Season 4, Episode 22 - Aired May 18, 2003
The family join a church just so they can get free daycare for Jamie. Meanwhile, Francis tries to stir up interest in the ranch by staging a UFO sighting.
Quote from Dewey
Dewey: Yeah, like Pastor Roy said. How God's so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what he's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
Helen: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom and we can have faith that He is watching over us.
Dewey: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good and which ones were bad. But they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
Helen: Well, that's not-
Dewey: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid and with the lawn mower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
Helen: But I don't think-
Dewey: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything, either. So why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Helen: Well, that's good, but-
Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible and try not to dwell on God standing over us with that giant shovel. Bye.
Quote from Lois
Lois: It's baby Moses in the bullrushes. And I started to think about that story, where the mother has to take her little one and send him down the river forever to be raised by someone else. And I wanted to be that mom. Hal... I don't like this baby.
Hal: Are you serious?
Lois: I know it's terrible. I don't deserve to be a mother. I'm supposed to be feeling all this perfect motherly love, and it's not there. It is just not there.
Hal: I can't believe you're saying this.
Lois: I know it's horrible.
Hal: You really don't remember, do you?
Lois: Remember what?
Hal: Honey, you've hated all our babies. You couldn't stand the sight of any of them for at least two months.
Hal: Well, Reese, six months, but he was a nipple-biter, so I didn't blame you. You told me to leave Francis at the county fair so he could be raised by cows.
Lois: Oh, my God.
Hal: It's just that you're so tired and, I mean, this all seems so overwhelming, but believe me, in a few weeks you are going to love this baby as much as anyone has ever loved a baby.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Hal, what are we going to do? My maternity leave is over, I go back to work tomorrow, and we still haven't found day care for Jamie.
Hal: Well, honey, maybe you'll have to just stay out a little longer. I know money is tight, but we can always stretch our pennies a little more. [Hal waters down already clear apple juice]
Lois: This is insane. There is no juice left in there. You are watering down water.
Hal: All right, we're desperate!
Quote from Otto
Otto: I promise I will hire you back just as soon as business picks up.
Francis: I've never seen it this slow, Otto. That makes six employees laid off in one week.
Otto: It is that festival down at Roswell. All of the tourists are going to see where the UFOs landed.
Francis: Our people are losing their jobs 'cause a bunch of idiot tourists think little green men crashed a spaceship down there? That's ridiculous.
Otto: Ja. They will see nothing down there. The government put every scrap of evidence in a secret vault fifty years ago.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Uh, I expressed some breast milk.
Donna: Oh, my.
Lois: I come from a long line of milkers. Once these get started, there's no stopping them.
Quote from Dewey
Pastor Roy: And the best part is, when you play with God, it's always your turn.
Dewey: [whispers] What does the "T" on the wall stand for?
Hal: Uh, we'll talk about that later.
Quote from Hal
Pastor Roy: Hal, I have to meet a parishioner in my office. Would you mind continuing the lesson?
Hal: What, me?
Pastor Roy: Don't worry. It's just the story of Daniel and the lions. I'm sure you know it in your sleep.
Hal: Uh... Okay, then, class. [clears throat] Uh... This is a story about a man named Daniel, and, apparently, some lions, so... Um "Uh, it-it pleased Darius to set over the kingdom 120 princes, which should be over the whole kingdom, and over these three officials, uh, uh, of whom Daniel was first"
Dewey: [raises hand] When do the lions show up?
Hal: Soon, Dewey. Please, you just have to be a little patient. [loses page in the bible] Ooh! Ooh! [closes book] "Uh, uh, and Darius said to Daniel, 'Yea, verily, I smote you, and I send thee to be thrown into the den.' Where soon, Daniel was eaten by the lions."
Girl: I thought God saved him.
Hal: Oh. Well, sure. [chuckles] I was getting to that. Uh, as, as it is written... the lion dith spit him up along with a lamb. A talking lamb.
Hal: [loudly] "And verily, it came to pass, that the big lump in the middle of the boa constrictor turned out to be the missing ranger. Forasmuch as the multitudes could still hear his radio saying unto them, [imitates CB radio] 'Come in, Dave. Dave, do you read me?'
Quote from Reese
All: [sing] No need to go up to Lover's Lane And come back down All full of shame I'll smile as I sing the same refrain Abstain, abstain, abstain!
Helen: Well, we really shook the rafters, didn't we? I think Pastor Roy might call the cops on us. [Reese raises his hand] Yes, Reese?
Reese: Is there some kind of loyalty oath I can sign so I can get out of here?
Helen: Reese, no one's forcing you to stay. The only thing keeping you here is that little voice in your head that keeps saying, "Why are all these people so much happier than me?" Now, then, as you know, Mrs. Pitzer, the church secretary, suffered a paralyzing spider bite at last summer's faith retreat, but out of that tragedy has come these wonderful inspirational scenes that she paints with her mouth. Here's Elijah being taken up to Heaven in his fiery chariot; Jonah and the whale; the parting of the Red Sea... It's a joyful thing to witness the way God has blessed this woman's tongue and teeth. [sings] I don't need no evil weed
Reese: Oh, man. Wow.
All: [sing] Keep your crack and your LSD I'm snorting something That God gave me And it smells a lot like love
Quote from Reese
Reese: It all became clear to me that first day in church. And now that everything has been carefully prepared, this will be the most magnificent day of my life.
Dewey: What are you doing?
Reese: I plan to float above the clouds and experience the joy that only birds can know.
Dewey: You're going to fry yourself on a high-voltage wire.
Reese: I'm not afraid. I have faith in my vision. I love you, Dewey. This is incredible. I can see the top of Dad's car from here.
Dewey: I'll miss you at first. [practices] "No, I'm as surprised as you are." "No, I'm as surprised as you are." "No, I'm as surprised as you are."
Reese: [sings] Amazing race How sweet the taste That saved a wrench for me I once was in the lost and found Was blind, but found my keys. My face...
Quote from Lois
Reese: [baby crying] Oh, not again.
Malcolm: [to camera] This baby is gonna kill us.
Lois: [o.s.] Oh, Jamie, for the love of! It's all over the walls.
Hal: [enters] Boys, it's a level three! Backyard, now!
Lois: Oh, my God! How does this kid keep getting out of its diaper?
Hal: Damned if I know. I put that one on with duct tape. Reese, get a mask and bucket and clean up that wall. Malcolm, find the old diaper and bury it at least three feet deep. Dewey, stand by with the garden hose. Oh, we don't have any diapers! How did we go through a bonus pack in one day?
Lois: Ugh! Jamie just went all over the towel! Dewey, here, give me your pajama top.
Dewey: Not again! This is my last pair! [takes Dewey's top] Let's get you to the shower. God- Oh, no, no, no, wait, wait. Ugh, it's in my hair!