Winston: Mind if I borrow your car to take Shelby to the airport?
Schmidt: Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.
Winston: Hey, Schmidt, uh, you mind if I use the, uh, "man-bulance"?
Schmidt: The man-bulance is resting. He needs to get ready for the corporate team-building retreat on Monday.
Winston: That's cool. I'm sure the man-bulance couldn't handle all of Shelby's luggage anyway.
Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you, Winston? The man-bulance could fit the luggage of nine Shelbys. It has the towing capacity of a thousand Shelbys. You know what? Here you go, Winston. [hands him the keys] There you go. Enjoy luxury.
Winston: All good, man. I got your second set, so thank you.
Schmidt: How'd you get my second set of keys?

Jess: Nick, your houseguest is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger style.
Schmidt: Naked with a kerchief?
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Naked with a kerchief.
Jess: No, what do you call top, no pants?
Schmidt: Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh or a Paddington.
Winston: Honey the Smacks Frog.
Schmidt: There's a Donald the Duck. I guess pretty much any kind of bear except for Yogi 'cause that's naked with a tie.
Winston: Alvin, Simon, Theodore.
Jess: I saw his entire butt.

Winston: [on the phone] Baby, look, I don't want space, okay? I don't want anyone to have space. I want to be standing right in front of you. I want the air that you breathe to be the air coming directly from out of my mouth. I want to just be passing air back and forth between each other until it's mostly carbon dioxide and then we both pass out and die.