Captain Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And then he said you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? I'm gonna ask the Mayor to give you a medal for what you did. And then I'm gonna ask the Mayor to take that medal back. Because you just had to open that door, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: So it's a wash?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's a wash.

Captain Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit. I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this. I loved that man. [answers phone] This is Stottlemeyer. Yes. I understand. [to Randy] I hate that man. [hangs up] I hate that man!

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's finished! The rug is clean.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then what's the problem?
Adrian Monk: [stops vacuuming] The lines in the carpet. See? You went on a diagonal. I like to make a grid! It's no big deal. [resumes vacuuming]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up. [pulls the plug on the vacuum]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know what I'm gonna do? First thing in the morning, I'm gonna call the Vatican and I'm gonna nominate your late wife Trudy for sainthood! Because you are impossible!
Adrian Monk: The lines! They're all diagonal! I have to live here!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about the rug! This is not about the rug! Do you know what you are? Do you know what you are? You're the world's best marriage counselor. You could save every marriage in California! All people have to do is live with you for two days! Two days! And they'd never complain about their spouse again.
Adrian Monk: What are you- What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I am going home! I am gonna beg Karen to take me back. I'm gonna beg her to take me back. I'm gonna tell her I am a different man, and I will not be lying.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain. Washington just sent this down. It's a prelim psych profile.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me guess. The killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military and definitely hates his mother.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. How'd you know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because that's what they always say. That's scrap paper.

Captain Stottlemeyer: He got beaned pretty hard on the head. We're putting up 4,000 of these. I'm gonna have them put up. We're gonna post them in post offices, truck stops, and drug stores.
Dr. Kroger: Wait, why the drug stores?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I figure he's gonna have to buy wipes sooner or later.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
Natalie: I took a short cut. I cut across the creek.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie: Yes, I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.

Natalie: I have to talk to you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, what are you doing?
Natalie: Is this him? It's him, isn't it? He's the "Car Wash Columbo."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Car Wash Columbo". Uh, Reginald, we need to take a break.
Reginald: Cool, I'll wait outside.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nice try, kid. Jackson, could you baby-sit my young friend here for a minute? Go on.
Natalie: It's him, isn't it? [off Stottlemeyer's look] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [hitting Stottlemeyer] Why didn't you tell me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. I am so sorry.
Natalie: You're sorry?! But how?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. "Leland Rodriguez"?
Natalie: That's his name.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that's just stupid.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's kinda messy in there. Could have been a fight.
Adrian Monk: Is that probable cause?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Probably.
Adrian Monk: Probably probable cause?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's good enough for me.

Lieutenant Disher: Can I eat these now? He doesn't want me to get crumbs on the seat.
Adrian Monk: New car?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep, they finally signed off on her last night. After about three years of begging and pleading and weeping openly. What do you think of that color? You like it? I love that color.
Adrian Monk: It's black, isn't it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's Midnight Onyx. Yeah, it's got satellite radio. Eight speakers. Randy, what the hell are you doing? You're getting salt all over the hood.
Natalie: Does he remind you of anybody?
Adrian Monk: No. You- You missed a spot there. [Monk & Stottlemeyer wipe the hood]

Captain Stottlemeyer: What a nice surprise.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh! The waterfall. How do you like it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's great. I love it. Thank you, again.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Is it calming you down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Is that coffee?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Yes, it is. It's a coffeefall.