Captain Stottlemeyer Quote #51
Captain Stottlemeyer: What a nice surprise.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Oh! The waterfall. How do you like it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's great. I love it. Thank you, again.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Is it calming you down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Is that coffee?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Yes, it is. It's a coffeefall.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: The feeding schedule goes up to last Friday. He's- He's- He's loose. He's somewhere in the house. [jumps up on table] Come- Come up- Come on up here. It's plenty strong.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not getting on the table with you, Monk. I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I don't need the entire list.
Quote from Lieutenant Disher
Lieutenant Disher: All right. Here's the question. Who would murder the oldest man in the world?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know what the question is, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Look at this. Book of World Records. Enrico Palamo. He was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
Lieutenant Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, God.
Lieutenant Disher: Somebody is killing world record holders. One at a time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think we oughta warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we ought to put a 24-hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees.
Lieutenant Disher: I can never tell when you're being sarcastic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy. Get the book outta here.
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Election
Captain Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And then he said you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? I'm gonna ask the Mayor to give you a medal for what you did. And then I'm gonna ask the Mayor to take that medal back. Because you just had to open that door, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: So it's a wash?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's a wash.
Quote from Mr. Monk Goes to Mexico
Captain Stottlemeyer: In a way, given what he had to deal with, he was the bravest man I've ever known. I measured everything I did against him. He was my yardstick. I never told him that.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm sure he knew, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] I'm sure he did. The son of a bitch knew everything. I want a full-dress funeral. I want the governor there. I want the entire department there with black armbands and white gloves.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, Monk wasn't on active duty. We can't go full dress.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is to be buried with honors or I quit. I'm gonna tell you something, Randy, and I'm not ashamed to admit this. I loved that man. [answers phone] This is Stottlemeyer. Yes. I understand. [to Randy] I hate that man. [hangs up] I hate that man!