Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. Thank you for coming. We caught a weird one here. I mean, this is off the charts.
Adrian Monk: What happened? What did you do here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, we rearranged the squad room. I guess I should start at the beginning. On friday, a woman named Martha Murphy was killed. She was hit by a baseball. She was power walking past the Little League field when a 12-year-old kid named Petey Cunningham knocked one over the fence and beaned her, left temple. I mean, what are the odds, right? A million to one? A billion to one, maybe.
Adrian Monk: You rearranged the squad room. Why?
Lieutenant Disher: It's supposed to be more efficient. We've, broken it down into five different units. It's actually working out pretty well.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Whatever. Listen, get this Yesterday, Martha's family flies in from Denver. They go to her house. They're gonna get Grandma's affairs in order. Guess what they found? It's the darnedest thing. In 30 years of law enforcement...
Adrian Monk: Here's what I don't understand. What was the problem with the way it was? The way it was before was the way, it's always been.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I haven't even gotten to the voodoo stuff yet.
Natalie: Voodoo?
Adrian Monk: I mean, it's so random, isn't it? You got all these arbitrary formations and... I mean, who can work like this? It's madness.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay! I don't know what I was thinking. Randy, let's put it back the way it was.
Lieutenant Disher: What, you mean right now? For how long?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Until Monk dies.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, how about this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball and cracks her own cranium.
Natalie: With a baseball? She fractured her cranium?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Natalie: Was she that strong?
Stottlemeyer & Monk: [in unison] She exercised.
Natalie: I think voodoo's looking better and better.
Adrian Monk: Okay, let's be rational here. We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything.
Natalie: Except voodoo.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, thank you for coming.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Missing person. I hope that's what it is.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, her name's Amanda Castle. She's an artist. Apparently, she's a pretty big deal, very famous.
Natalie: Huh. Never heard of her.
Lieutenant Disher: Me, neither.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, somebody's heard of her, because the press has taken an interest, which means the mayor has taken an interest, which means I'm here, which means you're here, and you.

Captain Stottlemeyer: So keep your eyes down. We're looking for anything unusual, any freshly dug dirt, signs of a struggle, articles of clothing.
Steve DeWitt: Over here!
Lieutenant Disher: [picks up wallet] It's hers. This is a note. "Saturday morning meet Dylan."
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's the ex-husband.
Lieutenant Disher: I mean, could we get that lucky?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody's that lucky.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, hey. You look great. It's 6:30, so we should get going. [T.K. cries] Are you okay? Why is everybody crying?
T.K. Jensen: [wiping tears away] No reason.
Lieutenant Disher: You two have fun.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's going on?
Adrian Monk: They figured it out. That you're proposing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wonder how. What do I do now? I guess I'll just do it here.
T.K. Jensen: Wait, no. No, no, no, no, no. Let's just wait till we're alone. And I wanna hear the whole speech. And and everything that you've planned. [they kiss]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that a "yes"?
T.K. Jensen: Well, you'll just have to wait and find out. Wait, can I just take a peek, just a little peak? [Stottlemeyer flashes the ring]
Lieutenant Disher: Looks like we're going to a wedding.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Listen, Monk. Are you okay with me and T.K.?
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I mean, about her name.
Adrian Monk: Oh, sure, I think it's great! Everybody should have a Trudy in their life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, thank you, man. That means a lot to me. There's something else. I guess this is as good a time as any. You and I, we go way back. Probably some 20-odd, or even, mostly odd years. [Monk chuckles] So, I would like for you to be standing next to me next Saturday.
Adrian Monk: Standing next to you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm asking you to be my best man.
Adrian Monk: Really? I'm... I'm... What am I? I'm surprised. I'm flattered. I'm slightly apprehensive. And I'm anxious, which... Well, I'm always anxious. So that doesn't really...
Captain Stottlemeyer: So is that a yes?
Adrian Monk: Yes, absolutely. I'll do my best to be the best best man a best man could possibly be.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you will. It's not complicated. Your main job is to make sure you don't lose this.
Adrian Monk: I will not lose this ring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you won't.
Adrian Monk: No, I will not lose this ring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I think you're bending it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Friday night, the review board and the commissioner met in a private session to talk about you.
Adrian Monk: About me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was there, so was Dr. Bell. And they came to a decision. They don't want to use you as a private consultant anymore.
Adrian Monk: I knew it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, no, no, let me finish.
Adrian Monk: You're firing me!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody said that.
Natalie: I don't believe it. Is this because he mopped up the blood stain In that jewelry store?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't about that!
Natalie: So he made one mistake in eight years, after 120 cases. He can't make one mistake?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me start over.
Adrian Monk: Hey, it's been great! See you.
Natalie: Shame on you! Shame on both of you!
Lieutenant Disher: Well, that could've gone better.

Lieutenant Disher: Look, Edie, we're trying to protect Joey here. If you tell us where he is, we can pick him up without anyone getting hurt.
Edie Kazarinski: I don't care if you kill him. Hope you do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do you happen to have a recent photograph? The one we have is over 10 years old.
Edie Kazarinski: Threw 'em out. Ripped 'em up and threw them out. Wait, I think I have one left. [removes picture from the bird cage]
Lieutenant Disher: He has a white goatee.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's not a goatee. [scratches photo]

Adrian Monk: I can't go home?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Buddy, you're lucky, you're not in jail. You've been charged with assault and threatening a sitting judge.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, some Judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We know. We've been digging around. It all checks out.
Lieutenant Disher: Dr. Nash had a second cell phone. He called Rickover half a dozen times. We figure he was trying to blackmail him, Rickover hired Kazarinski to kill him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Give him- Give him the files.
Lieutenant Disher: I'll just put it there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You got it. You found him. How does it feel?
Adrian Monk: It's not over. It's not over. Just the air- The air that I'm breathing. I hate the thought that he's breathing the same air.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know, buddy. Look, we're gonna get him, I promise you. This is me promising you, the son of a bitch is going down.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, here you are. I was looking all over for you. You haven't heard?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Heard what?
Lieutenant Disher: There's a cure.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's a cure?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, for Monk, they isolated the poison. It was on his wipes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ha, the wipes! That's great news. There's a cure! Come on, I was just on my way to the hospital. We can celebrate.
Lieutenant Disher: He is not there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's not there?
Lieutenant Disher: Monk, he escaped. And he drugged a cop and took his gun.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, come on, let's go, we can take your car.
Lieutenant Disher: Where are we going?
Captain Stottlemeyer: To stop Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: From doing what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The wrong thing.