Hal: Oh, my tooth!
Trey: Please, let the dentist take a look.
Hal: It's this one.
Trey: Uh-oh, #31 is cracked.
Hal: Is that important?
Trey: Only for eating and talking. It's one of the glory boys. You better get that fixed.
Hal: Great. My company doesn't have a dental plan anymore. They got us a foosball table instead.
Brian: So where you been going?
Hal: The dental college. It's not too bad, but they do make you sign a death waiver.
Trey: Forget about that. Come by my office on Monday, and I'll take care of it.
Hal: Really?
Trey: Absolutely.
Hal: Wow, it's been so many years since I've been to a real dentist. Do you supply the ether rag, or should I bring my own?

Trey: Enjoying Lord of the Rings in high-def?
Hal: Oh, it's unbelievable. No lines, no commercials... I'm bringing Lois here for our anniversary. I still can't get over all this. A real sink to spit in. I really don't have to swallow it.
Trey: Hal, are you crying?
Hal: They're good tears. How much longer will it take?
Trey: I'm done.
Hal: You can't be. I didn't bite down on the pain stick.
Trey: No, it's done; I finally got the temporary crown on. I got to tell you, Hal, it was in pretty bad shape, but I think you're going to be happy with the results.
Hal: Wow, you really are a friend.

Hal: Two thousand dollars?! Excuse me, but this can't be right. Trey said he would take care of it.
Receptionist: The doctor handed me the bill himself.
Hal: You don't understand. I'm a friend of Trey's.
Receptionist: And he gave you the friend discount: ten percent.
Hal: You mean he was going to charge me more?!
Man: Can I have the key to the bathroom?
Hal: Careful, it'll cost you $200 in a bathroom fee! You know what? [rips up bill] You can tell Trey that this is what I think of his bill.
Receptionist: That was your parking validation.
Hal: I know. Could I have another one?

Hal: [answers phone] Hello!
Lois: [face squished up against the car window] Oh, hi, Hal, how's it going?
Hal: Oh, uh, everything is everything's great, honey.
Lois: Oh, good. Listen, I was thinking this might be the perfect time for you to get to your "To Do" board.
Hal: Well, um, you know, I am not sure that I'm going to be able to...
Lois: Hal, I'm making this sacrifice for the whole family. I think the least you can do is catch up on some housework.
Hal: Okay, okay, I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] Oh, geez.
[Hal goes over, writes "Do to-do list" on a Post-It note and sticks it up on the crowded board]

Hal: [opens TV dinner] Salisbury steak, my old friend. [picks up Playboy magazine] Ha-cha. Hello, ladies.

Dewey: Dad? Dad, you alive?
Hal: [screams] The minute I get out of here, you boys are in so much... [drinks Scotch]... trouble!

Reese: No, we can't let Dad out until we do everything on the list. If Dad's going to act like- [all scream]
Hal: I can explain.
Dewey: Wait a minute. You've been sneaking out the whole time?
Reese: Is that party mix?
Hal: You're damn right it's party mix. This is the only thing that has kept me sane while I was trapped in that hellhole.
Dewey: Then why are you going back?
Hal: I am not on trial here.
Reese: I can't believe he wasn't really trapped. Come on, Dewey, let's go mess up the house.

Hal: Now, just be cool, Malcolm. As far as anyone knows, we're just a normal father and son who love each other. Stay calm. There's a woman with a stroller. Wave with me so it looks natural. Good, she's buying it. Arms down. No one suspects a thing. Steer clear of those ducks. We'll deal with them later.

Malcolm: I hope this kid shows up soon. I was planning on visiting Stevie today.
Hal: Well, you just saw him yesterday, didn't you?
Malcolm: Not exactly.
Hal: But you did see him over the weekend, right?
Malcolm: No.
Hal: Wait. How many times have you seen Stevie?
Malcolm: If you add them all up... none.
Hal: None? Malcolm, I can't believe what I'm hearing. Your best friend is in the hospital, and you're here helping me stalk a ten-year-old.
Malcolm: I'm trying, but visiting someone in the hospital isn't as easy as you might think.
Hal: Malcolm, don't you see what you're doing? You're just avoiding an unpleasant situation.
Malcolm: I know. It's just that Stevie and I have never really talked seriously about his illnesses. We've kind of had this unspoken agreement that he was just a regular kid. If I had to see him lying in his hospital bed, hooked up to God knows what, it's kind of hard to pretend like nothing's wrong. I just don't know what to say.
Hal: Son, don't think about it. Sometimes all you have to say is hello.
Malcolm: That's a great way to put it. So simple.
Hal: I got it off that bus bench over there. It's an ad for a long-distance company. You get yourself down to that hospital and show Stevie that you give a damn.

Lois: What are you doing?
Hal: Trying to instill in Dewey the values sadly neglected by Mr. Milton Bradley in those cowardly Parker Brothers. I mean, how does kids are supposed to learn about how life really works? Not from that G-rated fairy tale. You can't just play a "Joy In The Circus" card and walk away scot-free.
Lois: "Found A Tumor?"
Hal: That takes you to the Chemo Spinner.