Claire: It's... It's not a skylight. There's a hole in your roof.
Phil: Cool, I always wanted to learn how to install a skylight. I guess today's the day.
Dylan: Have you also always wanted to move an electrical outlet that's currently in the shower?
Phil: Well, that can't be code.
Dylan: It's not. I'm telling you exactly what's going on.

Dylan: Dr. Singh, that is some exquisite gel work, and I say that as a soon-to-be nurse and someone who wears a lot of product in his hair.

Luke: Hey, you guys want to buy a Super Bowl square? Only $3.75.
Dylan: Cool. Can I take three squares?
Haley: Yeah, I need something good today, too. We'll split five squares.
Phil: Uh... do you have quarters?
Dylan: Oh, I don't carry change since the last time I got struck by lightning.

Dylan: You can't hide in here all day. To me, you've never been hotter, and I've seen you hitchhike in a bikini.

Haley: All right, let's try the swaddle again.
Dylan: Our blankets are folded into triangles, we do a left tuck, a toe tuck, a right tuck, and voilà, baby burrito.
Haley: Ugh! How did you do yours?!
Dylan: I guess that summer working at Burrito Basement was worth the E.coli.

Dylan: Haley's fine. She was so brave. And the babies are great!
Gloria: I can't wait to see them!
Dylan: As soon as they're done getting checked out. I'm gonna go get them now.
Gloria: Wait, wait. What about the sex?
Dylan: Doctor says not for six weeks.

Dylan: Cool! You know, years ago, I almost joined the female-dominated world of flight attendants. My fellow nurses still needle me about it. [chuckles] Can I come?
Phil: Uh, actually, Jay's pretty particular about...
Jay: Sure, why not?
Dylan: Looks like we're having a threesome!
Phil: You're embarrassing yourself.

Manny: [to the twins] Oh, you guys are so cute!
Luke: Well, George is. Poppy's gonna need a personality.
[Dylan hits Luke in the stomach with the back end of his pool cue]
Dylan: Sorry, dude. Total accident.
Phil: [to Jay] Oh. He's gonna be a good dad.

Cameron: Sounds like somebody's nervous about a possible move to Missouri.
Mitchell: No, I'm... I'm just pointing out that there are a lot of really great things here. Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame to cut that blossoming relationship short? [points to Lily and her date]
Dylan: Actually, I'm not so sure how much I trust that Randy guy. I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old?

Dylan: Well, what happened? Did he come back?
Phil: That... That was you, buddy.
Jay: I love this kid. I remember when he was a baby. [laughs]
Dylan: We met my senior year of high school. Who does everyone think I am?