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‘Ida's Boyfriend’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Malcolm in the Middle: Ida's Boyfriend

511. Ida's Boyfriend

Aired February 8, 2004

Ida turns up and announces she's getting married. Meanwhile, Malcolm tries to hide the fact he's had his tongue pierced, and Dewey pretends Reese does not exist after destroying one of his toys.

Quote from Ida

Ida: You'll be giving the rehearsal dinner here tonight.
Lois: Tonight? Is Susan coming?
Ida: No. Maybe next time your sister will think twice before she yells the answer to Wheel of Fortune. Give someone else a chance. Wedding's at 2:00 tomorrow. Don't be late. We have a 6:00 flight to Hong Kong.
Hal: You're going to Hong Kong?
Ida: Yes. He has a house there. That's where we're going to live.
Lois: You're moving to China?
Ida: I know. Chickens in the streets, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.

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Quote from Dewey

Reese: Hey, that's really neat.
Dewey: Thanks. It's the USS Constitution. In 1803, it sailed all the...
Reese: Typhoon! [smashes ship with a racket]
Dewey: I can't believe you did that!
Reese: How about now?
Dewey: You idiotic...! I hate you! I wish you weren't my brother! I wish you never existed! Wow. How did that happen?
Reese: What?
Dewey: It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
Reese: What is?
Dewey: I wished as hard as I could and Reese completely disappeared.
Reese: Yeah, yeah, very funny.
Dewey: Huh. The smell is gone, too. I wonder if it works on other things. [holds up brush] Nah. If this were gone, I'd miss it.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: Morning.
Lois: What are you hiding?
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Lois: Stop wasting my time. I can smell the guilt from here. You know, if you fess up now, I might go easy on you.
Malcolm: You can't just pretend to know something, hoping I'll blurt out a confession. I'm not hiding anything. [to camera] Okay, I'm hiding something. [shows tongue piercing] Cool, huh? If I hide it from my parents for a month until it heals, then I can take it out and put it back anytime I want. And do you know why I did this? Me neither.

Quote from Ida

Lois: [screams]
Ida: You have your father's breasts.
Lois: For God's sake, Mother, what are you doing here?
Ida: A simple "hello" is asking too much?
Lois: I'm sorry. You scared the living daylights out of me.
Ida: I have news.
Lois: Look, if Susan kicked you out, it doesn't mean you can stay here, because we just don't have the room. Not with the new baby and all.
Ida: Oh, yes, another precious baby. You wouldn't want your welfare checks to dry up. I'm not moving in. I'm getting married.
Lois: What?!

Quote from Ida

Ida: His name is Mr. Li. I met him on my Alaska cruise. We're getting married tomorrow.
Lois: You're getting married tomorrow?!
Ida: At my age, if he has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? [Malcolm groans] Oh, I forgot. This one doesn't like girls.
Malcolm: Grandma, I'm not gay.
Ida: That's right. I'm just a liar.

Quote from Hal

Lois: It's just so sudden.
Ida: I understand it is hard for you. I know how much you loved your father.
Lois: Yes, that's probably it. [Ida exits] Can you believe this?
Malcolm: She'll be almost exactly on the other side of the Earth.
Hal: We'll be separated from her by the entire molten core of a planet. It's like Christmas!

Quote from Hal

Hal: Get your coat?
Ida: Stay away from me.
Hal: Ooh. Strong and independent. Yet not so independent that she won't be a fully participating partner in your marriage.
Ida: Shut up. You're blithering like an idiot.
Hal: And delightfully honest.

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [to camera] Dinner's going okay so far. Mr. Li seems nice. But my tongue is killing me. No one told me that putting a metal spike through it would be so uncomfortable.

Quote from Ida

Lois: So, you two lovebirds met on a cruise. What was that like?
Ida: What is this, the third degree? People meet. Happens every day.
Mr. Li: It's an interesting story. The woman I dined with the first night was confined to sickbay after she fell overboard.
Ida: We had rough seas.
Mr. Li: But as often happens, misfortune brings opportunity, for it was then I met the beautiful Ida.
Hal: [chokes] Sorry. Swallowed a bug.

Quote from Ida

Lois: Mom, Jamie's got your cigarettes.
Ida: Who the hell is Jamie?
Lois: Your grandson.
Ida: Huh. We never named them till we were sure they would survive.
Hal: [chuckles] I love this dark humor of hers. I'm telling you, you have nothing but fun ahead of you.

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