Captain Stottlemeyer Quote #328

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer in Mr. Monk Is on the Run (Part Two)

Natalie: I have to talk to you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, what are you doing?
Natalie: Is this him? It's him, isn't it? He's the "Car Wash Columbo."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Car Wash Columbo". Uh, Reginald, we need to take a break.
Reginald: Cool, I'll wait outside.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nice try, kid. Jackson, could you baby-sit my young friend here for a minute? Go on.
Natalie: It's him, isn't it? [off Stottlemeyer's look] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [hitting Stottlemeyer] Why didn't you tell me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. I am so sorry.
Natalie: You're sorry?! But how?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. "Leland Rodriguez"?
Natalie: That's his name.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that's just stupid.


 ‘Mr. Monk Is on the Run (Part Two)’ Quotes

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dale Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourados found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale Biederbeck: The Judge. I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't or won't?
Dale Biederbeck: A little lead. How exciting. That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is that you're off the street.
Dale Biederbeck: [laughs] You really think these bars can hold me?
Adrian Monk: [kicks the bars] Yeah. They seem pretty strong. Have a good life, Dale.
Dale Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison, but you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars! You hear me? Come back here! I'm not done!
Adrian Monk: Yes, you are.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, Captain. Are you okay?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?
Lieutenant Disher: No reason. Rollins is still in the office. The guys are wearing these for Monk. We weren't sure if you wanted to wear it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Of course I do, Randy. Thank you. [Disher holds up another arm band] Uh, two?
Lieutenant Disher: For the other arm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lieutenant Disher: To make it even.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Make 'em even. Monk.

 Captain Leland Stottlemeyer Quotes

Quote from Mr. Monk and the Election

Captain Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And then he said you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? I'm gonna ask the Mayor to give you a medal for what you did. And then I'm gonna ask the Mayor to take that medal back. Because you just had to open that door, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: So it's a wash?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's a wash.

Quote from Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico

Captain Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit. I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this. I loved that man. [answers phone] This is Stottlemeyer. Yes. I understand. [to Randy] I hate that man. [hangs up] I hate that man!