: I once fell on a pommel horse...

Nick: Why you holding a box of fish sticks?
Jess: Because I'm going to go scare the feral cats away that live in my current parking spot, Nick. I'm going to throw fish sticks at them while singing "Memory," and don't you dare criticize me.

Jess: Hi, I'd like to unpay some parking tickets.
Keysha: Excuse me?
Jess: Well, I sent in a payment earlier for some tickets and I decided I don't want to pay them.
Keysha: Well, just cancel the checks.
Jess: Can't do that 'cause I paid cash 'cause my boyfriend doesn't believe in banks. It's early in the relationship. Still shaving above the knee if you know what I mean.
Keysha: Mm-hmm. Let me get this straight. You want me to watch the mail and let you know if I see anything from your boyfriend.
Jess: Exactly.
Keysha: Fantastic. Should I call you or...?
Jess: Text, text would be great.
Keysha: Perfect. Let me put your number into my phone. [taps on phone]
Jess: I didn't give you my number yet.
Keysha: Oh, I think you did.

Jess: So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay?
Cece: Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: No. Batmobile.
Jess: That's what I said Batman Mobile.
Cece: You're putting the man. There's no man. It's just Bat-
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Mobile.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Batmobile. Drop the man.
Jess: Batman Mobile.
Cece: Batmobile.
Jess: Batmo-mobile.

Jess: I'm seeing some interesting things. I'm out of the office till Friday. For immediate assistance, please call Deb at extension A.C. Slater.