Hal: I'll tell you, Jack, they made women in those days. There's nothing wrong with a little meat on the bones. Now that is a fanny. [chuckles] Ah, Jack, you died too young. We beat 'em. Now they're wearing blue jeans and eating cheeseburgers in Red Square. Oh, and we made it to the moon. Big waste of money. I'll tell you what I miss the most, Jack. All these years, we have never had a president as cool as you. Here's to you, buddy. [drinks martini] You're right to look at me like that. You just can't drink a martini without an olive. Oh, would you look at that. We have a back door. I'll be right back, Jack.

Hal: Well, hello. Mr. President. Well, looks like we're in this Cold War together. So, Jack, what are you drinking?

Hal: I swear this mall gets more beautiful every time we come. They have really made some changes. There used to be a Banana Republic over there. Now it's over there.

Dewey: Oh, my God, do you know what this means?
Reese: Yes! Rabbits have been using our technology!
Dewey: No, it's a bomb shelter. People built these in the '50s and '60 in case of a nuclear war.

Dewey: You're insane.
Reese: I'm just saying, how much food could there be down there? Eventually, this will take care of itself.
Dewey: Reese!
Reese: He's had a long life. What is he, like, 70?
Dewey: Forget it.
Reese: Ah, you're right. I forgot about Mom. She's bound to notice eventually, no matter how busy she is. And once she latches onto something, you know how she never lets it go.

Malcolm: Can we please just get my underwear and get out of here?
Lois: Malcolm, you know it's hard to buy underwear for you. You have your father's irregular crotch.
Hal: Nothing to be ashamed of, son. If a woman really loves you, it won't bother her a bit.

Hal: [answers phone] Hello!
Lois: [face squished up against the car window] Oh, hi, Hal, how's it going?
Hal: Oh, uh, everything is everything's great, honey.
Lois: Oh, good. Listen, I was thinking this might be the perfect time for you to get to your "To Do" board.
Hal: Well, um, you know, I am not sure that I'm going to be able to...
Lois: Hal, I'm making this sacrifice for the whole family. I think the least you can do is catch up on some housework.
Hal: Okay, okay, I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] Oh, geez.
[Hal goes over, writes "Do to-do list" on a Post-It note and sticks it up on the crowded board]

Malcolm: [to camera] Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get you beat up.

Dewey: Can't we just throw the thing in the trash?
Reese: That is the worst possible place. Dad accidentally throws his car keys out three times a week, and he always ends up going through the barrels.

Dewey: Dad, if you can hear me, knock once on the hatch. [clanking noise] Okay, it's pretty obvious we've all made some mistakes here.
Reese: There's no point in trying to figure out who's right and who's wrong. The important thing is you forgive us so we can forgive you so we can let you out. Now if we're all on the same page, knock once on the lid. [clanking noise] He agreed. We're both witnesses. [Dewey and Reese move the trash scans]
Dewey: You know, Dad, I really think-
[Hal screams and rambles as he tries to grab Dewey]
Dewey: It's a trick!
Hal: [muttering] Vengeance!
Reese: Back, Dad! Back, Dad! Back! Back! [Hal screams as he is forced back down the ladder] I don't know if I can trust Dad after this.