Cece: Wait, so, you're saying that you're doing Russell's busywork? That you, Jessica Day, former principal of an entire school, is doing his busywork? Nah, girl. Nah, hold up. One sec. [drinks coffee]
Jess: How's that wine and coffee combination treating you?
Cece: My heart is beating really fast, but time is moving really slow, so it all kind of evens out.

Cece: I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night.
Schmidt: Oh, dear Lord.
Cece: I know.
Schmidt: "I miss the way that your hands smell"? Did you write an entire Jewel song in here?
Coach: Is it from Pieces of You?
Schmidt: You want to buy a rabbit with him? This isn't a text message, it's a freaking Russian novel.

Jess: None of that's girlfriend stuff. That's all good friend stuff.
Cece: Okay, let me, uh, toss out a hypothetical to you, okay? Nick has a piece of lint on his sleeve. Do you go, "Hey, bud, you got some lint on your sleeve"? Or do you pick it off?
Jess: I don't see how that's relevant.
Cece: Yes, you do. Because you are a rabid watcher of The Crown.
Jess: I watch a lot of shows.
Cece: And so therefore, you know... that picking lint off of a man's sleeve... is the most intimate gesture.

Jess: We're just friends.
Cece: You can't be friends with these guys. You don't think that every single one of them has thought about sleeping with you?
Jess: No, you just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone all the time.
Cece: They do. That's why I think that.

Cece: All right, you want to go? This New Year's, I wasn't at my parents' house. I was down in St. Barths with a guy who might be an arms dealer. And my feet aren't whiter than yours. I just told you that to make you feel better. And when we were ten years old, I went to the movie My Girl with Jessica P before I saw it with you! And... I own a motorcycle.
Jess: Jessica P?! Jessica freaking P?
Cece: Oh, my God, are you crying under there now?!

Jess: What is this? I think Nick being ambitious and driven about the bar is making me... want him more. Is that, like, a thing?
Cece: No. No woman's ever been attracted to power and success.

Jess: Oh, my God. I honestly don't know what to do. I have so little time.
Cece: Hey.
Jess: Cece! Have you ever questioned your entire career?
Cece: Duh, I'm a 31 year old model. My last job was for a phone sex ad, and I was the one calling.

Cece: I will take a big old glass of booze-water. Got an antacid commercial tomorrow and I'm playing day-old curry.

Jess: I'm happy to lend you a bra, but I don't think I have anything that would fit you. That's the Peter Pan. That'll smash 'em down good, but you'll never get those in there.
Cece: I know. I just wanted to see what it would feel like to be your size.
Jess: Are we doing, like, a boob Freaky Friday? Because I don't want to lug yours around. They're a load.
Cece: I know. That's the whole point. That's why all the women in my family have back trouble, you know? [groans] So, now that I have insurance, though, I was thinking maybe I could have, like, breast reduction surgery.
Schmidt: [o.s.] No! [frantic knocking]
Jess: I wonder who this is.
Schmidt: What?

Cece: Excuse you! Those little bitches throwing us shade? Hey! Keep it moving! [both laugh] This is a middle school vice principal and can give both of you detention.
Jess: Hey, would one of you let us use your phone in exchange for... [goes in Cece's purse] Cece?
Cece: What?
Jess: Cheese and a condom?
Cece: It's for emergencies.