Claire: My leg is stuck! Somebody do something!
Dylan: I'm really good at getting rings off. Do you want me to butter your thighs?
Jay: Hey, Dylan, sometimes I like to play things out in my head first, if that's helpful.

Claire: Who made macaroni and cheese and left it out?
Dylan: Sorry, Mrs. D. That was me and Luke. But in our defense, we were high and got spooked by your German dishwasher.

Haley: Well, I have two babies and a special needs husband.
Dylan: It's true. I have a medical condition that requires a room big enough for a giant mattress.
Haley: He sleep-wiggles.

Dylan: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy. Is Haley ready for school?
Phil: She's on her way down. Don't get too close to my wife.
Dylan: Haley told you about that? It was just a dream.
Claire: Oh, God.
Phil: Okay, that came from the kitchen.
Dylan: I thought it was in here.
Phil: Okay, you wait in here and listen for it. I'm gonna wait in there.
Dylan: I mean, it's the least I can do after... Well, you know.

Dylan: [playing guitar and singing] I rode a horse for the first time today wasn't surprised when it went neigh

Dylan: Anyway, I just wanted to pick something up that I left here. [drawer opens, Dylan picks up a Rubik's cube] Bam! Oh, wait. Uh... Bam! Your dad did that. Yellow's the hardest side.

Andy: She has a boyfriend. Not me. I have a girlfriend. She's a Laker girl.
Dylan: Oh, barnacle scraper? Hot.